Sometimes ladies who wind up in abusive relationships say they never knew and he just suddenly changed and they think he will revert back to the man they once knew and loved. That doesn't usually happen because there is a particular pattern with abusive people the funny thing is that you might even find it endearing because we all love attention. If you are afraid that you or someone you love may be getting into an abusive situation, here are some signs to look for:
- Excessive and quick commitment to relationships: After just one week of talking and getting to know you he has declared his undying love and is talking marriage? C’mon son! Doesn't he know that we all put our best foots first when it comes to relationships? Perhaps he doesn't care because he knows he will whip you into shape when the time comes anyway. Usually you might notice a kind of dual personality.
- Excessive monitoring: A man who checks your calls and makes sure the logs are complete to know that none of the calls were deleted then downloads a software to record your conversations and knows where you have been by checking your location using Google latitude is definitely a potential abuser.
- Isolation: He has a problem with all your friends. He wants you to dump them and your family she stay at arms length too? Yes, So that no one can hear you scream… just like a horror movie. They are insecure but presents a false sense of superiority
- Extremely possessive and jealous, confused with love: He is suspicious if you go anywhere without him and does not expect you to have any male friends at all even a call from an old highschool friend could get him really upset with you and accusing you of infidelity.
- Control of all money: He wants all control of your money. Often an abuser will ask you to agree to quit the job you love if you want the marriage to go ahead. He wants your total dependence on him and him alone.
- Name-calling and insults: When quarrels arise which is normal, they resort to getting really personal and demeaning jabs that are so bad they affect even your self esteem. This is usually evidence of poor communication skills.
- Threats against you, of suicide for failure to comply (emotional extortion): If you say you want to end the relationship and hes threatens to hunt you down and hurt you or hurt himself then he is certainly an abuser. This type of emotional extortion is characteristic of someone who has little he values over the control of another human being which he will do anything to maintain.
- Exhibits cruelty to animals or children: The bible says A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal, But even the compassion of the wicked is cruel proverbs 12: 10. They usually display this total lack of empathy towards others.
- Takes away choices such as food, fashion, social life: His has an extreme extreme sense of entitlement when it comes to your choices. He met you in the fitted shirt and chinos pants that look really good on you, now he wants you to wear only loose fitting gowns that stop at your ankles and your are not allowed to go to the art exhibitions that you love so much anymore and why should you like sweet snacks when he likes only savoury? On the one hand he wants to decrease the chances of other men admiring you, but on the other hand he enjoys the visual manifestation of his control over you. It usually all boils down to insecurity.
- Chauvinism: When you start hearing “Women are so irrational and emotional!” Women can't think for themselves”, “Women should only speak when spoken to” But usually with even more “colorful” language this should be considered a red flag.
- Blames the victim (“They made me do it”): An adult should never blame another person for their actions. If everything is blamed on provocation them he needs some lessons in self control. The victim mentality is a tool he will use similar to reverse psychology so that you become the one apologising.
Ladies, steer clear of abusive relationships.
Ijeoma Olujekun
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