Monday, March 31, 2014

Money- The Factor That Ruins Many Relationships

"Money is not everything". I smile everytime I hear that statement, not because I don't angry but because of the psychological 'program' attached to that statement when most people say it. 

Perhaps it's a cultural thing or better yet, a geographical ideology that money and love do not go together. If he's too rich, the love is not real; he must be abusive, a cheater and basically worse than the devil himself. If he is poor, he must be the best man on earth- full of affection and willing to do whatever his woman asks of him, even if it includes licking the dust from her toes. How wrong are we?! 

Unfortunately, I know a number of people that went with the above-mentioned analysis and ended up in dissatisfying unions that are headed for the rocks. Why? Because money is important!

I don't understand why for some reason, many christians do not like to put their finances in check before they get married. The statement "God will provide" is so common with us. While that is true in every way, we need to make decisions that are sensible (for lack of a better word). 
A pastor once said to me "Many women, in their quest to get married will not discuss financial issues with their spouses to avoid coming across as gold diggers". I had to agree because I had friends in that exact boat.

I once had the privilege of attending a relationship seminar and something the pastor said struck me. He said "Young men, don't get married if you can't provide for your family! And ladies don't marry a man that can't provide for you." Why? It is the husband's job as the head of the family to be the provider and the protector. When God made Adam and Eve, he didn't just create Adam, leave him by the roadside and well, told him to do whatever he pleases. On the contrary, God gave him a job - to look after the garden of Eden? What was his wage? A home in the garden and an endless supply of food, because God knew that they had to have somewhere to lay their heads and food to fill their stomachs.

These days, money is one of the leading causes of divorce; wives mistreat their husbands because they make more money, husbands refuse to give their housewives money for their upkeep, couples fight over who the responsibility of paying the mortgage and other bills should fall on....the list goes on. We all know love doesn't pay the rent or the price of bread at the grocery store. Marriages need money to survive.

I'll echo the advice I heard at the seminar- "Ladies, forever is a long time. If a man can't provide your basic needs in marriage, it is only a matter of time before you start to succumb to unbecoming behaviours to get what you need. Men, don't get married if you are not in a position to financially support the basic needs of your family. No one is asking you to show up with trucks of millions but firstly, a steady income will go a long way. Don't expect you will 'wing it' as time goes on. That hardly ever works! Be financially strong, not so you can lord it over your wife but because God created you to be a provider in the home and a protector. 

God bless you all xoxo

Friday, March 28, 2014

Jealousy is a WASTE of YOUR TIME!!!

I have pondered over jealousy and being judgemental for months now and while sometimes I felt thorns in my side when my conscience attacked me, I felt liberated by some scriptures that helped me realize why indulging in any of these behaviors didn’t spell any disaster for anyone but myself.

Let’s talk about jealousy for a bit…what is jealousy? an aggravated feeling of envy? a dangerous mix of resentment and bitterness that fuels rivalry between two people? I thought about this for a long time and I just had to settle for resentment and bitterness. But why do people get jealous? Most often we get jealous when someone else is doing better than we are. Some of us look at our colleagues and say “Why do I have to work so hard when everything just comes easy for her?” “Why is it that she is so pretty and everyone likes her?” Jealousy sometimes reveals itself in more bitter ways. Person A says to Person B “Jen is so beautiful! I just love spending time with her.” Person B responds “Oh please! There’s nothing special about her, I’ve seen people that are a lot more beautiful”. Yeah i have done that a few times and even watched many of my friends get sucked up in their jealous emotions.

In some cases, jealousy even leads to being judgemental. We say things like “Miss X spent most of her teenage years standing by the roadside and selling her body for money yet she got married to a billionaire that adores her. I have kept myself holy and I have only worshipped God but I can’t even get a decent guy, even an unemployed one to show me some love. How does a prostitute like Miss X get everything when a holy worshipper like me is suffering?”

Discussing Sex With One's Children

Parenthood is such an interesting phase. I sometimes thought my parents were crazy. I didn’t understand their doting and firm nature. It was all too confusing because there were times I could bet they hated me. Now that I am one, I think I understand them better.

We were not allowed out to play with kids that were on our street and that really used to make me sad. I felt like I was being caged and being made to lose out on a big portion of my childhood. In a gathering, it was easy to spot me and my siblings; we were quite stuck up and awkward around other people. We watch out for our mum or dad’s eyes whenever we were offered anything to get their approval on whether it was wrong or right to accept it.
The relationship I had with my mum was one of total fear in the early years, I tried very much not to be in her bad books because I hated being tongue lashed or caned. As I grew up, something changed, my mum became friendlier. She wanted to meet my friends and also wanted to know more about the things I considered right or wrong. In the mornings, she stopped by my room for tea and girly chats. I saw past the fearful mum I used to know, we talked about anything and everything. She gave me my first lectures on sex (I never thought the day would come when my no nonsense mum was going to acknowledge the subject of sex and find it necessary to talk about it, she probably figured I was never going to ask her).

I found it awkward when she started but I warmed up to the advice she gave. Looking back now, I am grateful we had that talk. My hormones were raging then and much as I was scared, I wanted to try many things. Her voice in my head was all the check I needed. She never even gave me the choices of condoms or pills. My mum was too traditional for that. Her advice was for me to abstain from it.

That might have been over a decade away but the situation is still same way. Many parents find it difficult to discuss sex with their children especially African parents.

 Talking to a child about sex is not immoral. It doesn’t make sense to assume children would naturally understand and choose to be responsible on their own without necessary guidance.

An 18 year old started living with me recently and I noticed how sexually aware she has become. She gazes into the space and smiles at random times. I needed not be told what she was about because I had been there before. Before summoning up the courage to talk to her, many things crossed my mind. I wondered if she was not past the age when I could scare her about men’s intentions, I also wondered if I was supposed to call her and talk to her without mincing words like my mum did.  I also knew I had to bear in mind that her upbringing was different from mine. I summed up the courage and talked to her anyway even though I felt the talk was late.

Is there an age to talk to a child about sex?  Some kids grow faster than other kids. The answer to that question should be that one ought to be ready with answers whenever the kids ask or soon as one notices anything that makes it necessary to address it (Note that the talk about sex here is different from talking about sexuality). Try not to beat around the bush in giving your suggestions and don't talk down at your child when talking about sex.

Help them see reasons to wait for the right time and discuss consequences with them.

Praying and committing one’s children in God’s hands also stands for something. If a child is genuinely saved in Christ, he /she knows that fornication is a no go area.

Above all, in whatever one does, one has to make oneself accessible to the kids so that they would be able to talk to one about matters they need clarity on.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Take a Dose of Hope Today

I'd like to think everyone goes through a tough time and has those "where is my life heading?" moments when it seems like life has simply conspired to kick you while you are on the floor. I know I have them when an expectation is cut short or I feel stuck in the middle of Egypt and the red sea but for some reason, can't seem to part the sea with my prayers and walk on dry ground. This is not because prayer doesn't work but when I am on the brink of the despondency pit, I struggle very hard to pray!It seems like opening my mouth to even even say "Lord Jesus" is a waste of my time- That was me for a few years until two years ago, I found what I call the 'Hope pill'.

No, it's not a new fancy medication from the coastal islands nor is it some psychological practice I was taught by my friends when they worried about how thin and scrawny I had become from worrying. It's a beautiful chapter in the bible that lifted my spirits the first day I read it and has never failed to do so since then.

Some people call Psalm 37 the trust manual..."trust in the Lord", "Commit your ways to the Lord". I smile at such people and wonder in my head "what came first? the chicken or the egg?" To me Psalm 37 is the description of God's faithfulness! Can I trust God if I don't know for sure that He defends the defenceless, He's a father to orphans, a provider for those in hunger, a shining light to those wandering blindly in darkness? I trust God because He is faithful and psalm 37 makes this perfectly clear! 

"Once I was young and now I am old; I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread." (psalm 37:25). 

Am I the only one that feels like that statement just sums it all up?! God is ever faithful even when you are wallowing in your depression. Of course life is hard; I know I have taken a few knocks of disappointment and a few blows that kept me on the ground for longer than I though possible but since I read psalm 37, my life changed! Before I came across this bible passage, I used to wonder if a godly life was worth living; I mean I've been breaking my back for years and trying as much as possible to live right but for some reason, I don't get everything I pray for, and mind you, the things I don't often get are the things that are most important to me - a better paying job, a better car, more money at the end of my month and not the other way round... etc. I even compared myself to other people that seemed to have everything just fall into their laps and say "God, that's so unfair. You know I need this more than she does; what am I doing wrong?" Well, no more!

Psalm 37 has pointed it out to me very clearly that God is ever faithful; all I need to do is trust him, believe in him, love him and worship in his presence! After every part that says "trust in the Lord..." "Commit to the Lord..." the sentence that follows says "He WILL..." not "he might" or "We'll see if he will consider." It says for sure that He WILL give you your heart's desires. Of course he won't stop with you, He will bless your children too. Now that I look back, I smile at the many times God saved me from doom webs I spun with my own hands. These days, when something doesn't work out the way I want or when I want, I close my eyes and say knowingly "He's Able!" I even get Deitrick Haddon on my iPod to sing along with me. "God is able to do just what He says he'd do. He's gonna fulfill every promise to you. DON'T GIVE UP on God 'cause He won't give up on you. HE'S ABLE!" 

If you are on the brink of despondency, know that when God takes you to the edge of a cliff, only two things can happen- He will catch you if you fall or He will teach you how to fly! So don't despair, take a dose of hope from psalm 37 everyday, as many times as you want to! God bless you!

Never Left Alone

I had just finished reading the daily devotional I get in my email everyday when the rain started. I listened to the rain as it spattered on the roof, the sound was almost rhythmical, and it was therapeutic too. I was rejuvenated from within and although I said no word to anyone inside me was a church. I was trying hard to contain myself. It was one of those times of self realisation.

The excitement one feels when a verse or chapter one has read many times over bears a new meaning. It was like a scale dropped off my eyes and a heavy log rolled off my chest. I couldn’t see the shadows anymore, I was more conscious of the light that cast the shadows.


We all go through things in our lives that make us question the fairness of God. Many times we hear people ask why bad things happen to good people. There is this man of God from my childhood that I respected a lot; I saw him as very upright and just in his ways. He inspired me a lot with his zeal for Christ. I was told he has been suffering from liver problem for a while.

He was said to be in a lot of pain and I wondered why God would allow him go through that. I haven’t seen him since the illness started but I suppose he would still make a joke out of it. My dad told me he was the one calming him and the others that went to see him down.

I don’t blame them, they couldn’t see past his situation.  They probably wondered why God ‘left him alone’ to suffer but that is not his end.
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed for his compassion never fails.               Lamentations 3:22

This verse is my verse of the season. I am grateful to know I am never going to be left alone. We are never left alone. He sees and He would see us through.

I heard a sermon once about God’s goodness and I was touched to hear the comparison with my earthly parents and I know that as deeply as they love me, the love of God is in no way comparable. It is true we would go through hard times but we are certain we will be okay. The recognition of the depth of God’s love for us gives us the ability to look past our situations and be calm.

Daniel and his friends in the bible were thrown in a very hot furnace. That must have been really tough. Those watching would have thought it would be their end but God is not one who deserts His own. He brought them out of the fire unscarred.

It is hard to tell people facing adversities that it is well when things don’t look well but really, it is well.
In the words of the author of the devotional I read, ‘it is not ok but I am ok’.
Whatever your situation might be, always remember that God’s compassion never fails. He knows what you are going through and He is there with you.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Dear absent parents, society needs you

Are you reading the title of this post and raising youir eyebrows? 'What does she mean by the role absent parents play? They are absent for goodness' sake!' Yes I know that but absent or not, these parents are playing a major role in how society is evolving.

It is not uncommon to find single mothers these days; if anything at all, being a single mother is tending towards a fashionable trend everyone wants to take part in. Many young ladies are caught in the single mother web, not because the father of their child passed away in a fatal accident; on the contrary, he's somewhere at the other end of the same city or in a different state, simply living his life with no inclination whatsoever to be a part of his child's life. Just like there are single mothers, there are single fathers too; fathers that have had the unfortunate experience of impregnating the 'wrong girl' who in the end decides motherhood is not her cup of tea and would rather go back to the good old days when she did not have a child whining on her back.

What many absent parents don't know is that they are shaping their next generation; when I was younger, my elder sister always said to me "little raindrops make a mighty ocean." As a child, I related that statement soley to water and how little rain drops became floods in our neighbourhood; but now that I am all grown, I interpreted that statement to mean  little contributions (positive or negative), given in by many, can have huge impacts! I think these days, many parents fail to realize they are the mirrors through which their children first see the world. The chances of your child emulating your lifestyle is higher than you may think!

Single mothers are now everywhere; like I said earlier, the trend is beginning to border on fashionable. Sometimes, I hear ladies say "My mother was a single mother; I can be one too. It's no big deal." HUH???!! Of course it is a big deal! Raising a son who has no good father figure to emulate or a daughter who believes it's ok to have a child out of wedlock and just keep dating whoever comes her way is not the way society should be groomed.

Absent fathers or mothers are raising the next generation to believe it's ok to not be a part of your child's life! Yes, you can create this beautiful miracle but you don't have to be there to nurture it. It's ok to avoid commitment at all costs; it's ok to believe you can create a mess and someone else will clean it up. The fear of responsibility is constantly growing amongst youth today; the fear of commitment, incredibly low self-esteem due to lack of love from a father or mother figure and above all the 'I can do whatever I please and not deal with the consequences' attitude is on the rise!

Dear absent fathers and mothers, it's time to look back to your 'miracles' and play your role in their lives. You may not live together, you may not see each other everyday of the week but take up your role as a parent and show your child the love he or she deserves! Point them in the right direction, make them realize that you made a mistake and it's definitely not ok for them to head down the same path! Dare your child to be different from you and above all, prove you are different from the former you who walked away from your responsibilities. This is a plea; society needs your help to re-program the youth of today who are hell bent on trodding the same path you walked. Society needs your positive contributions to reshape it's already deformed structure. It is sad that marriage is now a joke and divorce is a word uttered without even a cringe. Everyone wants to be alone; "my dad walked away from my mum, so can I" "My mum raised me all by herself, I intend to do the same."

It's time for you to make them know, that's not the way God intended it to be. xoxo

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Encouraging Your Child's Dream- Brooke Cooney

Encouraging Your Child's Dreams
I would love for this story to be about me, a mom who chose to encourage her child’s big dream, but it isn’t. This is a story about a little girl with a dream, and a daddy who chose to encourage her.
Each year, at Christmas, we allow the children to choose items from the Gospel for Asia’s (GFA) Christmas Catalog. They choose from gifts such as farm animals, warm blankets, gospel tracks, or even a water buffalo! Last Christmas, our daughter noticed the Jesus Well in the catalog and started asking questions. We explained to her how many people in the world don’t have access to clean water and that GFA builds wells for such people while simultaneously sharing the gospel.

She was hooked.

“I want to raise money to build a Jesus Well,” she declared. We explained that the cost for one well was one thousand dollars but encouraged her to start raising money if she was committed to the project.

“I’ll tell you what. Whatever money of your own that you donate to the Jesus Well, I will match it; dollar for dollar.” With that one statement, my husband invested in our daughter’s goal. He had given her incentive to not only raise the funds, but give of her own savings as well.

The fundraising started out very slowly, and we were a little fearful that the project would lose its momentum, or, worse, never get off the ground. She was giving very little money of her own, and she wasn’t asking for support from others either. The turning point came in February when birthday money started coming in. First she gave ten, next two, then five more dollars. Soon after, she pulled cash from every stashed corner of her room and emptied her piggy bank at lightning speed. Our son emptied a little of his piggy bank daily at nap time and with open hand and charming smile offered, “Here, this is money for your Jesus Well.” Our daughter began to tell almost everyone we met, “I am raising money to build a Jesus Well.”

She witnessed the cash bag growing thicker and thicker and knew her dream was becoming more of a reality. My husband was matching her donations; even those that relatives gave her. However, the real motivator came when he drew a thermometer chart with increments of one-hundred marked off. He marked a line that represented the three-hundred dollars that had been collected and allowed her to color it with a red marker. Next, we posted the drawing in a prominent spot on the refrigerator. The visualization of her approaching goal became a huge motivator.

As if matching donations and drawing a chart wasn’t enough, my husband started publicizing our daughter’s goal. He took a picture of her and posted it to his Facebook page with a quick blurb about her goal. That Sunday, the children’s preschool director gave her a donation for the Jesus Well because of what she had seen on Facebook. She also encouraged our daughter to raise funds within the preschool department to help meet her goal and to raise awareness of the clean water problem throughout the world. A volunteer went so far as to build a cardboard replica of the Jesus Well to provide a visual for the children to drop their well offerings in!

One anonymous couple left a typed note and donation of one hundred dollars stating that they wanted to give to our daughter’s Jesus Well and encouraged her in her efforts. They signed it, “From your big brother and sister in Christ.”

I wish I could have bottled the precious look of excitement on her face when she listened as the note was read and as she colored more on her donation chart. The Body of Christ was encouraging one of its younger members in the call of Jesus to give to the poor and spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.

From that point on, more and more big brothers and sisters in Christ have stopped either our daughter or me on Sunday mornings and have given us cash donations. Children are telling their parents that they “want to help people in other countries get clean water.”

Both of our children’s piggy banks have primarily been emptied as they have given and then given some more to the cause.

The takeaway lesson is this: children have big, but achievable goals. We as parents and big brothers and sisters in Christ have the privilege and responsibility of encouraging and assisting them in meeting their God-given goals.

What child has God placed in your life to encourage and equip to meet the good works He has prepared in advance for them to do? (Ephesians 2:10) It may surprise you how little is required to make an everlasting difference. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Bullying: A Parent's Concern

Seems to me like yesterday when I wondered if my daughter was going to be able to latch on well in order to be well fed by me. A couple of months down the line and my worries took a new turn, I was teaching her how to sit without support, I got worried anytime she leaned back and pushed her body back to the sleeping position which automatically had her laying with her back to the floor like she was never going to understand bums were meant for sitting. I watched her yesterday trying to get on all fours and I had to agree within myself that time really does play its part.

It’s funny how I find new things for myself to worry about. If I share some of my thoughts with you, I bet you’d call me crazy. I feel like she needs some extra protection more because she is a girl. We all pray for our kids not to fall victims of abuses whatever kind but who do we blame when they do? Do we sit and rummage through bunches of shouldas and couldas?

I was watching the TV yesterday and there was this story about an eight year old child of mixed race. She desired long hair so her grandma paid for her to get hair extensions, the other kids in school called her names and pulled at her hair till her scalp peeled with the hair. The damage done was so bad that some doctors think she might have to wear a wig all her life. in solidarity members of her family and friends shaved their hair to show their love for her. I was touched and you all would agree that as bad as her case might be, some have it worse. Some of these kinds of stories end in death.

Bullying doesn’t necessarily have to be physical; there is also the emotional aspect of it. Even if the kid(s) that bully(s) another kid is punished, atimes the damage caused is almost irreparable.

I remember complaining to my mum about a kid beating me up in school; she spanked me and told me that I should learn to stand up for myself next time. I was an easy prey with my slim stature and not so regular face. My mum was and still is my greatest cheerleader. She taught me to hold my own and build my confidence. Despite looking really awkward, I was Giselle to my mum. It was a matter of time and I was able to stand before my then oppressors. Because she helped me see who I could be and I discovered I didn’t need the yeses of the school’s bullies. I still try hard to understand how innocent looking kids could be so full of bile. 
 Times have changed since my time but the situation is still the same.

I hope to apply my mum’s tactics if ever faced with same situation, I’ll probably do mine without the spanking J. It is always good when one creates an atmosphere where one’s child finds one easy to relate with, that way, one is kept informed of happenings in the life of one’s child(s). as parents, we owe our kids utmost protection.

Parents should also take it upon themselves to raise kids with good values, if parents play their parts well, the issue of bullying will be reduced. Kids mirror the homes they are brought up in.

For other ways one can protect one's child;

I stumbled on some beautiful tips while writing this and you can check them out here

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Marriage Formula We All Got Wrong (2)

"Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord; for the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church"...."Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".

I call those two instructions the marriage formula; it encompasses a whole lot of things ranging from unconditional love to respect in every way. In my last post, I dealt with the submission issue as it relates to wives but in this post, I want to speak to the men. Yes, women should submit but many men seem to have misunderstood the meaning of submission. 

Many men believe submission by their wives mean the dynamics of marriage should be that of a master-servant relationship. How wrong are they?! Submission doesn't mean your wife is a robot or a piece of appliance installed in your home, set to do whatever you say whenever you say it. She is a woman, a human, someone you ought to love unconditionally. I hear many men, in the church complaining about their wives having an opiniomn on matters that pertain to the family or getting upset when they make life-changing decisions without consulting her; my question to them is always "what do you expect?" As much as a man is the head of the family, it does not mean he has to discard all forms of respect for his wife. It doesn't mean he can take decisions without discussing with her. He is the head, yes! but also remember that God created woman to be a helper, and a partner! She wasn't created from the feet to be trampled upon or from the head to lord her opinion over her husband; she was created from man's side to be his helper, his partner, someone he can nurture and love just like he loves himself! Sometimes, I wonder why so many married men have no respect for their wives. They chase other skirts and are not in any way bothered if the Mrs find out. So sad because she was createdto help you, yet you act like you are the one doing her a favour. Our society definitely needs psychological restructuring and spiritual cleansing.

The second issue with the part of the formula that applies to husbands comes in form of a question; "how many men these days are worth submitting to?"

An old lady once said to me "Never in history have I heard of or seen so many lazy young men!" These days, women struggle to submit because many men lack the qualities of a leader. Can I jump into a car with a man that doesn't know where he's heading and doesn't have a GPS device to help? NO! Because no matter how much I'd love to spend time with him, I don't want to get lost. The same applies in our world today; many men are content with either taking the easy way out to achieve shortlived success or they are content with taking the back seat while the woman breaks her back to keep the family intact; abuse is on the rise in society today; many men pummel their wives till some of them slip into coma because they are too immature to control their temper tantrums! And of course many men cheat and say "It's all part of being a man". It is very sad that these same men expect women that have preserved themselves, worked hard to achieve their goals and are still working hard to reach greater heights to submit in marriage! How will that work?

Dear young men, it is time to take a look at yourselves; many of you are scared of commitment and would rather go around hurting the women that care about you. Many of you believe hitting a woman will make her realize you are the head of the family; raining abuses on her and reminding everyday of how you are doing her a favour by being with her. How does any of this describe love?

"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church"- unconditionally, respectfully, without abuse, without cheating or playing her for a fool, preserving her dignity even in her absence by letting everyone know she is the queen of your heart. 

It is such an easy formula to make marriages work, yet divorces amongst christians are on the rise everyday. I pray God touches the marriages on the verge of breaking and heal the hearts that have been broken and trampled on in marriage. xoxo

Monday, March 17, 2014

The Marriage Formula We All Got Wrong

Someone said to me on saturday; "every issue we face in life now has been dealt with in the bible". She is right; everything we need to know as christians has been addressed in the bible. One of the key areas we fail at in spite of having this life manual at our disposal is marriage. The formula for a successful marriage is in the bible (Ephesians 5:21-31) but for some reason, we seem to have completely missed the point. 

"Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord; for the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church"...."Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".

Two simple instructions- wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives. I'll deal with the submission issue first

Society has ruined us; these days we imbibe cultures and ideals that are not of God; these days, there are many women who are unwilling to submit and even the mention of the word either makes them cringe or makes them want to shout the house down! "Why on earth should I submit?! Everything I have, I acquired on my own." Yeah, it is clear we do not understand the meaning of submission, probably because its meaning has been so stretched, it's now a synonym for slavery, stupidity and total idiocy.

Submission in marriage doesn't mean a woman should be totally incapable of being her own person; it means being able to realize that she has someone she reports to- her husband; he is the head. She should not make decisions without consulting him, she should not act like a sheep with no shepherd. A submissive woman is not synonymous to a robotic wife; on the contrary, a submissive woman has her own ideas but she discusses them with her husband first rather than going over his head with the "afterall, it's my money or it's my life" attitude. Yes, it's your life and your money but when you say "I do", you give up the 'I' for 'our'.

A submissive wife lets her husband care for her needs; she doesn't emasculate him emotionally, physically or financially. No matter how little he earns, let him care for you! Don't take up his role. Men are partly to blame for this and I intend to address it in my next post when I deal with the second part of the formula. Where I live,many of the women do it all on their own; they are self-sufficient and they don't need any man! That has led to many emasculated men walking the streets with no sense of responsibility whatsoever; women have taken the roles as the heads of families, and are so self-sufficient, the thought of a man looking after them is just unthinkable! "Who does he think he is? I don't need him". If you feel that way, don't get married.

A friend of mine once said "even though I earn more than my husband, I let him look after the basics in our family. I'm not a wicked wife; I just know he needs to feel he can take care of his woman no matter what." At first I thought to myself "what a merciless wife she must be" but as I grew older, I realized she was submitting, making her man know he is the head and he is responsible for her! He is the bride-groom- grooming his bride, caring for her and loving her the way one would care for a priced possession (I use the word possession here loosely).

Submission doesn't mean you should be a stepford wife; by all means, be assertive, voice your opinions, argue, have a debate with your husband, make him see reason when you know his way won't work but remember in all of this, respect plays a bigger role than love. xoxo

Friday, March 14, 2014

Age.... What's the Big Deal Anyway?

"Age is just a number".....I'm beginning to think I don't believe in that statement wholeheartedly given my reaction when one of my buddies told me she met a guy and she likes him bla bla...she went on to give me the basics- he lives at 'this place', works at 'that place', he's unmarried ...and then she dropped a bombshell.. he's 17 years older.

My first words were "Oh?!" accompanied by raised eyebrows and I fought the urge to say anything to hurt her feelings or burst out in laughter. You see, in my head, I had a picture of someone that had already graduated from high school the day she was born; why on earth didn't he go for one of his mates after all these years? Like she hadn't shocked me enough, she went on to say "i don't think it's a big deal, one of our friends is dating a guy that is 16 years older". That is when I let the laughter rip! Thank goodness she also thought it was hilarious; else I'll be in the dog box now.

What is the big deal with age? Should it be a determining factor in relationships? According to many people I know- It's all relative. It is subjective. It depends on the two people involved. I spent some time after my hilarious chat with my buddy, thinking about the age factor and why many women seem to find happiness in the arms of 'older' men. Is there no satisfaction in dating young men anymore? 

Well, these days, it seems roles are switching; young women are becoming more educated, more career-driven, more inclined towards leadership positions and aspiring for great things; on the other hand, many young men these days are *clearing my throat* not so inspired. There's an increase in the number of male couch potatoes; it is most common where I live that the women work while the men drink and play games. In addition to that, it seems maturity is increasingly on the side of the ladies these days; like I put it to a friend of men, "the emotional maturity of many young men is only as long and wide as a teaspoon". I may be wrong but it sure seems like it. Could this be the reason why many women find comfort and peace with much older men? Most likely. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Five Things You Should Know Before You Say 'I Do'

  1. Respect your husband always; he is the head of the family, let him be the head.
  2. Don’t ‘carry’ your lawyer attitude into your marriage; everything is not to be argued.
  3. Prepare his food on time and make sure you provide him with all the support he deserves. 
  4. Don’t call in strangers before you settle issues concerning both of you.
  5. Above all, always forgive.
These are part of the things I was told when I was about getting married. I discovered however that as the days go by, there are always more lessons to learn.

Allow me share with you what they probably missed;

People have dominant and recessive personalities. Before you said I do, you’re probably more familiar with the sweet- can’t- hurt –a- fly- in-the- world- partner. Well, hate to bust your bubbles, you would discover your partner also has nerves that can be stepped on. Meaning you might witness your partner’s rage or anger that you probably haven’t seen before. You might find out that the OCD feature that you used to really admire can also be very annoying. Her very confident attitude could pass her off as proud atimes and that bluntness you so admired; you might be the object of it. 

Your ever glowing fiancé might have depression issues too. Bear this in mind and remember to always focus on the positive because nobody is perfect.
  • Forget the myth that Love would make him or her change. Habits really die hard and if your soon to be spouse has one you find appalling but hoping to change, you might want to rethink your choice. Now, I sound like a pessimist. Truthfully if they are habits that might cause a strain in your relationship, you need to discuss it. Frequent fights might make married life unbearable for you if you don’t handle the situation.
  • How much of your partner do you know? How much does your partner know you? Good surprises are awesome but no one is a fan of bad surprises. Have you met his/her friends? There is a saying that goes ‘show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’; we are the company we keep. If his friends are jerks, there is an eighty percent chance he is also a jerk. Imagine getting to know at a later time that one’s spouse is a murderer who broke jail. Ok, that’s dramatic but people really have skeletons like kids from past relationships, family feuds and the likes. It could even be a medical surprise like being sterile or having a rare blood group or genotype. Be sure not to be so blinded by love so as not to make the necessary enquiries. Ask questions on things that are unclear to you. Marriage is too lifelong not to be prepared.
  • It is true you met your partner and you had a great connection, one thing you should bear in mind is that your backgrounds are probably different. Some people grow up in very loving families while some are coming from a place of abuse and emotional torture. You need to understand this and be sensitive when dealing with some issues. 
  • Respect your partner’s space; you need to understand that alone times are needed sometimes. Much as two has really become one, there is still the place of self. Marriage doesn’t mean losing one’s identity. Don’t be too needy or clingy. 
Marriages have their fair share of drama and whenever one partner hurts the other, remember there is no end to how much you ought to forgive each other.

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