Wednesday, May 27, 2015

For Married Couples: 6 Ways To Rejuvenate Your Sex Life

Sex is deeply overrated – or not.
We talk about sex in hush tones like it is something forbidden. It was refreshing reading Demi’s post on embracing lust and I couldn’t agree more.

The importance of sex can’t be overemphasized. A study shows that many men prioritize sexual satisfaction in their marriages. Meaning a sexually satisfied man is a happy man. While some might want to argue that men are the only ones that enjoy sex, truth is women do too. So, a sexually satisfied couple is a happy couple.

You’d be surprised however at how awfully dissatisfying the sex life of many married couples are. I have discovered from listening to people’s stories and reading several articles that this has nothing to do with losing interest in one’s spouse. It just degenerates to a routinely chore due to the way it is approached by some couples . Our fast moving society with her many responsibilities weighs on one's mood some times and takes the desire away. Kids come and taking care of them can be very demanding or you might feel it doesn’t hold any surprises any longer. Whatever the reason might be, if not checked, it could lead to a major problem.

If sex in your marriage has become so boring, you could try some of the things listed below to tweak things a bit.

Never stop dating: Reality actually make some things look better in print but believe me it is workable. You just need to make conscious effort. Let the kids stay over at a family/friend’s house or have a minder over for a few hours while you go out to do something fun together every other week depending on your schedule. This is just so you stay in each other’s consciousness away from the distractions from work or home. Creating this atmosphere can create a longing that could otherwise be forgotten. You get to be reminded of all the reasons you fell in love and at the same time keep your feelings fresh.

Build your spouse’s imaginations: Talk dirty sometimes. There are very minimal rules to sex between married couples. It doesn’t get dirtier than sex and it doesn’t get more intimate than it. It is meant to be enjoyed.  You can stimulate your partner’s senses by telling them what you’d want to do to them. Flirt with yourselves over the phone. Just break the norm. Sexting is however not advised because the internet might cause other people to have access to your pictures without you knowing.

Stop making sex business like: I watched a movie and the woman in the movie said she and her husband have sex on Thursdays. That just spells BORING. What’s wrong with spontaneity? If the urge comes on a Tuesday, go for it. I know some therapists advice for one to have set dates in order to have frequent sex for couples that completely forget its importance and also for something to look forward to but I dare say it could become boring treating it like a chore. It is alright not to have sex as often as the media preaches, what matters is maintaining a good connection.

Be Creative: This doesn't literally translate to you trying dangerous and extreme things or engaging in freaky sinful acts. You just need to think out of the box. Sex doesn't necessarily have to be a monotonous act confined to just your matrimonial bed. Try other rooms. G need not always be the usual.et some nice underwears and douse yourself in nice smelling colognes. It

Soak yourself in the moment and Let go: Sex is a form of communication. It need not be rushed all the time. Lay in your partner’s arms and let things take their natural course. Talk about what turns you on and try and meet each other’s needs. Let his body speak to yours and answer the call hers speak. Just enjoy being vulnerable and let go. That way the memory stays in your head and creates the right kind of longing for your partner.

Be open and considerate:  Don’t be about yourself alone. It is highly necessary for you to be as devoted to your spouse’s satisfaction as they are to yours. Remember it is a two way thing, it is much about your need as well as your spouse’s. Don’t be shy to discuss what works and what doesn’t. You are in it together remember?

Don't let yourself go: Some experts advise for women to do regular kegel exercises to strengthen the muscles of their pelvic floor. Don’t forget the place of staying attractive. Stay desirable. You can savage your marriage by making conscious efforts. Don’t wait till things get out of hand.

Every one has different things that work for them, just find your own mojo .

God bless your homes.







Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Beware of the Traumatised Partner!

Sometimes in the quest for a suitable partner, many of us are willing to overlook the bad past of our potential partners and try to forge a future ahead with them. It is a very endearing and should I say noble thing to do but sometimes, it is important to watch out for the traits of s traumatized partner.

There is no doubt many individuals make key mistakes when they are choosing partners early in life, however some of them do not get over the trauma they experience from these early relationships. We may deny it but in some way, our experiences shape who we turn out to be. Some people are able to take the important lessons out of their bad experiences and simply move on, while others are just stuck to the fact that they were played or 'taken for a ride', and subconsciously start seeking revenge on any subsequent partners they have.
 

One key trait of the traumatized partner is the fact that they tend to compare their current partners with the ex who hurt them, and are quick to react to any behavioral traits that believe bore any similarity to the 'hell' they went through in the past. Another trait is unnecessary defensive-ness. Being defensive is hardly ever necessary, but there are times when it is just totally ridiculous! Traumatized partners are quick to defend themselves even when they are not being attacked and they tend to kill flies with a sledge hammer. Every issue is a big deal, all because they want to ensure they are not taken for a ride a second time. 

Of course there is a thin line between discerning if history is about to repeat itself and if a person is simply being quirky. Traumatized partners tend to blur such lines and generally tend to assume at every point in time that history is about to repeat itself. 

To get over the trauma of past relationships requires a lot of deliberate actions.. If you want to be stop letting your bad past experiences hurt your present/future, start by deliberately choosing to understand that no two people are entirely the same, and what you see as an attack may be simply an innocent gesture that was not intended to offend you. Start by thinking and feeling positive. XOXO

What A Woman Can Do , A Man Can Do Too

I saw a post on one of the popular blogs today and it brought back some memories. 
My mum runs a restaurant and people attest to how much of a great cook she is. I didn’t even know her cooking was that good till I left home for boarding school. It felt like a huge conspiracy having to settle for the food served in the dining hall, you know like someone was trying to teach me to be grateful in a really tough way. I am not even going to get started on how stony the rice could be or how watery the beans and stew was. Visiting days meant seeing my mum and more importantly I get to redeem my taste bud from all the other torturous food I had had to endure.
I toyed with the idea I was probably a good cook too by mixing sardines/geisha with ground pepper to be taken with half boiled water garri. Those days were the real test I tell you.

My siblings and I are quite close in age so it meant chores were apportioned equally whenever we were at home. Washing plates was my least favourite thing and I guess my siblings’ too. I laugh now whenever I remember how much of a big deal we made over washing plates when I was much younger. One of us washed the plates, another rinsed while another drained the plates. You needed to have seen how everyone involved was expected to take each of those aspects really seriously. In fact we had a roster for it and it was strictly adhered too.

There were really no gender based chores as my younger brothers took equal parts in all we did. Preparation of food was however left to my mum and at very rare times, my sister. Nobody had any culinary expectation from me and I never tried. I guess I made up for that by being the best toilet cleaner in the house. My abhorrence for kitchen work trailed me into my university days and it took me getting broke over bland meals to retrace my steps.

Looking back now, I am sure I must have been an inferior wife ‘material’ if I were to be judged.

See, the average man just assumes his wife has to be ‘fertile’ (excuse my French), be a super cook, a great cleaner and definitely not a club hopper. Some women wouldn’t agree but most women get groomed to step into these shoes of societal expectation and no one wants to fall short.

These expectations were treated like that was the whole essence of a woman. I recall a male colleague of mine saying he doesn’t like staying on his own because there is no one to wait on him like his sisters did. He lamented about having to mop the floor of his own house and having to fix his ‘own’ meals.

I try not to be sucked into the gender bashing debate but hearing him talk struck a nerve.

Household chores need not be gender based. Couples are just supposed to enjoy peaceful co-dependence and existence. If I am shopping, my husband shouldn’t mind babysitting. I had a neighbor that backed his babies whenever they cried to pacify them while his wife cooked. Some very cultural people might have found it weird but there is nothing wrong with a man helping out too.

My cousin’s dad is always in charge of cooking whenever I visited. I change the light bulbs if I have to, I even wash my car if I have to.

Women are great jugglers but they get tired too. Let the ones in your lives know you appreciate them by doing your bit around the house.

However, let wisdom be your guide in all things. It makes no sense concentrating on your partner’s weak areas while ignoring all the other things they do right. If you feel your spouse needs to step up in some areas, communicate it nicely.

Have a great day.


Photo Credit: business.time.com




Saturday, May 23, 2015

Getting Married: How Important Is Parental Consent?

Segun met Sade.
Segun proposed his love for Sade.
Sade feels same way.
Sade marries Segun.
Segun and Sade live happily ever after.
Who are we kidding? Relationships are never that easy. There are always complicated knots and unrehearsed twists to give the stories totally different endings.
Many of us love to think of ourselves as very independent especially when it comes to decision making but circumstances has since shown this is not totally true.
Our decisions are products of what we think divided by what our immediate family thinks multiplied by public opinion.
A friend once told me she wasn’t going to marry a guy she was in a relationship with for a number of years because she is sure her parents wouldn’t accept him.
My question is how involved should parents be in helping their children choose their spouses. Should they even be involved at all? Does it matter whatever it is they think?

The bible reminds us how important it is for us to honor our parents. It is in fact a prerequisite to long-life. It is no gainsaying that getting one’s parents blessings is very important before getting married. Even our customary law gives credence to this. So, marriage surpasses just being in love with someone else. There is the part of making a great impression on the parents and making them accept the union.

I have always been close to my parents, and I would be lying through my teeth if I say they never influenced my choice in choosing my spouse. They were not forceful but their voices were ever present in my head to guide me. When I finally said yes, I know they both took time to find out about my husband’s family. My husband understood just how important it was for him to make the right impression on my family too. It mattered to my parents that he was responsible enough to assume the role of my husband.
 Same also went for me, his mum despite taking a special liking in me quizzed me hard on why I think her son is the one. I must have passed because so far there has been a peaceful coexistence between us and among members of our extended family.

Does it matter that they gave their blessings?
The answer is yes.
There are so many hurdles to cross in marriage that you would be glad if you don’t have to add the hurdle of parental grievance.

Five Signs You Have Not Moved On

It is so easy to tell people to move on; as a matter of fact, it seems to be the constant one-stop solution to every relationship that has gone awry. I'm a big fan of the 'moving on' sermon; I really do not think anyone should let anything get them down. However, I am disturned by what many people believe moving on is all about. 

I was in a relationship that ended very badly, and two months down the line, my ex called me to ask if I have moved on. My response was a cool yes; his follow-up question was "who are you seeing now?" My response? Nobody...and that set him off into fits of laughter. I laughed too because his myopic understanding of the term 'moving on' really cracked me up. The fact that I could laugh about it was my first epiphany that I wasn't just saying I'd moved on but Ireally had. From then on, I started to take notes about my reaction towards him or even the mention of his name, and from that extrapolated behavioural traits of individuals who are yet to move on from a broken relationship.

You Can't Stop Talking About Your Ex: This is probably the biggest sign you have not moved on from a broken relationship. If you can't stop talking about your ex, or you subconsciously make examples that refer to him/her, or you mention his/her name more times in a sentence than you can count, then you have definitely not moved on! It does not matter if you talk about your ex in residual admiration or even in burning anger, the fact that your ex still resides in your head is a sign that you have not moved on... which leads to my next point

You're Still Angry With Your Ex: Anger can last for as long as you want it to, and the fact that you're angry with a person is evidence that you have not moved on. Anger is an emotion, a show of non-closure, and evidence of being stuck in a tango with someone who probably does not want to dance. If you are still angry with your ex, you are yet to move on. It may sound cold and harsh, but moving on means you become indifferent to your ex. It doesn't matter if he or she grows a third leg or does cart wheels in your presence, you become indifferent. That indifference is a mental space you create in your head, and fill with things or people you like. Without clearing out that space mentally, your ex will continue to reside in your head.

You Care About What Your Ex is Up To: And really, you shouldn't. Yes, he left you for a hotter girl, or she dumped you for a richer man. You should mourn the relationship, bury it, let sleeping dogs lie and let it go day by day. It is not easy; as a matter of fact, during the period of mourning a relationship, you get to learn your emotional weaknesses, and how erroneous your judgements can be when you are in a state of turmoil. Once you get past that stage however, you are home-free and shouldn't care what your ex is up to. Stop asking his friends about him, and if you can, stop hanging out with his friends if they are not your friends. This is not to say it won't hurt you to know you has achieved a milestone without you, especailly if it is something you'dboth planned together, but you must be willing to let it go!

You Stalk Your Ex on Social Media: or call his phone with an anonymous line just to hear his voice. All of these are signs of being stuck in an aimless tango. Hearing your ex's voice will not do you any good, and it will not add anything to you so what exactly is the point? Many people keep tabs on their exes on social media just so they have something to talk about when they re-tell their tale of woes for the umpteenth time to their friends who are forced to listen and reiterate the same reassurances of "deserving better than him" or "getting what's coming to her". Quit the stalking and work on your life. Every pitfall is a chance to improve yourself, and you will not get that done by stalking your ex!

You Still Fantasize About Your Ex... even though you are dating someone else! This often makes for a very good scandal, especially if the ex in question suddenly realizes his or her mistake and decides to return to the picture! Even in the absence of an epiphany of errors made on the part of your ex, fantasizing or comparing your ex to someone new is all evidence of not moving on. People believe moving on is when you meet someone else and start dating. I have been there and I can tell you for sure that's wrong. Moving on is not equal to having someone new! It means letting go and moving on from a situation that sought to break you or made you unhappy, even if you are moving on alone! 

Moving on is more psychological than physical. Having someone hotter or richer by your side does not mean you have moved on, however it may help numb the symptoms until you find yourself out in the cold, and reaching for that ex.

Any signs you'd like to share? Drop a comment. XOXO





























Thursday, May 21, 2015

How To Avoid Raising Monsters

Being a parent is so much deeper than some of us allow ourselves to see. When we complain about how decayed our society is, do we allow ourselves see that the large society is made up of small units of families. Our small unit has a role to play in the larger society and when we don’t get it right within this small unit, the society feels the brunt of our lapses. I am not ignoring the fact that some people are damaged regardless of the upbringing they have but the majority of us are a product of our foundation-the family. When things go wrong within this unit, the problem becomes that of the larger society.
The mandate on parents goes further than providing for their children’s material needs, parents are also saddled with raising kids that will not become societal menaces.

My heart bled when I read a story about how five children killed and buried another child. All I could think of is where did their parents go wrong? How could those children conceive such thoughts and act so savagely? My heart broke even more because that wasn’t the first I have read of such stories. It just says a lot about how fast our society is decaying. I have witnessed how kids taunt themselves and make life miserable for one another. I remembered being in tears while I watched a programme about children’s brutality where kids bullied and pulled another child’s hair till her scalp fell off. The damage done was so bad that the child affected needed major surgery.

Who are those raising these little monsters? It is so disheartening that these ones that are supposed to be the hope of an already diseased world might even be worse than those before them.

The present society imposes lots of responsibility on the individual that it is almost hard to find a balance between family and work. We shamelessly chase after material success, wanting to drive the latest cars and live in the fanciest houses. We leave these kids to be raised by violent video games and movies. We totally forget real wealth lies in the legacy of goodwill we live behind, the true leaders we are able to raise. We neglect our primary call to be examples to this young ones we have birthed.

This is to remind us all what our role is about.
Train up a child in the way he should go so when he grows old , he will not depart from it.We are here to show these kids the way, to set them straight when they get out of control. To teach them to be sensitive to the plight of the less fortunate. We are here to remind them to keep the world warm by their acts of kindness. We are here to make them understand we are all members of a big family and no one is better than the other. We are here to teach them love is the greatest gift of all and that without love, the world would only get colder.

Teach your child the word of God, help him understand the world through God’s words. Teach him to have the fear of the Lord.
I know the situation can still be redeemed. I read of this 5 yr old boy that made his mum buy food for a homeless man and said grace with him. This story gives me hope that all is not totally lost.

We can have a beautiful world if we start by setting things right within our small units and little corners. Be more involved in your child's life.
If you have a particularly troublesome child, commit him or her into God’s hands and I believe such child will be saved.

Have a blessed day.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A New Mum's Diary: School Scouting For A Toddler

I was scouting for a school for my toddler recently and I feel the need to share with you lessons learnt and unlearnt. 
Did I say school? ok, not a school per say but you know one of those glorified crèche with syllabuses, I mean she can barely even say her name audibly. I just think she has outgrown my office daycare with its minimal child educational services. I must have been bitten by the anxiety bug that accompanies raising the first child but I think I have done great so far (see me self adulating. lol ). I am in such a hurry though, you should have seen the look on my face the first time she called me mummy (I am not even allowing the fact that she calls most of my other friends mummy get to me). The way she says it is just so adorable and I am holding on to my belief that she calls me that because she finally understands the role I play in her life. I am sorry I digressed.

One major lesson I learnt while scouting for her school is how important it is for one to be independent minded. People’s opinions are going to be served to you solicited and unsolicited and you will be judged based on your choices. So, you need to have a really thick skin to be able to stand by whatever decision you finally make. I was discussing fees with my husband on the phone when a woman I just met a few minutes before that sounded off on my ‘private’ phone conversation . She had some really strong opinions and I found it hard to keep a straight face , I wanted to ask who she was again but thank God for Jesus I wasn’t sure if I gave I the look though.lol.

I also learnt how important it is for one to cut one’s cloth according to one’s material. See, how I didn’t say according to your size because you might be a really chubby person with just one yard of cloth that might not make a full length dress but will be good enough for a fitted top. Take things easy with yourself and take into consideration the sustainability of whatever decision you make. No one understands your finances like you do, don’t be so caught up in keeping up appearances that you bite more than you can swallow. Some of the schools you find around can be quite expensive but trust me when I say there are decently priced ones with equally great curriculum.

Equally important is that whatever decision you make, Try to keep in mind your child’s emotional needs. It is not enough that you can afford the tuition. You need to be able to afford the average lifestyle of the average pupil so your child is not going to be left out. Let me elaborate on this. There are schools where they organize excursions abroad and other attractions that are not necessarily pocket friendly for everyone. So after scaling the tuition fence, be sure you can afford some of these attractions as that might rub off on your child’s esteem. Before a child that ought to be an extrovert becomes introverted for fear of not sounding cool enough.

Above all, I am one of the most paranoid people around so I desire for a place where great moral values are being taught. I noticed when I walked around a particular school how courteous the kids are. There were lots of please, may I, Ma, Sir used in their sentences and I must confess I was bought on that. They also had inspirational quotes written colorfully at different corners in the school. I loved the positive vibe around the place and I loved that they taught basic Christian values.

My final decision was influenced mainly by the points I shared above. What influenced your decisions? What were the craziest things you were told? Please share.



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