Monday, June 20, 2016

Mums' Influences on our Lives.

The popular saying that "some mothers do have them" is a realistic phrase in issues of life. A mother's love cannot be quantified or replaced with another but when this love is the only air you breathe such that you start to suffocate and other sources of air (love) are being refrained, then you need help. A mother's love starts when the baby is conceived till he/she is born and grows through the different stages of life. 

Our mothers are there to take decisions for us or guide us in decision making while growing up, but the guidance should change to advice when we become adults so that we can take decisions solely and learn from our mistakes, however mothers want to remain the decision maker in our lives even as adults. This is common among Africans because we live with our parents till we get married unlike in Western countries where you have to stay on your own from age 18 and take decisions about your life.

I appreciate my mum's love in my life for guiding me through school and even influencing the course I read in school. She also played a major role in choosing my life partner and planning my wedding (she had 90% say while I had 10% say in the planning) which I appreciate and didn't complain. Now 

I am a married woman with the title "Mrs" but my mum still want to take decisions for me in my marriage. She want to know what I prepare for my husband, she want to know the amount my husband gives me as allowance, she want to know if my husband changes my wardrobe monthly....she want to know things yet to happen in my marriage...........Mum, I listened to you growing up but now I want to take my own decisions and discover myself so I can learn and move on in life not get stuck waiting on you to live my life for me.

Our mothers love for us can become a negative influence on our marriages which can mar the relationships between us and our spouses. A guy's marriage was destroyed because he allowed his mum's love (love of being the only son) influence his marriage, she didn't allow his wife to cook for him because she did all the cooking giving excuses that her son prefers his meals to be prepared in a particular way which she has been doing since he was a child....the frustrated wife requested that the husband address the issue and other issues (the mum buys the foodstuffs because she knows a cheaper market, the husband's siblings visit them at will and end up staying for days, the wife can't have a peaceful conversation with the husband without interruption from her mother-in-law etc) or they take a break from the one-man marriage; which they did.

In one of my focus group with a couple of friends, the oldest guy amongst us narrated the issues he faced as a result of his mum's influence in his life. 

"At the death of his father when he was just few years old, he grew up knowing his mother to be his everything. Being his everything means he saw a father in his mother, a mother in his mother, a sister in his mother, a brother, an aunt and a friend. His mum didn't allow him take any decision without her consent even up till graduation and when he started working. His colleagues at the office often tease him and refer to him as momma's boy because he requires his mum's consent on everything, even to attend social functions outside office hours e.g. colleague's birthday party e.t.c. He lived a cyclic life i.e. from home to the office, office to home, and to church. No friend visits him esp. females because he has to get his mum's approval first; he was embarrassed on a particular day when his mum accused his colleague (female) of coming to their house to ask her son out in her presence because she was intimidated by the presence of another woman in her son's life. All these made it difficult for him to have a good relationship with the opposite sex and marriage was far from him. The mum later realised that her love for her son has created a barrier between him and his environment after family members questioned the non-expiration of his bachelorhood. He initially confronted the family members that his mum was all he had when no one was there for him but after several attempt from friends and colleagues, prayer groups etc. He realized that he had to settle down even against his mum’s wish. He is now married with kids and he is enjoying the freedom of taking decisions about his life without influence from his mum (who is not in the same city with him)".

We all need our mothers’ love in our lives which won't blind us from the outside world and prevent us from living our lives to the fullest (freedom from their influences).

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