Saturday, November 17, 2012

Mending a marriage after an affair.

This is every man and woman's nightmare, we like to think it won't happen to us, and hopefully if won't. One of the most devastating, destructive events that can happen to a marriage is the heartbreak left in the wake of an affair. Now that it's over - really over - you want to try to pick up the pieces. It could be a full blown affair or emotional infidelity, there might even be a love child involved but the question is what do you do now?

The rate of Infidelity is high everywhere not just in Nigeria because society does not frowned on a man cheating on his wife. Both Nigerian men and women make excuses for husbands who cheat on their wives. Polygamy is also acceptable in Nigeria. Women are not innocent either. It is a clear case of hate the game and not the player. I think that if people cannot be faithful to their spouses, they are not ready to get married.

I get so upset when I hear people tell women to be sexier and more appealing just to prevent their spouse from cheating. Yes, by all means look lovely for your spouse always because your desire is to please him, but if a bad hair day is going to make him cheat, he has some growing up to do. It's the same for women who cheat and get caught, some give the excuse that its due to unhappiness or loneliness. Infidelity does not lead to lasting happiness or lifelong companionship aunty!

I would suggest getting someone you both respect to counsel you. In marriages, people should be careful of third parties but sometimes that's what you need. A neutral person who is married and unbiased can offer genuine advice. One might consider the marital counselling unit in church for this purpose since they speak to couples regularly and are bound to respect your confidentiality. Using relatives are not always the best option because you wouldn't want the other party to lose face in front of relatives.

It will take a long time for the trust to be restored, so be prepared to be accused even if you are no longer cheating. Be prepared to be very open about everything you do so that there is no cause for the person who was cheated on to feel as if you are at it against try and heal the relationship if you know that you wont be cheating again. Don't apologise today and be caught again tomorrow because that will only torture your partner further.

The guilty party has to genuinely apologise and continue to apologise time over time. Be prepared to talk over it over and over again too if that is what your spouse wants. But this must be done in view of working to rebuild/regain the trust of your partner not just to punish him or her. This is going to be the hardest part and can never be achieved over night.

For the cheated party, pray and try hard to forgive, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of GOD;” - Rom 3:23.

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."- Mat 18:21-22

The best attitude to have is to tell yourself I will forgive my spouse for anything and everything, its easier said than done, I know. The reality is that some marriages pull through it & some don't. 

About the Author

I am Ijeoma Olujekun, I'm a child of God, a wife and a mother. I come from a really big familly and that has given me the opportunity to observe the diversity and adversity of several relationships . After I actively surrendered to The Lord, the word of God taught me so much and I'm still learning. The articles I write give me a chance to share some of those things with you. Together, let us learn how to build and maintain dynamic covenant relationships

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