Monday, November 30, 2015

When Oceans Rise... Word of Encouragement

2015 is almost over, and there is no doubt some of you awesome readers are still looking up to God for a breakthrough; some of you are probably wondering if God is on holiday, and some of you are crucifying yourselves for your sins. Perhaps, they are the giant obstacles between you and God. I just want to tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel.

2015 started off great for me! It came with a lot of pleasant surprises and many reasons to give thanks. Along the way, it took a terrible turn I did not foresee, and truly I tell you that I’ve experienced emotions I never thought I could experience. I have broken down, picked myself up, walked a few metres and broken down again. Anxiety, panic attacks, and flirting with the borders of hopelessness… It has simply been too much for me to understand, and in the midst of all this, the one question I’ve asked myself is ‘why is God silent?’ If you’re asking yourself the same question, this post is for you.

Sometimes, life does not play out the way we want; sometimes it plays out better or takes a turn for the worse. When it turns out great, many of us give thanks and ride the wave of happiness. When it turns out sad, we retreat, pray, fast and do whatever else we believe will turn things around quicker. It is of course rather disappointing when all these efforts prove futile and we find the foundation of our faith being shaken to its very core. I know because I have been there so many times within a short space of time.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

You knew what was in store for you before the marriage


In all marriages, you always get a glimpse of what the marriage will be like before you get married. The difference between successful marriages and unsuccessful marriages is that the successful ones see the issues and decide on whether they can or cannot live the issues. The unsuccessful ones see the issues and decide to go in thinking they can change their spouses (without prayer) whether the spouses like it or not.

Examples abound in the counselling cases that I encounter. There was one case where the woman said that the husband was constantly abusing her, verbally and physically. I then asked whether she did not notice this before marriage. She confessed that there were instances where there were flashes but he felt that it was just a phase and that the guy would get over this habit.

Three Signs You're Dead and You Don't Even Know It

I heard a saying recently; "most people die at 25 and but are only buried at 65 or even older". It made me wonder how it was possible for a person to be dead, yet alive. Recent experiences have proven to me that it is indeed possible to be dead and go to work; it is possible to be dead and have children; it is possible to be dead yet get out of bed every morning and get through the basics of each day. Many people are hibernating in life, and are unaware; many are simply going with the flow for fear that swimming against the current might tear them apart. Many people are breathing oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, but really everything within them is dead, rotten and possibly crumbling to fine particles of powder that can be easily blown away by the wind. It is possible to be dead and not aware. Here are three signs you might be dead and need to awaken yourself!

#1 You've stopped believing in yourself: People do not necessarily die from external pressure and pain. People die inside when their hope in their abilities die. People die when they believe they cannot achieve much, or their extensive efforts will amount to nothing. If you have gotten to a point where you've stopped believing in yourself, and are now ravished by feelings of hopelessness, pain and lack of success, you might be dead inside or very well on your way there. Pause. Step back. Reassess your situation; reassess your strategies. Your failure is not in your ability; it is most likely in your execution style. 

#2 You've stopped believing in love: At some point in life, many people claim to stop believing in love. They refer to past hurts and pain to justify their stand, but after a while, they warm up to the idea of love again. They watch a movie that melts their hearts, they witness a beautiful proposal that gives them hope, they come in contact with someone who does everything right without slipping up, Those are the people who managed to stay away from the dark side. You know you're dying or are dead inside when you've crossed over to the dark side in this regard. When you no longer have hope in humanity or understand why you need to show a person kindness, you're slowly dying inside. No single tree can make a forest, and it is almost impossible to find a tree with a single leaf on it. In other words, you're more likely to flourish when you are connected to others in love. Believe it or not, little acts of love and kindness make the world go round. 

#3 You're sleepwalking through life: Do you ever wake up and feel like you have nothing to look forward to? I understand work is not exactly something many people look forward to but it does help to have a mission set for each day, even if that mission is work. If you are at the point where it feels like you have no mission set for the day, and cannot fathom what you ought to be doing with your life, you might be at death's door inside. I came across an interesting quote that said "loneliness is not the absence of people; it's the absence of purpose." I believe sleepwalking is the absence of a sense of purpose too. There are times when life is just downright difficult; believe me I know. During such times, try as much as possible to engage in activities that keep your mind stimulated. Writing, drawing, singing, aerobics, dance class, whatever it is, no matter how insignificant it may seem, get engaged in something that keeps your mind working, and sets goals before you. 


Saturday, November 28, 2015

Five Reasons Why You Should Avoid Sex

If I had a dollar for every time someone rolls his/her eyes when the celibacy debate comes up, I will probably be right there with Dangote and the likes. Having sex on the first date or after a few dates has become the fad in the present age, even within churches.
Everyone is probably doing it so why be different?
Interestingly, there are people in the present age who dare to be different despite the moral decadence. According to a study , one in 20 couples actually practice abstinence, although it might not be a mutual choice.

People practice celibacy for different reasons; it could be for religious, moral, spiritual or health reasons. Whatever the reason might be, it is not a decision to be imposed on anyone. Everyone and even unborn children know that fornication and adultery is a sin but many still go ahead and break it anyway. There are some rules that can only be kept after one has gained a great understanding why one should keep them.

Rules and regulations are good sometimes but that doesn’t make them easy to keep. It sometimes could feel like being in a strongly guarded cage with huge locks. I never used to like any kind of rule- good or bad. My secondary school reminded me of that cage a lot. Man! Did they have rules? “Don’t be caught doing anything after lights out; always be at the assembly; observe siestas and prep classes; you can’t leave the school except on holidays and midterm breaks; cooked food are not allowed in the hostel; etc.
Looking back now, I have come to understand that some rules and regulations had to be made to save mankind. Imagine if we were all allowed to do whatever we please, if we could get away with murder or if it didn’t matter if we all thought the streets are great refuse dumps? What a chaos we would have created? The point is we don’t necessarily have to understand rules to obey them but understanding them makes them easier to keep.

I can roll out dozens of scriptures on why one has to keep one’s body but you might still be missing the point.
  • STDs are real, yes I said it. There are so many, see a list here. A woman shared how she discovered she couldn’t have children after having contracted chlamydia which blocked her fallopian tubes. Oh, how about condoms, you might ask? Well, they have been known to break.
  • The most obvious one has to be unwanted babies. Even married couples find it hard to deal with babies that weren’t exactly planned for not to consider someone that is not married and ready. As earlier said, condoms have been known to fail.
  • It can be very liberating to know you have no sexual ties or obligations to anyone. You don’t have to wonder about your weight, your sexual skills and what nots, when you could be doing or thinking about more productive things.
  •  It breeds intimacy. You would have more time to focus on other parts of your relationship as you are likely to be less distracted. A study shows some abused people confuse sex for love.
  • Well, I can’t but go spiritual, sex is really sacred. Your body is the temple of Christ. There is an odd chance that one would get married to one’s first love. Imagine all the body counts and all the unknown spiritual engagements with different people before one finally meets the one.

The ball is really in your court and like I said earlier, you can only come to this understanding by yourself. Open yourself up to the Holy Spirit and let him guide you. No one said it would be easy but it is worth trying.
Also it doesn’t matter if you have been having sex before reading this post, you could make amends and take that step to keep yourself. Don’t be deceived by the media, there are many people that are practicing celibacy/abstinence.

God bless.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Five Things You Should Do Before You Say “I Do”

Marriage can be a whole lot of fun, but for some people, it can be full of surprises. They get married and wonder if they even know the person they are married to. They complain about the sudden change in their spouses, and the overwhelming sadness that clouds their marriage.

Truly, it is impossible to know a person completely, and people do change as they grow older, but there are traits about your partner you should know as they would affect the everyday dynamics of your relationship. I was having an interesting discussion with a few friends, and somehow came up with a list of things to do before you decide to tie the knot. 

#1 Go on a road trip: If you think you know your partner well enough, try going on a road trip. I am not referring to a road trip to the next city, or the next state or province. Try something that involves rest stops, long hours of driving, and exchanging responsibilities. Road trips are fun, but they can also test your patience. How does your partner shape up when things get sticky, cramped up and uncomfortable? A road trip could be an eye opener.

#2 Play devil’s advocate: I mean deliberately disagree with your partner on something that is vividly clear. Assess how he or she handles the debate? Does it lead to anger? Do you feel forced to accept his/her opinion? Does he or she catch on that you’re playing devil’s advocate, laugh about it, and move on? Or does it end in sulking? This is an insight into how your spouse will handle your arguments. 

#3 Build something together: It doesn’t matter what it is; a bicycle, a tractor, a bookshelf, anything you fancy. In healthy relationships, couples relish working well together to achieve their set goals. Building something together can help you see what your partner is really like when there’s a goal at hand. Does or he take absolute control of the process without paying any attention to your input? Or is the task approached with constant grumbling? Or does your partner simply fold his or her arms while you take on the bulk of the work? This is a preview of how you will both achieve your goals.

#4 Play Thirty Seconds or Pictionary: The first time I played thirty seconds, I laughed so hard, I cried. Literally! There are no other games that test the communication skills of individuals as well as these two. Couples need to be able to communicate without spelling everything completely. Sometimes, as much as one partner wants to spell things out, it’s just difficult to do so. These games teach the art of communication where every single detail is not spelled out. You might be surprised to find how bad you both are at communicating abstract stuff.

#5 Go to a couples’ retreat: Couples counseling sessions are fun and all, but sometimes, it involves a pastor who gives advice and two people who nod along because they cannot dare to argue with the pastor. An unconventional way to discover and address loopholes in your relationship is a couples retreat with other couples you hardly know. Why? You will not feel the need to impress anyone, or simply nod along. You can speak up, talk about what bothers you, and awaken your intimacy if it’s sizzling out. To do this successfully, you need to open-minded, so it is honestly not for everyone. 


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Dear Husband, Birth Control Should Not Be Left For Your Wife Alone

It is interesting in this day and age that men still leave the issue of birth control to their wives. How can a man say, "I thought you were doing something. How can you get pregnant without telling me?"

I remember sometime back when someone told me her husband was furious with her when she said she was pregnant. I was amazed at her husband's reaction. I proceeded to ask the following questions;

Question: Were you using any birth control method?
Wife: No

Question: Did your husband know that you were not using any birth control method?
Wife: Yes

Question: Was he using any birth control method?
Wife: No

Question: And both of you continued to engage in regular sex?
Wife: Yes

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Pastor Poju Oyemade invites you to Singles Summit at Covenant Christian Centre on 29 November

The Covenant Christian Centre presents another edition of its Singles Summit.

The theme of this edition is "Eliminating the Seven Most Prevalent Causes Of Faulty Mate Selection" 

Venue: The Covenant Place, Iganmu 
Date: Sunday, November 29, 2015 
Time: 4.00p.m 

It is Free!!

Here is a Facebook video about the event

Join me this Sunday for the Singles Summit

Posted by Poju Oyemade on Sunday, November 22, 2015

Are You Guilty Of The Incredible Relationship Blunder?
I have been watching a show about incredible blunders in engineering and you’d be surprised just how much an omission or commission can cause. When we see beautiful engineering structures such as rails, sky scraping buildings or tunnels, we forget to appreciate the work that have gone into it. Amazingly, there are so many factors asides from beautiful architectural drawings to be considered before one can truly have a masterpiece. 

Can you believe that there was an episode of a road that led nowhere? It was almost unbelievable but after investing millions of dollars in constructing the road they discovered there was a mountain at the end and they couldn’t make a road through it. One would have thought a bunch of engineering professionals would have a better foresight. There was even a ski surface that was constructed with no foundation(of course you can guess how that ended).

Sadly some structures have to be demolished while some constructions have to be halted after discovering the topography of the soil or some other factor is working against it. This errors sometimes cost human lives, time and tons of money. 

Don't Poke Holes in Your Relationship!

Many couples find themselves heading to divorce courts over emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, infidelity etc. Some couples head to divorce courts because of irreconcilable differences, and more often that not, I ask myself what that truly means. What is it that happens during the course of marriage that suddenly renders it an impossibility to fix due to differences? How do couples who live under the same roof suddenly wake up and decide their differences cannot be reconciled, hence it is best they go their separate ways? Perhaps, interviewing such couples might reveal a lot, but the truth is irreconcilable differences are often a result of holes people poke in their relationships themselves. 

The truth many couples fail to understand, or should I rather say fail to acknowledge is that they set the stage for 'irreconcilable differences' by poking holes in their relationships. How does one poke holes in a relationship? The answer is pretty easy - by neglecting your partner. 

Neglect is a big factor in many broken relationships even though many people fail to admit it. In this fast-paced world, it is easy to get carried away with your personal ambitions to a point where you ignore the needs of your spouse and the needs of your marriage. You find yourself caught up in so many interesting personal pursuits, personal aspirations, personal goals etc, that the only thing that interests you is what serves you. You will not notice you are neglecting your spouse because you somehow convince yourself that you are doing all these pursuits for the good of both of you. Stop and think! If you have been cancelling dates, avoiding intimacy, been too tired to chat, falling asleep before your head touches the pillow, and disappearing on weekends to gain in on your pursuits, your partner might be feeling neglected. Neglect pokes holes, and where there are holes, anything can flow in. Whenever there are holes in a ship, it is more likely than ever to sink. When you poke holes by neglecting your spouse, you leave the door wide open for infidelity, complacency where your relationship is concerned, and underlying strife that will boil to the surface with time. 

The key to avoiding 'irreconcilable differences' is to carry your spouse along in your decisions and pursuits. Make sure you are not so self-absorbed in what you stand to gain. Rather create a balance between personal goals and relationship goals to ensure you both stick together through the journey. If you currently have holes in your relationship, fill them with intimacy, acts of love, respect, and exchange of ideas and opinions. XOXO

Friday, November 20, 2015

Living In This Time Of Terror

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Image via
Some heard the news just before they went to bed while others woke up to it. Paris was attacked and hundreds of people lost their lives.

Hundreds of those that never envisioned they would be breathing their last while gyrating to the vibes of their favorite band or while catching up with an old friend over dinner, breathed their last. Paris brought into perspective what many other countries in the world’re going through.

Sadly we might have thought all these could be wished away and the lives lost might have fast become numbers to us but it doesn’t seem like we have seen the last of these horrific acts. Just like the times before now, the terrorists are not about to put their arms down.

The madness seem to persist, in this part, the smoke from the Adamawa and Kano blasts can still be seen in the air.

Dreams broken and buried under the earth, body parts missing and scars telling of a day when an echoing sound sent kids and mothers scampering for cover. Millions of families displaced all over the world, living on drops of hope, hoping the sun shines in their lives again. It is just really sad that there seem to be no end to this madness. 

A lot of us have tried to understand it, perhaps it is as a result of different religions but how does one explain the attack on mosques or the bombing of markets where every and anyone could be. Perhaps we can sensitize one another and make everyone see that more harm is being caused and the seeds of hatred being sown will affect our generations to come but it is not that simple.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Don't Let Change Ruin Your Marriage

If there is one truth I have deduced from the marriages of my buddies and acquaintances, it is the fact that marriage is very much like life. It is full of ups and downs. As a single individual, there are highs and lows; there are moody days, and there are upbeat days. There are days when you decide to drop a bad habit, and there are days when you decide to take up a new hobby. The point here is, as a single individual, you are prone to a lot of changes, because it's a human norm. Getting married does not stop change; and truly, there is nothing wrong with changing. Sometimes change is a sign of growth, and you can't stop growing simply because you are married. The problem is when you start growing without carrying your partner along. 

We all have our tendencies when we are undergoing change. Some people sit with their partners and discuss the possibility of change; some people simply change and expect their spouses to catch up, while others change and could not care less about their spouses catching up or not as long as they are happy. This results in a disconnect amongst spouses, and if not addressed as soon as possible, can lead to spouses growing completely apart, and separating due to irreconcilable differences. It is important to audit your relationship frequently to ensure you are connecting with your spouse spiritually, emotionally, financially, intellectually and spiritually. If you are not connecting in an area or some areas, then you have to take steps to seal the gaps. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Change How You Approach Women!

It is difficult to find a good partner – Yes, I have heard that so many times, it bugs me. Women are mostly on the complaining end; many young men these days are either full of jokes, lies, or can’t tell what they want. Men are complaining too! Most women they meet are either after money, their status or the golden achievement - marriage. It’s not like wanting marriage is a bad thing but when a man meets a woman who wants marriage more than she wants him, there’s bound to be some trouble. This post is not about women though; it’s for men. 

Many men do not realize that they set the stage for how their relationships turn out. They set the stage for the deceit they end up with, or for the gold-digging women who have absolutely nothing to offer in return. It is easier than you think to make the wrong first impression, and even easier to keep propagating that impression without really knowing it. I watch men do these things everyday, and sometimes, I feel the urge to shake them vigorously just so they wake up, but I figure that won’t help much, so I’d rather just write this post.

#1 Stop approaching women with a marriage proposal: You may not know this, but starting off your relationship with someone you barely know by proposing marriage increases your chances of getting hooked to a desperado. Sadly, most of the men who do this are the good, stand up guys who are keen to settle down. Some of them get away with it, but many of them have tales of woes to share. If you have been doing this, stop it now; really please do. It scares away normal, intelligent women who have their lives together, and mostly attracts women who want to be hitched so badly, they’ll pretend for the few months leading to the wedding and unleash the dragon once you say “I do.”

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

9 reasons why men don't discuss problems with their wives


This is a post for the women.

Some women believe they don't understand their husbands. Why doesn't he tell me when he is going through trying times? Why does he have to wait until everything goes belly up before he says anything? If he told him, I could have helped out. I thought that we are one in this marriage.

Well here are some reasons that he might not share his problems with you;

Thursday, November 12, 2015

"This is Not the Marriage I signed Up For!"
I have heard so many heartbreaking stories about marriage. Sometimes I wonder why people bother to get married at all. I have heard stories of abuse, I have seen people throw in the towel because they just can't go on anymore, and I have seem many people broken and battered, yet staying put in order to save face with society. In all these scenarios, one confession remains constant 

"This is not the marriage I signed up for!"

It is disheartening to hear that statement. More often than not, I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about marriage, and wondering if people truly change to become these beasts that exert torture on the partners they swore to love, come hell or high water. The truth I have learned is that people do not change, and in many cases of bad marriage, there are no victims; there are simply volunteers. Truly, some people have been blindsided by wolves in sheep clothing; some have truly found themselves married to people who changed all of a sudden, but I discovered most of the time that people do know what they are signing up for when they get married. 

Lies Women Tell Themselves About Men

We might not like to admit it as women but we lie to ourselves everyday where men are concerned. We have absorbed ridiculous theories, and quotes as facts, and without being aware, we act out accordingly. For some women, these lies have helped preserve their relationship, albeit unhealthy. For others, these lies have proven to be fallible, causing them to question what it is exactly that they are doing wrong.Well, I can tell you now that internalizing lies about men is the only thing you are doing wrong. I have selected some of the most popular lies women like to indulge in. 

#1 All men cheat: No, that's not true. I know a lot of young men who do not, and cannot cheat. No it is not because they don't face temptation everyday, or because they have low libido. It's because of who they are as individuals. Some men would die a thousand deaths if they succumbed to the temptation of sending a flirty text in response to the object of their temptation. Cheating boils down to integrity, and truly, not many people have integrity these days, but find a man who does, and you will never again utter this lie to yourself. 

#2 Men are like babies: Yes, I have heard this so many times, and at some point, I believed it. But my tolerance for adult babies is so low, it didn't take long for me to dismiss this. Where women got this ideology from is still beyond me. Everyday, I see articles from married women advising young unmarried ladies to treat their men like babies, and I just shake my head in despair. Men are not babies! Boys are babies. You are in the relationship as a partner, not a mother, so start acting your part! Stop excusing his wrongs by telling yourself he's like a baby. No he's not. He's only taking advantage of the fact that you think he is. 

Monday, November 9, 2015

"Not Your Responsibility"

Just when I think I have seen or heard it all, something or someone comes along and shatters that illusion. I sometimes wonder if proclaiming I have seen it all is a dare to the universe to prove me wrong. In 2015, in this day and age, I have discovered there are James and Janet Bonds in marriages and even relationships whose courses are yet to be determined. Sometimes I feel it's an exaggeration, but personal accounts of those caught in the crossfire, and even my own personal experience has revealed that there are more secret agents in relationships than there are normal 'imperfect yet emotionally balanced' individuals. Yes, I am referring to infidelity and the need you might feel to set him/her straight.

I have realized that even with the surge of self-assurance articles, increase in self-esteem and the billion and one ways to battle insecurity, many boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands are out there trying to bludgeon to death anyone who dares to look at their partner. I have heard incidents of innocent people being slapped for shaking hands with married, engaged or dating men, and I have often stared in bewilderment as they recounted their experiences. Clearly, I have or heard or seen it all.

If you are one of those partners who stalk, threaten and physically assault anyone your partner comes in contact with, this post is for you. 

Firstly, the fact that you feel the need to follow up on every move your partner makes, or everyone he or she speaks with is a sign that you are crossing over to the dark side of insanity. Take a deep breath and assess why you are so insecure. Are you scared your partner will leave for someone else? Well, when you have been committed for a long time, that is a valid fear, but it is not enough to turn you to a lunatic. Ask yourself "what's the worst that could happen if your partner walks out the door? Will your life come to an end? Nope; I can tell you that much. Will it hurt? Of course! But you can't die. So why push yourself to insanity's door? 

It is not your responsibility to keep your spouse faithful, and keeping someone with you by instilling fear in him/her is not what love is about. Sooner or later, that person will overcome the fear and move on anyway. And even if they are too crippled to do that, your relationship will simply function according to the makings of your imagination. What's the joy in that? If you suspect you partner of infidelity, rather have a discussion with him/her rather than going around slapping people and threatening bodily harm. Go out with your friends, have fun, and if your partner is truly an infidel that won't quit, walk away. Preserve yourself; there is always someone better out there for you. XOXO

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Getting Over The Anxieties Of Having Another Child

I come from a family of five kids and most times I wonder how my parents cope with us. Despite sharing same parents, we all have our distinct features and needs, especially emotionally. My parents stay in all our lives effortlessly and it wasn't until of late that I started really thinking about how superhuman that is.
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 Before I had my child there were many things that felt like unreachable goals. I never knew how to change a diaper. I don’t sleep much but I have always adored my ‘me’ time and the serenity of having my own space whenever I wanted. I knew my life was going to be altered but I never quite imagined the transition. There are times I just wanted to shout and scream but those beautiful pair of eyes staring directly into mine in the middle of scattered laundry, could  disarming. I have learnt to love far beyond whatever limits I might have had.There is absolutely nothing compared to the bod we share.

These past two years have happened so fast. I probably have done more growing up in these two years than I have most of my life. I get asked a lot when I’ll be ready for the second one, I laugh it off sometimes, other times, I say ‘soon’. What I am not saying however, is how scared I am that my heart might not be large enough to pour same amount of love on the second child. I also fear that my daughter might feel starved of affection seeing as she has always had me to herself. Asides, how am I going to handle two kids when how I have fared with one has been a miracle.  They say women are great jugglers, perhaps it wouldn’t be as hard as I suppose or it might come naturally. Maybe, my heart can stretch even further or I should not bother trying out for a second one? Inside me can be a bunch of varied disorganized thoughts sometimes. Perhaps, I should just take the leap and hope my heart can stretch. I have been made to understand that my fears are genuine and there are several women who feel the same way.  My mum’s ultimate tip is that every child brings a whole new kind of experience and that the heart is larger than we think. Apparently, we are oblivious of all the love we can give. There are however, steps one can take towards preparing for the second child and these tips are as shared by different mums.

 ·         Don’t give in to all of us your child’s requests, that way you would have taught him that he cannot always have his way and it wouldn’t seem so out of place when you do the same when the new child comes.

·         Having a couple of years between them can be an advantage. That way, one’s older child might be able to do somethings on his own .

·          “If the baby is fussing (not really crying, just complaining), make sure your first hears you say, ‘Just a minute baby, I'm helping (insert siblings name) right now.’ I did this several times the first few weeks, and when the tables were turned and I had to ask my firstborn to wait while I nursed, etc., it went much smoother.” -- Megan Rose Hershfield See more amazing tips HERE

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Husbands Are Short In Supply

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The journey to self is a journey of many years and a very necessary journey for every human. Not only will one get to a place of self-realization and purpose, one also gets to understand that limitations are almost nonexistent. The beauty of this journey is it has nothing to do with getting older, it is a conscious decision one can come to at any period in one’s life.

Many times we find ourselves trying to measure up against the norms and standards of the society while we lose sight of who we are or who we ought to be. I got into this reflective mood just after seeing a movie,After I Do,  based on the life of three women who suffered different kinds of abuse in the hands of their husbands. They endured physical, verbal and emotional abuse. The thing about abuse is it is not peculiar to women only, there are also men who find themselves in horrible situations in their home but feel helpless in the face of the situation.

It occurred to me as the movie progressed that we are never as helpless as we think we are. One of the women in the movie was scared she would be left with no companion if she left her abusive husband. She  felt her husband was doing her some kind of favors by staying married to her. She was also scared that she will be judged by the society for not enduring one of many ‘marriage’ trials. Her friend shared that she feared that she might end up an old maid if she didn’t agree to her husband’s proposals. She was told ‘husbands are short in supply’. She realized she made the greatest mistake of her life when after her husband infected her with HIV, He excused it ‘as one of those things’. 

Are You Good Enough As a Spouse?

The definition of a good spouse varies; for some, it is all about support in every way possible- financially, spiritually, physically,etc. For some people, a good spouse does his or her half and leaves the rest for grabs. That at least is good enough, and is certainly better than a spouse who contributes nothing to the relationship. Many people like to think they are good enough, and that is where the problems of many relationships stem from. People become so self-absorbed, they believe whatever they bring to the table, even if it is not in line with their partner's needs, is good enough. Hence, there is no attempt on their part to be who their partner nneed. They simply stick to being a generic prototype of what a spouse should be.
Many relationships are built on a sense of obligation, resulting in the unshakeable feeling that one is simply fulfilling a task. Many men believe they are good enough if they pay the bills, provide for the children, and manage to keep their pants zipped up. For some women, it is about how domesticated they are; as long as they can cook tasty meals, keep the home clean, and take care of the children, they are good enough. There is a sense of obligation that seems to overtake everything else when we start to discuss marriage, and this I believe is one of the many deep-seated reasons relationships crash. 

Firstly, you must understand this: Marriage is not an obligation you must tick off your list every morning. It is not a checklist of what you have managed to achieve, nor is it simply about fulfilling your end of the bargain. It is way deeper than that. Marriage is not just an exchange of vows; it is a commitment to protecting another person's heart and interests with as much strength as you protect yours. It is not about paying the bills or buying the groceries; marriage is about nurturing your partner, and being there when the chips are down. Marriage is not just about keeping up appearances or fulfilling societal expectations; marriage is about being there at your partner's ugliest moments, yet lettingh him/her know that you will never leave, never stop loving, and never fail to see the beauty in them everyday. 

Many people go into marriage because they think they are good enough and ready. They know they can shoulder the physical responsibilities and financial commitments. But the question they should be asking is 'can they shoulder the emotional responsibilities?' Can they nurture and pamper? Can they care for someone else like they care for themselves? Can they overlook errors and refrain from hurtful words? Do they have the necessary maturity required to build up their spouse as opposed to tearing them down? Do they have the skill of communication? Do they have control over their anger? These are key questions to ask before you commit!

It is not enough to be good enough as a spouse. You should be exceptional! You should aim to excite, impress, and please your spouse (No, I am referring to only women here; men too!). You should try to be who your partner needs, not the textbook version of what society feels you should be to achieve a successful marriage. You should study your partner, learn about your spouse, take note of the little things, be spontaneous, give generously, and above all protect your spouse's emotions. XOXO

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Is Traditional Marriage Valid In the Eyes Of God?

As Christians, there are many times we find ourselves wondering about what is right or what is wrong especially on issues where the bible seem to be silent such as marital sex, masturbation, dating etc.

In the wake of this, there seem to be so many opinions on what ought to be and many among us just go with what is logical. The things of the spirit don’t necessarily have to do with reason, if it were, then it’ld be understandable if two people that are committed towards getting married just get to having sex even before the solemnization. It makes sense to go into the word of God and ask for the guidance of the holy spirit.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Why You're Likely to End Up Abused

I don't think anyone wants to abused, nor do I believe people go into relationships with hopes of being heartbroken. Everyone hopes for a happy ending, but the truth is not everyone works for a happy ending. Believe it or not, there are actions/decisions that make you pre-disposed to heart-brokenness and abuse, and with this post, I am going to open your eyes to your biggest action that puts you at the mercy of an abusive partner. 

Do you ever meet someone new, get attracted to that person right away, and start contemplating a relationship based on the first-time attraction and fun you may have shared? You've probably done that at some point. Who hasn't? It is the perfect love story everyone yearns for; the type you only find in romantic comedies and cheesy novels. But in reality, these relationships mostly do not pan out right.

How should a Christian treat his homosexual co-workers?

Dear Counsellor,

I am a Christian and I work in an international company where they talk about diversity in the workplace. There is also diversity training on sexual orientation and gender identity issues. I know some of my colleagues in the company are homosexual and as a Christian, I really would like to know how to treat these colleagues.

Even though I must say, I really detest the perversion of the sexuality and the rising importance and recognition of the homosexuals. I think Christians are allowing this issue to explode without taking a stance.

Yours faithfully,

Andrew O.

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