Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Infidelity has to be one of the most common betrayals between and among  couples. The emotional struggle and the heartbreak that comes with it has been defined by some people as one of the most painful experiences ever. No one goes to bed expecting his wife or her husband would be so carried away as to desire another over him or her. Much as no one plans for it to happen, it is undeniable that it does happen and one becomes left with the question ‘what next from here?’
Is it possible that one rises above such situation and love one’s spouse again?

If I took a roll call of how many married people said they would divorce their partners should there be any case of infidelity in their marriages, I would probably have a massive show of hands. I am one of those that would have had my two hands up championing the cause for zero tolerance on infidelity but time and people have taught me differently.

Much as it is a major setback in most relationships, it need not be the end, matter of fact it could be a new beginning. We are not created to be naturally tolerant of irresponsible behavior but time has shown we all are not perfect and what really matters is for the couples involved to agree to work through the situation. The ability to move past infidelity is largely dependent on the erring spouse and the readiness to make the right amends on both sides.  

I spoke to an aunt of mine who went through this kind of situation some time in her marriage and she shared with me what they did to get through those dark times. By now, you should know the answer to the question the topic posed is a big YES.
When we are hurt,  we feel better when whoever caused the hurt acknowledges his/her wrong and is deeply remorseful. This makes it easier to forgive.

That said,in taking the steps to work through it, you need not be in denial as to what happened. You need to confront the situation and you both need to say how you both feel. More than anything else, the question the hurt spouse wants answers to is ‘why?’ Infidelity cannot be justified in any way but lovers need to get to the crux of it in order to make the right amends. If it is a matter of discontentment in the area of emotions or sexual needs, all the cards need to be placed on the table. This is not to apportion blames, it is just to recognize the root of the problem. Generally though, a cheating spouse doesn’t necessarily have to be a dissatisfied lover.

(Not taking into consideration a partner that might have a problem of cheating serially)It is very important that the erring partner is remorseful and shows the readiness to change. The affair has to be brought to an end and all hands need to be on deck to rebuild the dented trust. Acknowledging one’s wrong is a compulsory step towards recovering and getting forgiveness.

The hurt partner needs to be ready to forgive. Now, this is easier said than done. My aunty told me it took her a while to finally get over the hurt but she was finally able to get there. Note that you are not being told to forget all together, bear in mind that you need to take the baby steps from forgiving to being able to get to that place of forgetting and total forgiveness. If you keep the hurt in your mind for too long, it would probably ruin the entire relationship and frustrate the effort of trying to rebuild what was broken.

The good thing is the openness that comes with situations such as this help couples in understanding the importance of what they share. This could help reignite lost sparks.

Bear in mind that God frowns at divorce, so also does he frown at adultery. For goodness’ sake, they both should be avoided.  Divorce comes with so much complications. There are kids, career, properties and many other things to think about. As deep as infidelity is, I truthfully think it needs not be the end of a marriage long as the erring partner ends the affair, apologizes and shows the readiness to change.

May God grant us all wisdom to manage our homes.

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