Did Your Spouse Cheat On You? Five Vital Things That Will Aid Your Recovery

Many times marriages show cracks that might have been as a result of foundational issues, and just like buildings they don’t necessarily have to collapse if proper attention and care is given to them. 

Marriages thrive on many things with trust being on the top of the list. Marriage entails that the parties involved bare everything to each other with the belief that they are a team, so when one of the parties derails from the vow, it can have dire consequences.

One major way a marriage may suffer a crack is through infidelity. The trust gets marred and it is always so hard to go back to where the relationship was. If the hurt is fuelled and the anger and distrust is not attended to, it may lead to the end of the marriage. Some people are of the opinion that infidelity is so unpardonable and should be the end while others preach forgiveness but even that is easier on paper than in action.

Thinking Infidelity?

I find many things troubling about our societal values. I can never truly understand how as a society we can measure wrongs based on gender. Many times when this lapse is pointed out, people are quick to talk about one being feministic but that really isn’t the issue.  I am not about to write this post by unveiling my viciously feministic alter ego. No! I will spare you the pains of listening to my riddled thoughts on unbalanced scales of the genders.

 

I am not even going to go into details about how four married men at work were unashamedly bragging about their extra marital affairs. I am also not going to rant about how I find the fact, that the wife of one of the men packs him condoms, befuddling.

What is wrong with women not having standards? I am sorry I digressed.

I will try very much to keep this post devoid of pained feministic opinions. It is one intended for you to reflect on simple moral values.

I read of a woman who cheated on her husband of 23years after she found out that he bragged to one of his numerous mistresses that his wife was ok with his philandering ways.  Of course, people judged her and told her just how shameless she is. One of the predominant questions most people asked is how a married woman can conceive such thought and carry such out.

Truth be told I am sick of how many times I have heard the sentence ‘a man will always be a man’. I am not an advocate of avenging a wrong by committing more wrong but I suppose sanity can be achieved by acknowledging we all are accountable for our actions irrespective of who we are. There are certain values that should never be compromised. Temptations abound but one needs to bear in mind that only guilt and betrayal outlive that short moment of selfish desire.

When next that ungodly thought creeps in your head, let the following be your guide:-

Stop and Think: - Spontaneity is good but in situations preceding adultery, you need to STOP and THINK. Ask yourself if you would be able to live with the consequences that follow. I have seen families that have been destroyed because of short misplaced and uncontrolled passion. ‘It’s just sex” some say. It is never just sex, trust is broken, people get hurt and many other consequences follow.

Do as you would be done by: - If your spouse were in your shoes, would you forgive him/her after such act? By all means, respect your partners’ feelings. There are no scales of balance on who should be hurt more. Man/ woman, the mandate is same. Lots of work goes into building trust in a relationship, don’t mock all that hard work by acting selfishly. Think of the aftermath.

What company are you keeping: - The Yoruba have a proverb that says “a sheep that walks with a dog will eat faecal matter”. Bottom-line is that you cannot be in the company of adulterers always and be acting like you have a special immunity. You need to choose your friends. In a world where sin has become the fad, dare to be the weird one.

What standards are you holding yourself to: - Have you asked yourself what Jesus would do in your situation? Being a Christian goes farther than paying tithes and attending services, it is a lifestyle. Flee from sin my dear.

Take your vows seriously. Forget what the society think is right or wrong, your vow is between you, your spouse and your God.  Man or woman, whoever you are, we all are accountable to the same God.

Q & A: Is there anything wrong in maintaining contact with my ex after marriage?

Situation:

Husband: How can I believe that there is nothing going on between you and your ex? You say he is your ex and he keep calling you; even as late as 10p.m. at night. Does he not know you are married? I have told you that you should tell him to keep off.

Wife: I don't know what you are stressing yourself about. Have I not married you? He is just a good friend. He means no harm. I don't think you should see him as a threat.

This is similar to a case handled by my wife and I at a counseling session recently.  The husband clearly had a problem with his wife fraternizing with her ex-boyfriend but the wife didn't see any harm in it. The issue was to determine whether it was right or wrong.

Answer:

Do you want revenge or you want to stay married?

Credit: Kenyan Post

I heard a story about a woman who caught her husband with another woman. The lady, a doctor, came back from a hospital call one night and saw her husband sleeping with another woman on her matrimonial bed. She was so shocked; she dropped her bag, stepped back and closed the bedroom door without a word.

She went back to the hospital and went into a rage. Thereafter, she called an elderly aunt and told her what she had seen. The elderly aunt asked her the question, Do you want revenge or you want to stay married? The lady was taken aback by the question. The aunt went further, If you want revenge, I will tell you what to do but I guarantee you that this is not the right solution. However, if you want to stay married, I will tell you what to do. Go back home and behave as if nothing happened. But how can I pretend nothing happened? she cried out. I can never forgive him. The wise aunt replied, if you really want to stay married, just do as I say.

So the doctor went back home and pretended as if she didn't see anything. She continued his life as if everything was normal. However, this was not the case with the husband. He knew she had seen him but was puzzled that she didn't say anything. Two days after, he couldn't take it anymore. He went and confessed to his family and the wife's family that he had committed adultery and they should beg his wife for forgiveness.