Monday, December 10, 2012

Common Problems in Marriage

When I was about thirteen, I asked my dad what are the most common problems people have in marriage? What do they worry about, what causes marriages to break up, what do women complain about in their husbands, what do husbands complain about in their wives, what's the best way to avoid divorce? After-all he had known so many couples and he himself over the course of his life, had married 3 wives. So naturally I thought he would be in a better position to answer. I couldn't understand why two people who once loved each other deeply could end up in enmity.

Some of the answers I got were money (how it is spent); women complain about lack of time spent together, men complain about needing more time to themselves. Both of them complain about - sex too much or too little, how to raise the children, the lack of meaningful conversations, not listening to or respecting the other, selfishness. Wives complain about lack of help with children and the home. 

Even at that tender age it was obvious to me that all of these so called "problems" or "issues" would be easy to deal with and overcome if couples could really communicate with each other (meaning really listen to each other). Usually, they are so closed on their views, wants, needs, etc and just can't see it because they don't listen. It was really sad.

Whether we admit to it or not, we want our spouses to gain access to our hearts, discover our desires, needs and secrets. There are several factors that go into why a man chooses a particular woman to be his wife. The reason he chose you and not some other woman is a question wives must answer in their hearts over and over again. This is the reason the marriage came to be in the first place and the key to making him want to marry you all over again. That is why it is important for a man to choose his wife for the right reasons. This way a woman only needs to be authentic and true to herself in order to improve on the marriage.

It is usually the wives - not the husbands - who take an active role in improving their marriage. When married couples seek help from a third party it will often be the wife's idea. It appears that husbands generally don't do things unless they absolutely have to but the truth is that their nature predisposes them to dealing with things internally and putting up a strong front. They'll often deny that there's anything wrong with their marriage in the first place.

Many people have been brought up to believe a couple should not involve a third party in times of difficulty while there is some truth in this it is minimal because from ample observation I've found it is false. Yes, because even the third party needs a third party. Iron sharpeneth iron; we are designed to help each other grow and simply spending time with a happy couple makes you want to emulate that happiness in your own marriage. That is the reason Christian couples should build strong friendships with other Christian couples.

However, there is one thing that all marriages need. "Amos Chapter 3v3. Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" 

Here’s an analogy that may help explain. The decision to get a degree carries along with it not only a desire, but an expectation that you will accomplish your goal. You've defined your future. You’re aware it will take several years and some studying. You’re aware it will take effort on your part to produce papers and pass tests. You might even have to put up with some annoying lecturers and some tough courses along the way. But you’re also aware that you are going to have to invest yourself fully in the process in order to ultimately be successful and walk away with a degree. It takes commitment.Without commitment, there is no degree. 

Commitment in marriage is no different. Commitment is the dedicated choice to give up other competing choices. Commitment is the part of the relationship that provides safety and security, so couples can express their thoughts, feelings, and desires openly. Commitment keeps couples together and is a cornerstone of marriage. We wouldn't think of leaving our children as a solution to our problems with them. I think the best part is that commitment is a choice, and therefore can be redeemed at any time in a marriage.

Ijeoma Olujekun

1 comment:

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