Do you mind if your wife is richer (or more prominent) than you?

Since the birth of civilization, the male species has been celebrated as the head of the house. As the Bible says, Adam was created first out of dust while Eve was created out of Adam’s rib. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden, God questioned Adam rather than Eve because He kept him in charge of Eden.

The Bible goes further to say that “A man who can not take care of his family is worse than an infidel”. This automatically assumes that the man is supposed to provide for his family and this includes his wife. Now what happens if the woman of the house is more prominent than the man, should there be any problem?

Should your siblings stay with you when you are married? - Part 2

Cont’d from last blog. – Read last blog

I will like to share some of the realities that you will face now that you are married and a sibling wants to stay with you.

1.       When you get married to your spouse, you need to embrace your spouse’s family. However family will be defined by the spouse. However, both of you need to know that not every family member need be embraced. Relationships need to be defined and mutually considered and agreed within reasonable boundaries

2.       If the man’s siblings have to stay in the house, the man has to explain to his siblings that all must know that the woman (wife) is the head of the home. The siblings do not have a right to go into the kitchen to cook any other dish apart from the stated family menu without the consent of the woman.

3.       The man’s siblings need to respect the woman of the house even if she is younger than the siblings. It is her home.

4.       The woman must realize that with the power comes responsibility. She should not use this power to manipulate or oppress the man’s siblings. Do not give the siblings the remains after the main dish has been served. They should eat what has been prepared for the family.

5.       The siblings MUST partake in taking care of the household chores without being told. The sibling should also not see the stay as living in a hotel. They should offer to cook, iron clothes, wash the car and actually do these chores if allowed. Now be prepared that the wife may not want you (the sibling) to increase your relevance in the house so that she has to depend on you. But persist. Make yourself relevant so that she does not feel that you are a “layabout”.

6.       Siblings must realize that the rules applicable in the house apply to them too. E.g. curfew; e.t.c

7.       The couple should discuss the increase in household expenses due to the extra person staying in the house. The Head of the house should realise that there would be increase in cost and therefore provide for this increase. i.e. Cornflakes, sugar, chocolate e.t.c

8.       Lastly, as much as possible, all parties must try and make the stay as brief as possible but within considerable limits. It helps all parties involved.

I will end with the same closing remarks that we must be prepared for any eventuality and we must realize that anything can happen but let God take control. 

Should your siblings stay with you when you are married?

It’s a new year; a new dawn. This is my first blog this year (not counting my new year blog). Today, I will like to discuss the issue of siblings staying with a newly wed couple. What do you think? Is it permissible or an absolute “No”? Comments are welcome.

When I joined the marriage train in 1998, I agreed with my wife that for the first few years, no sibling would reside with us. We wanted the time to get to know each other. We wanted to go around the house – naked and not ashamed; just like Adam and Eve in the garden before they fell. We wanted the experience the joy of the adventure; two lovebirds marooned on an island; just the two of us. We felt we would resist any advance from any sibling nursing the idea that he or she would come live with us; free from the prying eyes of Daddy and Mummy.

Well, we got our wish - at least for some months. Let me paint a clearer picture of the whole situation. My wife and I are the eldest children of our families. We each had 4 siblings each. When we got married, my parents-in-law were alive. My father was alive but my mother had died before the wedding.

My last sibling (still in the University of Benin) was living with my father in Benin while I was in Lagos with my new wife. Then 2 separate incidents happened within a few months apart. My only sister just finished youth service in one of the northern states and was thinking of coming to Lagos to get a job. My father died and my youngest sibling could not be left all alone in Benin. My father’s death now made me the “father” of the family. What could I do and what did I do? I could have stuck to my guns and rented a house for the two of them in Lagos but that would have been expensive and regarded as callous and insensitive by the extended family members. But I thought to myself  - here I was thinking I wasn’t going to allow any of my siblings or my wife siblings stay with us for the first few years so as to enjoy our intimacy. But I now had this situation – two siblings from my family. Now, I can’t remember whether I actually sat down with my wife to actually discuss the merits and demerits of taking them in; whether I did a business case or a strategic imperative analysis. Well I may have assumed that my wife would naturally agree seeing that I could not leave my siblings stranded. But I thank God that she understood the special circumstances and it was not a major issue. I wonder what would have happened if it was her own siblings. Would I have been so understanding?

Well the moral of today’s blog is “never say never”. Anything can happen in Life and in Marriage. God will give you the grace to cope with any situation or circumstances. So don’t rule out any sibling coming to stay provided it is for a genuine reason and don’t make a fuss about it. Now did we have issues? Yes. Was it all rosy? No. There were good times and not so good times but God gave us the grace.

I will discuss more about this in the next blog.

Stay blessed.

New Direction - Marriage, Family and Relationships

Hi all,

I took some time off to ponder on my writings; to ascertain if I was actually talking about all the issues I wanted to talk about. I found the issue of marriage too restrictive. I realised that I would have preferred to talk about other kinds of relationships also e.g. relationships between father and son; mother and daughter; God and man and also between siblings. (Currently studying the relationship between God and Man as portrayed in the book of Job)

I have come to the conclusion that I would expand my territory to include family and relationships in general. So henceforth, I will be talking about Marriage, Family and Relationships.

I will also publish my blogs once a week; every Thursday. Unfailingly.

So watch out for the first blog of the year next week, the 13th of January 2011.

Happy New Year to everyone that has been following and has gained a great deal from the blogs

Shalom

Francis

The marriage institution is under serious attack.

Ask yourself this question: Should there be anything wrong with the marriage institution? Boy meets girl; they get married; they start a family; they have good times and not so good times; they grow old together and die together. There is really nothing wrong but note this: the devil is very angry when a marriage prospers. Martin Luther even stated in 1521, "There is no estate to which Satan is more opposed than to marriage." Christians should not be fooled that the devil will be happy with the institution of marriage. Remember the holy book states that marriage between a man and a wife is like that of Jesus Christ and the church. So how can the devil be happy about prosperous marriages? How can you think that the devil does not bother about your marriage? Wake up and smell the coffee. Don’t be naïve.

Marriage is severely under attack from almost every quarter in these modern times. This militant anti-Christian view of marriage has infiltrated every sphere and stratum of our society. It is attacked by comedians, soap operas, and by modern militant feminism which seeks to rid itself of every maternal and wifely instinct. There is also heavy onslaught on the institution in movies and TV commercials. Some people think that Marriage is an antiquated idea or philosophy which can now be dispensed with by our more enlightened and liberated age. It doesn't seem very long ago that the world once considered that when a man and woman lived together outside of marriage, they were living in sin. But so successful has been the attack on marriage as a sacred and abiding institution that such is no longer the case. Previously people could not openly declare that they preferred their own kind instead of the opposite sex. The defiled bed, cohabitation, homosexuality and lesbianism are becoming the norm. People are termed to be politically incorrect if they openly criticize these abnormal tendencies. The divorce rate among Christians is said to be nearly as high as the in the secular marriages. Consider the statistics released by George Barna (www.barna.org), who directed a study on marriage and divorce in 2008. Please note that this study only refers to Americans but it is an important point of reference. Statistics showed that when evangelicals and non-evangelical born again Christians are combined into an aggregate class of born again adults, their divorce rate is statistically identical to that of non-born again adults: 32% versus 33%, respectively.  George Barna noted that Americans have grown comfortable with divorce as a natural part of life. He goes on to say that "There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage. He continues that" There is also evidence that many young people are moving towards embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life." If ever the Christian is to combat this humanistic, atheistic and sinful attack then it is essential that Christians themselves have sound and God-glorifying marriages which are built upon a solid biblical foundation.

So for those who are contemplating entering into marriage, it is a good thing but it is also warfare. It must be built on the solid rock. It is way, way above love of a man and a wife. The Bible calls it a mystery. But know this, it was instituted by God and there are rules and regulations. Be diligent, study the Bible and get ready for the journey. It is a life long journey with trials and tests. But it is a beautiful thing.

For those who are already in it, you will agree with me that without Christ and the commitment, it is not worth the hassle. The greatest advertisement for the power of the gospel is the Christian home, and that which will commend the gospel to this decadent age is the Christian marriage. Stay strong. Be committed to your marriage. Be aware of the power of “Two-in-one” (see an earlier blog)

In conclusion, I want us to remember that we are a chosen people taken from among men to show God’s glory. Our marriages must be a visible expression of that oneness that exists between Christ and the church. Let us commit to make our marriages work. It is warfare and we can always be victorious in every battle knowing that greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world.  Do not sleep; be alert. Make your marriage work.

For further study on the institution of marriage as God intended it, please read Genesis 2: 18-25, Ephesians 5: 21 – 33

Shalom

Do you trust your husband?

I spent some time talking with a close friend recently on his wife’s compulsive attitude to her business. He was getting worried that his wife had now placed her business as the first in her order of priorities. He couldn’t understand where the energy was coming from. She was spending an inordinate amount of time on her business to the detriment of her family and her God. He even told me that he was the one that set up the business for her so that she would not be bored but he didn’t know it would turn out to be this way. And this has been on for over 2 years.

I listened to him with rapt attention forgetting that I was the one that phoned him. I didn’t mind ‘burning my credit’ because I owed it to my friend to listen and proffer some advice. He is a good friend and I love his family. He is rich and I know that he can afford to take care of his family without the wife lifting a finger to work.

I then asked him some questions; “what do you think your wife is trying to prove?” Does she have faith in you? Does she think she needs to build a war chest while she can lest she be thrown out in the cold when there is a problem in the home or when you pass away? Do you think she trusts you? Does she think you have someone else somewhere?”

The Power of “Two-in-one” in marriage

Jesus recognizes that there is increased power when two people come together in prayer. That is why the Bible records him saying this in Matthew 18:19-20: "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

Jesus clearly states that if two of you agree. 

This means that you need someone to be an agreement partner with you. You need someone who knows what is at stake and appreciates what it means to stand firm and not relent. The most ideal situation is for a man and his wife to be in agreement.