Thursday, October 29, 2015

Three Reasons a Woman Would Cheat On You

Many people swear cheating is a man’s game; it is about the biological or should I rather say natural way men are wired- to be polygamous in nature because they are moved by what they see. Women on the other hand are moved by what they hear, therefore if a man is able to audibly satisfy her, he can rest easy that she’s not going anywhere. This to me is the most ludicrous science ever. Women, irrespective of the many promises and compliments thrown at them are just as likely to cheat. No, it has nothing to do with the way they are wired (by the way if you believe men are naturally wired to cheat, this is an invitation to contact me for counseling); cheating on the part of a woman is dependent on many factors which are often ignored by the strong believers in compliments and promises. Here are a few of them:

Nonchalance: Women who are in relationships with nonchalant men are more likely to cheat. It is not because nonchalant men are not doling out enough compliments or spending money on the finest things in life. It is because women like to feel they are important to their men. They want to feel like their absence will be deeply felt, and they are at the top of the priority list. Irrespective of how independent, mature and strong a woman is, this is a deeply-seated desire nothing can shake. It is not a result of insecurity as you may think. It is a necessary desire for appreciation. If you have a nonchalant attitude towards your woman, if you keep treating her like the last thing you have to sort out on your to-do list, she is highly likely to cheat on you with someone who makes her feel the world will stop if he doesn’t make her feel special. 

Bad sex: I don’t know if it’s due to an overly religious nature or pure ego that some men believe sex is not to be enjoyed by women. And I fail to understand if these reasons are possibly the root cause of women not being able to express their ill feelings about sexual encounters with their spouses, leading them to rather cheat. Whatever the reasons may be, bad sex remains one of the key reasons women cheat. Now bad sex is not necessarily sex that lasts a few minutes, just like good sex cannot be characterized by the number of hours. As a man, you may need to learn your spouse’s body as time goes on. Do a little trial and error to understand what gets her going. Bad sex is the reason some married couples drift apart. Contrary to popular belief, it is not always the woman’s fault if she fails to attain satisfaction. A selfish man, a man who doesn’t understand the essence of foreplay, or a man who doesn’t understand the needs of his spouse will push her to cheat. It really is that simple. 

Weakness: From discussions, I have gathered that women do not want weak men. Now, understand the meaning of weakness. A strong man is not one who controls his woman, beats her up when she steps out of line or treat her like trash when he is angry. That is not a strong man; that is an animal. A strong man is someone who is a deeply rooted shoulder, one who takes charge of situations not people, and one who comes to his woman’s defense whenever she is threatened. A weak man is a ‘yes man’, scared to challenge the status quo or rock the boat. A weak man cannot defend his woman; he lets life’s storms hit her left, right and centre without trying to fix it. No matter how strong, independent and mature a woman is, she does not want a weak man. Even if society insists he is the perfect fit for her based on her personality and disposition, she might end up looking elsewhere for that pillar of strength that lets her know she doesn’t have to do it all on her own. Step up!

What other factors can you think of? Do share! XOXO

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

What Do You Think About This Family Bed?

Image Via
I remembered how I used to sleep off on the couch and wake up in the middle of the night well tucked in beside my younger sister. It was ritual that went on for most part of my childhood. We don’t give our parents enough credit. They are such angels.
Another amazing thing about parents is how they think their ways out of situations and come up with solutions that meet the common need of every member of the family.
 The story behind this family bed is one of such stories of parents being extraordinary. Read the Boyce’s story HERE.
 What do you think about co sleeping? Can you get this kind of family bed?
Image via

Will He Ever Marry Me?

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Have you ever been in one of those relationships where you look forward to your birthdays, anniversary dates and every other date night just hoping the waiter would come in with that mysterious smile that tells of a surprise (you have been expecting?).  Do you find yourself hanging on every word your partner says hoping he might drop a clue about settling down in the middle of your conversations? Have you cleaned, cooked, given your body, given your money, and there is still no ring in sight? Have you found yourself following all the steps suggested by a relationship expert on how to get him to propose and there is still no change in your situation? How long have you had to wonder if your relationship was ever going to be ready for the next level?

Do you ask yourself if the one you have been dating for years will ever marry you?
Well, you might just be hung on the wrong person and it is about time you make a quick decision.
See,we all love for love to be all we dream it to be. We desire for things to work out exactly the way we envision them but more often than not we have had to accept that not everything works out in a particular way. Not all those we love would love us back same way and vice versa.
To be fair, you need to understand things from a man’s perspective. There are a number of reasons why a man might not feel ready yet;
·         He doesn’t feel matured enough- Maturity isn’t always about age but sometimes it is too. A twenty five year old man with a well-paying job and stable life might still feel like he needs to experiment a little, thus, making it hard for him to consider marriage.
·         He has commitment issues- Marriage is downright scary for some men and it takes a lot for them to be able to face their devil. This kind of man can give you an engage you for years
·         He is not financially stable- Men feel the need to be able to cater for their family and he might not propose or take it further if he isn’t there yet
·         He already gets all the marriage privileges with you- You cook,clean,give your body and do every other thing a wife does, the only thing missing is a ring. Why go through the rigors of a wedding when he can get all he wants without committing?
Bearing the above reasons why a man might not feel ready in mind, you might want to reconsider your decision to stay back in your relationship especially if the man is matured and financially buoyant or if you have feel like your priorities are not aligned. There is a huge chance that he doesn’t feel you are the one. It might be a hard decision to take but you need to move on.
You shouldn’t have to beg or coerce someone into making such an important decision. If you push for too long, you might end with a ring but still be left with a deep void within you and the knowing that something just doesn’t feel right.
I know lots of women feel validated by proposals and marriages but really the underlying story has to be about two people in love and committed to staying in love. Don’t be so transfixed on getting a man to propose or marry you that you drop all your standards and ignore every dangerous sign. Feeling he is the one doesn’t make him the one, love will happen for you at the right time.
Save yourself more wasted years, move on if he wouldn't commit.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Why Men are More Likely To Marry the Wrong Partner

Generally speaking, there are many good women, with great character attributes, good achievements and a healthy dose of humility who are still single and on the lookout for their husbands. For some reason, many of the women who are rude, arrogant, disrespectful, untidy, and whatever else you can come up with are married to men who are looking for the nearest cliff to jump off of. It makes you wonder how the world works, doesn’t it? Well, there is no need for an indepth scientific analysis of the male brain; my theory is pretty simple. 

After a relationship bites the dust, most women take some time to reflect on what went wrong, why it went wrong, what they did wrong, how they could have salvaged situations etc. Basically, women go through a mourning period for their relationships, and tend to over-analyze everything till they’ve gone full circle through the emotions of anger, surprise, self-blame, blame on others, chronic sadness, and at the brink of depression, get pulled back by the realization that they cannot change things that have happened, and if things were meant to be, they’d work out somehow. For many men, that is not the case. The idea of mourning a relationship and analyzing or over-thinking is not really a male characteristic. An advert I watched on TV once said the male brain is made of many wires but none of the wires are connected to each other, hence every event in a man’s life stands in isolation and is not emotionally attached to anything else.

Keep Calm and Pack Your Bags!

Some women swear by abuse as a necessity in marriage. They often describe it as an expression of love from their husbands. To them, it is a classic case of spoiling the rod and sparing the child, with them assuming the status of the child of course, while their husbands take the position of a parent. In other words, when they step out of line, they happily receive their due punishment in the form of slaps, punches, kicks, and whatever else their ‘parent’ husband believes will help them understand their actions were undesirable and should never be repeated. If you are one of such women, reading this post, now may be the time to start seeing a life coach.
There is a dogma amongst some women that if they were disciplined by their parents as children, there is nothing wrong with being disciplined by their husbands. Afterall, parents correct with love, why can’t husbands do the same? This is the reason many women fall into the cycle of abuse and never make it out alive. Some of those who make it out alive are scarred for life, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Some women never leave. They stay and endure it all as they believe women should. They endure the battering, the condescending talks and the constant feeling of walking on eggshells. Such women age, and become gracious recipients of ‘retirement from abuse’ simply because their husbands become too tired to raise their hands at them. Again, if you’re one of these women, it is time to see a life coach. Send me an email!

Making Your Marriage Work During The Social Media Age: Eight Rules To Abide By

I am a Google addict, most of us are. It is so hard not to rely on it and other powerful internet search engines seeing as there is a big library of resources online. There are answers to anything and everything, I could be having a bad day and google ‘why am I having a bad day’ or why is the sky so blue today?’

Not to make light of it, I am just trying to point out how vast and totally random the questions we ask are. One really can’t deny the truth in some of the materials one finds, but many times too, one has to be guided as most of the materials are opinions of other people.

Marriages and perhaps relationships enjoyed more exclusiveness before the advent of social media and the internet generally. There was arguably more dedication from the lovers as there were not so many distractions such as we have now. There were not so many ‘lists’ to check against to measure one’s lover’s dedication or otherwise.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Are You Desperate for Children?

After the wedding, children are automatically the next stop for many couples. Many people want children because they are eager to start a family, while others want children because it seems like the next thing to do. It doesn't help when family members start raising eyebrows at a newly wed woman's flat tummy, or when they start wondering when she'll switch her high heels for flat slippers in order to responsibly carry her bundle of joy. It doesn't help when friends post pictures of their newborns on instagram and facebook, and it all comes to a head when people start to taunt wives about their inability to have children. All of these external factors can build up to internal chaos in any woman and often leads to a desperation for children. 

For many married women, the pressure is from within their very homes; their husbands cannot understand why they are yet to conceive after countless hours of dedicated love-making. Whenever an argument is about to get out of hand, these women are silenced by the shattering words no woman wants to hear - "You cannot have children." 

Lack of children in a marriage can be very distressing for a woman, especially if her husband doesn't have the right attitude during the waiting process. I found it rather interesting when I read Hannah's story this morning in 1 Samuel chapter one. From verse 6 to 8, it was reported that Hannah's rival Peninnah taunted her so much, Hannah often broke down in tears, but her husband Elkanah always said to her "why are you weeping? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" 

I was very touched by this description of Elkanah; it showed very clearly the power of partnership in marriage, and the attitude a spouse should possess while waiting on God for the fruit of the womb. Elkanah's love for Hannah was not dependent on whether or not she could have children, he was with her because he sincerely loved her. When the world was taunting her, he stood in her corner and supported her. 

Fertility is a big issue, and more often than not, it is not anyone's fault. We cannot control the fertility defects we may have to deal with, but we can trust that God will hear our prayers. Elkanah stood by Hannah. he made her understand he married her because he loved her. He did not let the noise from outsiders decide his actions towards his wife. He did not let the fact that he had other children by Peninnah cause him to ignore Hannah. He did not focus on the fact that he could get another wife if he wanted; he focused on Hannah and stood by her side as a rock, often reminding her that his love for her was more than what ten sons could give. The bible did not mention it, but I would like to believe that support motivated Hannah to pray to God. It is more difficult to pray when there is no one in your corner, when there is no one cheering you on, when there is no one loving you in spite of your perceived shortcomings. 

What is your attitude as you wait on the fruit of the womb? Are you bashing your wife for her insecurities? Are you speaking in a condescending manner to your husband because of his low sperm count? Are you using words as swords to tear each other apart? No breakthrough will come from that! Start working together! Start supporting each other! Start praying together! Be the pillar of support your spouse needs! God in due time will fetch water with a basket, just to show the bucket He's God! Don't relent in support, in prayer and in faith! XOXO

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Marital SEX: What Is Off Limits?

The world has become overly sexualized and the line between what is right and what is perverse has been seriously blurred. The average Christian seeks to hold his sanity in a world where everything can be excused away. There is a new wave of rebranding sin and making sin only about what we morally suppose sin is and not what the bible says. Not to be found wanting , many Christians seek answers to some questions bordering on sex.

Sex is a big part of our lives that is mostly associated with sin and some very pious Christians might argue that God only created sex for procreation. Such people think trying different sex postures on the marital bed different from the traditional style is stretching the limits.

How sex ought to be conducted is not expressly stated in the bible but one can draw conclusions from all the many verses where it’s discussed.

We all are clear on what the bible says about fornication,adultery and bestiality. What seems to be the bone of contention is what is acceptable on the marital bed whether some form of sex is off limit on the marital bed. Can one become overly expressive while having sex with one’s spouse? Are there rules one has to diligently follow?

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

What's Your Motivation?

A few weeks ago, I was having a discussion with a lady who wanted my advice. We discussed relationships, and she boldly proclaimed she'd be pregnant and married by next year. Oh? How was she so sure, I asked. She proceeded to tell me she was seeing a guy from her former work place. I prodded a bit more and asked about how he treats her, did he have any plans for her birthday? who initiates the time they spend together etc. 

She told me very clearly that he was not the type to make plans for her birthday and she always initiated time spent together. OK... we were getting somewhere. "Why then do you plan to have his child and marry him if he makes no effort?" She shrugged and said nothing for a while. I changed the subject and asked about her work and her co-workers (past and present), and that's when it came out "They will be so surprised when I marry him. They will be completely shocked because they are not expecting me to get a guy like that." Ah...finally! It became very clear. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Should You Say NO to Your Husband's Sexual Advances?

It is a very common belief among women that a husband's sexual advances must never be reject irrespective of the circumstances. Very often, this piece of advice is transferred to single women from married women who have seen and heard it all, hence know what the cons of such actions are. 

Even amongst my friends, I have often heard the phrase "whenever he wants it, you must give it to him", and often times I raised my eyebrows in silence and promised to ponder over it. This advice is often followed by a well-veiled threat many women absorb without even knowing it "If you refuse to give it to him, he will go elsewhere." Well, that clears it up, doesn't it? 

Sex is an important part of marriage, no doubt about that. If you are married and not having sex, you might as well be best buddies sharing an apartment and a bed due to financial constraints. The question however is whether you'd be in the mood for sex everyday, or everytime your partner is in the mood for it. Probably not. Sex does not happen by flicking on a switch whenever you feel like it. Sometimes, psychological battles can dampen your mood and push sex to the end of your list of priorities. So what happens if your husband wants sex, and you don't feel like it? Can you say no? Yes! 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Cool Parenting; Can You Get Your Teenage Daughter Birth Control Pills?

We live in new kinds of extremes-The generation of the coolest mums and dads. Everything good or bad is excused away. We have given liberal a whole new definition. It is almost absolutely normal for parents to capture their 3 and 4 year olds twerking and share it on their social media pages. I was watching a show the other day where a dad was helping his 6 year old child get ready for his first kissHe referred to it as puppy love.
I shouldn’t be acting shocked but I truly am. After reading a post by some forward thinking mums on why it is great and safe practice to get one’s teen daughter birth control pills, I am officially numb.

It is true most of us are in denial of what we suppose our kids can be up to behind our backs and it could really seem like the sensible thing to do is to prevent unpleasant surprises by taking the easy way out. But encouraging such is only going to send the wrong message to your child. 

We are enjoined to have the sex talk with our children and explain to them about safe sex and all. Administering birth control pills however is extreme and I'd explain. It is bad enough that the child is/or may be having sex, are we also making it okay for them to be having unprotected sex?

I know there are always external pressures and such things as we have no control over but how this children turn out is like eighty percent dependent on us as parents.

Nothing is Wrong With You!

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You have probably been there a few times; looked into the mirror and asked yourself what it is about you that repulses the opposite sex? 

Why is it that in spite of all your gracious efforts to make your relationships work, something just sets the whole ball into a downward spiral? You've probably sat on your own many times and tried to dissect what you did wrong, and how you could have fixed it, but for some reason, you just can't find anything substantial that you did wrong. 

Why then do all your relationships fail? Is there an invisible sign on your forehead that says "available for mistreatment"? What exactly is wrong with you that makes the guys and girls want to take advantage of you? My response? Nothing.

As humans, our self-esteem is tied to a whole lot of things; whether we like to admit it or not, a better-paying job is a boost for our self-esteem; a stable relationship where you are cherished and adored is more than a self-esteem boost, it's a contribution to personal growth and happiness. It's a place of comfort where you go when you've had a hard day at work, or just feel blue because the sky is grey. It is understandable then that if that place of comfort turns out to be a sham, your self-esteem will take a knock, and you'll feel low. If you find yourself in such situations successively, then you might start to think you are the problem. This is very common amongst women who have been mistreated, cheated on, abused, taken for granted or even played for fools.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Don't Be Afraid of Greater Heights!

There is a psychological conditioning we must address as Christians; it is latent in many people and only exhibits itself when the chips are down and it is time to make a decision. I have noticed this mental control mostly among Christian women for a long time, and I often wondered if my thoughts were the problem. I read books, went to seminars and searched the bible to explain the trend in thoughts and behavior but was unable to find anything. Recently, I started to notice it in Christian men too, and I realized we need to nip it in the bud ASAP! I am talking of the fear of greater heights!

For some reason I cannot explain, many Christians believe the greater the hardship in life, the more the reward. You probably believe it too! I don't know if it is another level of humility that makes people think this way. I tend to find that when it comes to pursuits of success, many Christians tend to drag their feet. They don't want to be seen as too ambitious, or too determined to be successful. They don't want to be criticized for wanting too much, or for seeking material affluence in any way. They are afraid people will equate their ambition and drive to greed, and God will turn His back on them for not settling for the barest minimum. Worse still, is the constant urge they feel to apologize for their ambitions and desires.WRONG! This mindset is absolutely wrong!

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

I Have Been Dating A Married Man For Three Years- Will He Leave His Wife For Me?

The radio is a big part of Lagos. The OAPs are some sort of celebrities and I must confess that I envy them sometimes. It must be really nice making money off banters. 

There are times the discussion is just about a coke bottle and a Pepsi bottle, and they’d go on and on. Other times, it is more exciting. 

People call in sometimes wanting answers to real life issues or just calling in to know what their voices sound like on the radio. Some of the questions and issues have me talking loudly in agreement or disagreement at times.

One of such times was when a lady called in wanting to know if she was wasting her time with a married man she has been seeing for three years. The man in question is said to have been married for four years with two kids and he has been promising her he was going to leave his wife.

My first thought is ‘are you kidding me, is this even up for discourse’

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Loyalty Versus Individuality: Are You a Goat or a Sheep?

I have always believed that it is important to only go into a relationship with a person whose ills and flaws you can tolerate or overlook. It is easier said than done to overlook every single flaw, and tolerating them can push you to the brink of insanity. Being in a relationship can be really tough especially if you are not the type who listens, or funny enough, the type who speaks up. 

Whenever there is a difference of opinion between you and your partner, the ideal thing to do would be to listen to that saying that goes "In a fight between two hearts, if one is a goat, the other must be a sheep." In other words, two goats will only end up locking horns, and the results of such a squabble might not be so pretty. In the real world, I have observed that unbalanced relationships have a person who is constantly a goat (figuratively speaking), while the other person is constantly a sheep. The goat tends to always get its way; the goat sulks if it doesn't get its way, and more often than not, the goat will demand that the sheep apologize even if the goat set the unfortunate occurrence of events in motion. The sheep on the other hand is tolerant to a fault. The sheep is very subservient, and in this figurative description of a relationship, the sheep will always try to ensure that the goat does not get upset. 

The problem with many relationships that lead to abuse these days is that we tend to believe that if we are in love with a person, we must do everything in the book to please that person, as well as agree with every move that person makes. This applies to both men and women! There are men out there who in the name of letting their partner be her own person simply say yes to any of her demands; they do not have the courage to tell her she's wrong for fear of rocking the boat and losing the relationship. Women are the pros when it comes to this kind of behavior; many women bite their tongues and tolerate vulgar expressions of character because they don't want to come across as too controlling, or lose out on a relationship with the man in question. Slowly, many people find themselves blending into the character traits of their partners while they end up losing themselves completely. 

It may seem more christian-like to act like a sheep, but I'd like to encourage you to be a goat when you have to! Yes, you'll need to overlook certain traits; yes, you'll need to make peace with other traits, but any trait in your partner that diminishes you as an individual or does not take your feelings into consideration requires the attitude of a goat! So many people are scared to rock the boat and fall into the water. Why? I don't understand. If you fall into the water, you'll be able to assess if your partner is willing to ensure you both get back into the boat, or if he or she will simply swim away in search of another boat. If it's the latter, then you know you never really had a partner, you had a master! Sometimes your partner will do things that displease you extremely, speak up and let him or her know! Don't simply bottle it up with the hope that your silence will keep the relationship alive. To love a person does not mean you must agree with everything they do. Love is accepting a person as they are, and still letting them know the many ways they can improve themselves. Most importantly, even in love, it is important to let your partner understand where you stand on certain issues, and ensure that your loyalty to your relationship does not eradicate your individuality. XOXO

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Four Prayer and Faith Myths You should Stop Believing!

Believe it or not, there are so many myths about prayer and faith being preached on pulpits every Sunday. I often tried to adjust my prayer life to suit some of these myths, and with time, through my bible, I realized that they were being preached from a human perspective, and not necessarily in accordance with God’s word. Here are four important ones I’ve picked out:

Myth one: You don’t need to repeat your requests to God if you truly have faith.

I used to believe this; it seemed like the best way to exercise faith was to pray once and know that God has heard you, hence no need to keep repeating yourself. Wrong! In Matthew 15: 21-28, Jesus met with one of his most persistent acquaintances yet! A woman whose daughter was possessed by demons approached Jesus screaming “Have mercy on me O Lord Son of David!” Her cries were so incessant that the disciples got irritated and wanted Jesus to respond and just get rid of her. At first Jesus was silent, but she did not relent, when he did speak, his response was unfavorable – “I was sent only to help the lost sheep of Israel”. Did that stop her? NO! She persisted until she got her miracle. As Christians, we tend to believe we can only show faith by not persisting, I have learnt from several stories in the bible that this is not true. In fact, we ought to persist! We should keep knocking at Heaven’s gates until God helps us! Persistence is a form of faith in itself. It shows that you believe only God can help you, hence you will not stop calling on Him. 

Myth two: You don’t need others to pray for you

Yes, we all have access to God. But have you ever wondered about the power of cooperative prayers? They work! Many of us as Christians would rather hide the fire burning beneath our clothes because we are scared of people seeing the problems we have. We want to paint the perfect picture and keep up appearances; hence we fail to seek out those who can pray for and with us when our morale is low. Stop believing you don’t need other people to pray for you. In Acts 12, Peter was detained; his morale was probably low, and he’d probably submitted himself to an untimely death. But there were people praying for him at home! People who ushered his miraculous release through their prayers! You need people who will pray for you wholeheartedly!

Myth Three: You need to listen to the counsel of ‘holy men’.

One fact: No man is holy! No man is a spokesperson for God except God has appointed him so, and even then, many men and women cannot resist their human or logical element. Sometimes, we get discouraged from our paths of prayer by those we look up to. They tell us some miracles are impossible; they could have only happened in bible times. They tell us if God has not yet responded, perhaps it is time to stop praying and move on. There is nothing like moving on from prayer. God can afford everything you need. All you need to do is ask persistently!

Myth four: Crying is not a prayer

Based on personal experience, I beg to differ. Yes, God says we should ask, but God also feels it when we are so hurt, we cannot speak. God knows every thorn in our flesh, and every pain our hearts feel. There are times when we are too overcome to speak, so we break down in tears and cry our eyes out. Believe it or not, God knows, and ‘hears’ those tears!

The truth is that it is impossible to have a breakthrough without prayer. Sometimes, your prayers might be answered without you having to fast and sweat, but sometimes, you need to get up in the middle of the night when your panic attacks start threatening and pray fervently! There is nothing prayer cannot fix, because God can afford every single thing you want.

Any myths you’d like to share? Leave a comment

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Substance Abuse: The Devil In Us Vs The Will To Fight

I am living a parody
Remind me about control
Please nudge me into reality

I long for my desire to be under my dictate
For my yearnings to be safe
For me to be normal again

I long to no longer be my addiction’s slave

If you hear me

Rescue me from me…

The Humans of New York page is one of my favorite pages on social media. There is nothing compared to how a few lines quoted beneath a photograph provides an insight into the lives of total strangers and reiterating that we all are part of a big family that shares a common bond. A bond that cuts across races, religions, gender or whatever differences we might have, showing us that beneath all the layers of skin, we all are humans.

It was from that page that I read a post on a teacher that described how he sadly watches some of his promising students get drawn into the world of substance abuse and how they slowly become shadows of their former selves.

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