Wednesday, May 18, 2016

When Should You Walk Away From Your Relationship?


N:B: This post is directed at couples who are yet to tie the knot. Leaving a marriage is not as easy

I have been getting this question a lot from people who have been in relationships for a considerable amount of time, and are unsure if the relationship has run its course, or if it has simply hit a bump in the road. 

Surely, all relationships go through bad times so it is immature for anyone to pack up and take a hike when things get uncomfortable. However, there are times when you should walk away and this post is directed at highlighting five scenarios when you should walk away and keep walking. 

#1 You are being pressured: Sometimes, many relationships don't suffer pressure from external or societal influences. Very often, people suffer pressure from their partners - pressure to feel a certain way, look a certain way, react in certain ways, and simply just become what your partner wants even though you go through the process unwillingly. If you are being pressured to be in the relationship or being dictated how you should feel to you, or even being taken on  a guilt trip for not being 100% the person your spouse wants you to be, you might want to consider walking away.


#2 You are carrying the relationship burden alone: Many relationships these days are one-sided. While one party thrives on the solid effort of the other, the other person is left to assume, guess, and simply imagine a relationship that's not really there. These relationships are often sustained on one party giving endless excuses for not putting any effort in the relationship while the other party is expected to naively accept the excuses without any question. 

#3 You are being emotionally battered: Emotional scars run deep, and may people tend to be more willing to accept emotional abuse than they are willing to accept physical abuse. While you can physically defend yourself against a physically abusive person, the only way to win emotional abuse is to leave. No matter how self-assured you are, an emotionally abusive person will cause you to start doubting yourself with time. Phrases like "I made you who you are", "No other person will ever want you", etc. are phrases you should walk away from. No matter how much you have invested in the relationship, it is not worth your self-worth. 

#4 You are being physically abused: There is nothing about physical abuse that suggests love is in the equation. There is nothing about being slapped, kicked, or 'disciplined' that suggests you are being loved. You are with an obsessive person who is taking out his or her demons on you. There is no alternative to physical abuse. Even if your partner is getting help, still leave. Until you are 110% sure that the rendered help has been effective, don't go back!

#5 Your partner has unfair expectations of you and just won't back down: Are you expected to clean up your partner's mess everytime, bail him or her out of trouble you had no idea was happening, pay for debts you did not help spend? Those are unfair expectations. As a matter of fact, anything that requires you to do something that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable is an unfair request, and if your partner does not understand how such requests make you feel, then selfishness might be at play and you will need to redefine the relationship. 

3 comments:

  1. Hello, been richly blessed by these articles. I do have a question, how about if the emotional abuse is mutual, like you abuse your spouse when they do not make effort at improving the relationship and he in turn becomes more hardened and wants a divorce after a year of marriage, a part of you feels like it's best to let go while another thinks you should fight however how do you even deal with a partner who isn't even ready to treat you well emotionally despite being heavily pregnant? Also please how do I contact you. Thank you

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    1. Hi anonymous. In a situation where both parties are at the verge of giving up, I'll advise that you try counselling sessions first of all. Many marriages fail because both parties keep holding on to the hurts that have accumulated over time, and it is necessary to have an avenue where both of you can let out steam. Please seek the counsel of a relationship pastor/counsellor, and try to be open-minded about the process. Wish you the best!

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  2. Hi Anonymous, I am a Marriage Counsellor. Send an email to ebufra@gmail.com. However, if you feel you need to talk to my wife, who is also a marriage counsellor, send her an email on oluremiebuehi@gmail.com. God bless.

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