Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Do you want revenge or you want to stay married?

Credit: Kenyan Post
I heard a story about a woman who caught her husband with another woman. The lady, a doctor, came back from a hospital call one night and saw her husband sleeping with another woman on her matrimonial bed. She was so shocked; she dropped her bag, stepped back and closed the bedroom door without a word.

She went back to the hospital and went into a rage. Thereafter, she called an elderly aunt and told her what she had seen. The elderly aunt asked her the question, Do you want revenge or you want to stay married? The lady was taken aback by the question. The aunt went further, If you want revenge, I will tell you what to do but I guarantee you that this is not the right solution. However, if you want to stay married, I will tell you what to do. Go back home and behave as if nothing happened. But how can I pretend nothing happened? she cried out. I can never forgive him. The wise aunt replied, if you really want to stay married, just do as I say.

So the doctor went back home and pretended as if she didn't see anything. She continued his life as if everything was normal. However, this was not the case with the husband. He knew she had seen him but was puzzled that she didn't say anything. Two days after, he couldn't take it anymore. He went and confessed to his family and the wife's family that he had committed adultery and they should beg his wife for forgiveness.

Now as a christian, what would you do if you caught your spouse redhanded committing adultery? I must admit, it is a tough question for a lot of people. This is a question I ask most of the people who come for premarital counselling. Some of them are surprised that I should ask such a question. Some believe it can never happen. But I still ask, what if it happens, what will you do? Some tell me that that will be the end of the marriage and that they will never forgive the other spouse. They never consider that they actually may have had a hand in the other person going astray.

As for me, I tell them. If it happens to me, I will ask Where have I missed it? Why did I not see it coming? Spiritually or even physically. But I will still have to forgive.

Now I know the Bible gives the innocent party a chance to ask for a divorce based on Matthew 19: 1-12, but reading the passage carefully, Jesus says "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning"

Now if you catch your spouse redhanded or he confesses to you that he has been unfaithful, I would suggest the following steps:

For the innocent party,
  • Talk with the unfaithful spouse. Try and find out the reason for this. You may hear stories like "you are not always around" or "you are not romantic"or you use sex to manipulate me. If you are partly to blame, commit to working on the issues
  • Pray for grace to forgive the erring partner
  • DO NOT withhold forgiveness from the erring partner
  • Work to increase the communication between the two of you
  • Add your marriage to your daily prayer list and diligently pray for your marriage
For the guilty party,
  • Talk with your partner and ask for forgiveness.
  • Repent and Ask God for forgiveness 
  • Find out what caused you to sin and guard your heart against it occurring again
  • Work to increase the communication between the two of you
  • Add your marriage to your daily prayer list and diligently pray for your marriage
For those who have gone through this, I guess you may say I do not understand the hurt, the pain, the betrayal. All I can say is that it may not be easy but it is doable. Imagine Jesus Christ dying on the cross and those he helped shouting Crucify Him, crucify Him. He would have allowed the the wrath of God to be visited on them but He said, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

As hard as it might seem, that should be our standard. Also ponder and think about What Would Jesus Do?

5 comments:

  1. Good day, please can I get you email I need counseling before marriage.
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. im sorry but in my opinion, infidelity should never be blamed on the victim (innocent party in ur words)...thats just a convenient excuse.yes, there may be a few faults here and there from both sides.they are things that could have bn worked on.pls never give d guilt to the victim.the faulter should take all the blame for his weakness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous, I have dealt with many cases which show that both parties are at fault. Yes. Infidelity should not be blamed on the victim but in some cases the innocent party aided it. For example, there was a case that a woman did not allow her husband to have sex with him after marriage for about 3 months. Do you know that in the law court, the man could have annulled the marriage. He did not because he was strong in the faith. Not many men are strong like this man. Now if this same person now had an affair, would you say he was entirely to blame?

      What I am saying here is that both parties have faults that need to be addressed. If they are both aware of their responsibilities and build their marriage on the solid rock, infidelity will not happen.

      Delete
  3. i was honestly interested in applying for post marital counselling with you but after this post,...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous, I guess you are the one that wrote the last piece. I believe every issue is different and should be looked at objectively. The Lord will guide you on how to address issues in your marriage. Issues of infidelity have deep roots and dealing with them on the surface will never solve them. God bless.

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