Sunday, November 1, 2015

Why You're Likely to End Up Abused

I don't think anyone wants to abused, nor do I believe people go into relationships with hopes of being heartbroken. Everyone hopes for a happy ending, but the truth is not everyone works for a happy ending. Believe it or not, there are actions/decisions that make you pre-disposed to heart-brokenness and abuse, and with this post, I am going to open your eyes to your biggest action that puts you at the mercy of an abusive partner. 

Do you ever meet someone new, get attracted to that person right away, and start contemplating a relationship based on the first-time attraction and fun you may have shared? You've probably done that at some point. Who hasn't? It is the perfect love story everyone yearns for; the type you only find in romantic comedies and cheesy novels. But in reality, these relationships mostly do not pan out right.

Many of us tend to decide on a particular person before we even get to know that person properly. We meet someone new, get attracted to them right away (which is not a bad thing; you can't exactly dictate who you get attracted to, and who bores you to death). Based on this attraction, we start to build a relationship in our minds, even without the other person being aware. We build castles in the air without learning about that person. In other words, we decide in our hearts that we want to date a person before we even get to know that person. That is a problem.

Such decisions, when made are often difficult to overturn because we simply tell ourselves this is who we want irrespective of their ill behaviors. Therefore, when that person begins to mistreat us, we hang on to our decision, which was based purely on infatuation. It seems the idea of a whirlwind romance is very appealing, and the thought of patiently getting to know a person is just too much work. This is why people get abused in relationships, and eventually end up heartbroken. They decide on a merchandise without first learning its specifications. 

Before you start building a relationship with anyone at all, even your church brother/ sister, get to know that person! Ask questions, do your research: how did their last relationship end? Why did it end? What are this person's quirks and peeves? How does this person handle conflict? How does this person deal with a difference in opinion? What is this person into? Does he or she always want to play the victim? Is his/her ex 100% to blame for things falling apart or is the responsibility being shared? These are questions you need to answer in your head before you let your heart build any castles. 

It is often difficult to leave an abusive relationship because in spite of the evidence, you stay stuck on the image of that person that you managed to work up in your head, rather than address who that person really is. This is because many of us are dying for acceptance from someone, and at that point, anyone who is willing to accept us is good enough, even if in reality they are not worthy. 

Stop dwelling on the image you have conjured in your mind. Stop making decisions based on a first time meeting. Take your time; make your decisions AFTER you've heard the full story. Don't get swept up in your infatuation and begin to feel sorry for a person who relishes playing the victim. A man or woman who constantly plays the victim could be abusive. Listen carefully to what he or she says. Assess and analyze the stories, and if anything is unclear, speak up! Rock the boat else you'll never really know who you are about to journey with. XOXO

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