Thursday, April 25, 2013

Why Do Most Husbands Not Compliment Their Wives After Marriage?

One wife recently asked "Why doesn't my husband complement me? it honestly makes me feel unappreciated. I don't ask for much out of our marriage but whenever I dress up I never get a compliment unless I say something like, "do you like my dress?" I ask why he doesn't compliment me and he says he sees no reason. But it has drawn me away from him and "I no longer feel the spark in our marriage." 

At any given time we women are working hard to look good, keep the house clean and tidy, prepare delicious meals, etc. However, it appears that after marriage there is a significant decrease in the number of compliments. These gestures should not be seasonal, especially in marriage! Depriving a woman of hearing these things from you (which by the way are free) might just be creating a crack in your marriage. 

Every woman likes a compliment. Men get an ego boost through work success or sports; women will get that from their partner. It's not being vain or shallow; it's being appreciated and not taking what you have for granted. (That's women for you). 

Just for the record, these are scenarios that might be playing out in a husband's head: 
  1. What you think of 'dressed up' is not what he thinks of as 'dressed up'. Each man likes something a little different. To get a compliment, you will need to look good to that individual man, not the world at large. While a woman might be dressed up officially, if the guy does not like it, he won't say anything. For example, if a guy does not like high heels, then when you wear high heels he won't say anything good. 
  2. The self defecation. Women are masters at this. No matter what a guy says, she will say she is fat or ugly or some other negative thing. A guy can say a dozen times that he likes her legs and she will still come back with 'my legs are ugly'. She thinks she's being modest but she really just wants him to convince her further. At the worst end is where the woman will 'attack' the man for daring to give her a compliment. And it's worse for a husband who has to listen to the wife 24/7 complain about her looks and her body and such. The constant complaints take a toll on him, who figures why bother complimenting her as she won't like it or even believe me anyway. 
  3. No Reward. So hubby gives a complement, and you don't immediately attack him and call him a liar and say your ugly...so then what does he get in return? Can he expect his wife to be happy or even content? Many wives quickly set up a no win situation for themselves. By ignoring the compliments, they make the guy feel, again, like it's pointless to give them. This is even more so when the wife forbids sex and simply nags. So what does the guy gain? She won't be happy, for even a second, will still yell and nag, will still refuse to have sex and will still complain as he does not help out around the house. So the guy does not bother to say anything, as nothing changes anyway. 
That said, I guess men forget a lot, we just have to remind them. Just tell him he's slacking. If your'e lucky he will sit up, if not, he might argue the case with you and feel he's right in doing what you are angry about and has no reason to change. When I got married, I complimented my husband all the time and slowly he came to imbibe the habit of complimenting me back. Nowadays He compliments me all the time, so communication is important in any relationship. You should not allow the spark to go out of your marriage because of this. 

There are so many other really important issues in a marriage. If this is your worst problem, maybe you should count yourself as one of the lucky ones. Sit down and talk to him. Let him know you are hurt. 

But in the meantime adopt the 'Agama method'. The Agama lizard leaps boldly from the high iroko tree to the ground, flying like a bird, it lands on all four feet! Unscathed!...Looks from left to right, right to left and observes no appreciation, no applause... So it nods to itself in self congratulation. "Agama bobo, you dey try..." 

Ladies, I'm serious... If hubby is not noticing how well those hot nude pumps go on that well tailored 3quarter pencil skirt and how your freshly permed hair blends in perfectly with the 20" Remy you spent a fortune on, and how the cleanser your friend recommended has faded out all the spots and blemishes and has left you with a truly "L'oreal" complexion...by all means...look yourself in the mirror, give yourself a nod. 

In some, albeit very few marriages, the spark never dies. The man and woman manage to keep it alive for the duration of their lives together. And that is my prayer for all of us. 

Ijeoma Olujekun

4 comments:

  1. I've been married for almost 10years and my Husband does not compliment me. I have to constantly ask if he thinks I'm pretty. He says yes of course Babe I love you. I'm getting tired of asking him. I'm very confident in myself but it's getting on my nerves to have to ask him for a compliment. I don't know what to do. It sucks.

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  2. Because most men are lazy douche bags and only think of themselves.

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  3. I get complimets all the time from tons of guys....i am very confident and i think very well of myself but my husband rarely compliments me or if i gain couple pounds he tells me have to work harder in the gym and so on. It makes me really mad and upsets me.

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