Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Money and Masculinity: Correcting the misconception

There is a general notion that women are simply after money and nothing more. If a man's wallet is fat enough, nothing else  should bother a woman that's lucky to find such a man. Wherever this notion may have come from, it has resulted in many men believing in the power of money much more than they do in the power of respect and love. Comedians stand on stages most times and joke about how men can misbehave as long as they are making enough money. Many men, who are comfortable enough to afford their lifestyle and save a little bit often believe they ought to be in control simply because they have the money and well, can pick up any other girl.

I have a problem with the troubling relationship we as a society have ascribed to masculinity and wealth. There is no denying the fact that some women want all things plastic, all things shiny, and they wouldn't care if their spouse walked on his head and grew a tail. But of course, any good man who's seeking a woman of substance would not entertain 'wallet devourers' as I like to call them. 



How does this relationship between masculinity and money affect relationships you might ask. I have a few pointers: 

Firstly, it builds a society filled with insecure men. The truth is that not every man out there will become a billionaire early in life or ever at all. This is not to say that these men will not be comfortable in their lifestyles, but it will become a problem if they meet women who earn more than they do. It's not a hypothesis; it is very common in society. many men are insecure about their wives working, developing themselves or earning more money. This is because they have ascribed money to masculinity and therefore believe a woman with earning power emasculates them. Of course this is due to a foundation of archaic thoughts that paint women as objects to be collected and ruled, but that's a topic for another day. These days, I see a lot of men with all the fancy things money can buy, yet the moment you put a well-read woman next to them, you'd swear they've been attacked by a swarm of bees.

Secondly, it causes men to avoid their real responsibilities. A man's duty is not solely to provide and protect as many men believe. There is a lot more that goes into being a man, getting married and starting a family. It's not enough to leave your family enough money everyday. Your sons need more than your money; they need your character-building lessons, they need your advice, your rules about life, and your co-operation in helping them become men worthy of emulating. Your daughters need your attention, and your care, to show them how they ought to be treated by men so no Tom, Dick or Harry shows up and takes advantage of them. It is no surprise that we constantly have to deal with so many broken people in society. Broken men break unsuspecting women in the process of trying to find their fathers between women's legs, and of course, many young ladies have what we have termed 'daddy issues'.

A strong focus on money in your relationship often leads to the elimination of respect. Money can give power, there is no doubt about that. And where power resides, there is control. Where there is control, there is no respect, and that is where the problem comes in. Many men want to make more money, not to better the lives of those who look up to and depend on them, but because they fantasize about control, and can't wait to act out their disturbing fantasies. This explains why many women have puffy eyes in their marriages and wet pillows on the beds they sleep alone. 

This is not to say money is not important; being poor is not anyone's desire. The important message here is to realize that money in all its glory and importance, should not be higher on your priority list than the love you have for your partner, your responsibilities (outside financial issues) that you owe your partner, and your character. Don't let money control your character, instead let  money work for you to make your relationship more enjoyable. Don't be so blinded by your money chase, that you fail to see the flaws in your character. Don't make money the focus for driving your relationship. It is a huge misconception that women are only after money and nothing else. A good woman wants your respect, your love and your ability to take responsibility without being told. Money is not equal to masculinity. Don't be fooled. XOXO

Online Dating Guide For Singles

Image result for online datingThe social media is everything these days. We play catch ups and get updated scoops on lives of friends and acquaintances. The line between what obtains there and in the real life has become so blurry. We take our personal businesses there and we expect validation from friends we haven’t seen in ages or those we probably have never met. I am not going to highlight some of the ills without giving credence to its positive effect. Businesses have grown and endless talents are being displayed every day. Some people even find love on it. The video chat apps are so phenomenal, one can almost swear one felt a lover’s touch by how intimate the conversations can get.

A friend of mine was complaining to me about how hard it is to find ready and single men on the streets these days and for lack of a better explanation, I said that is because most of them are chasing after perfect profile pictures and obsessing on presumed personalities of those they meet online. I can’t help my ramblings but I think we need to start acknowledging things for what they really are.

Much as we might want to disagree, the fact still remains that the social media plays a large part in the dating scene of these present time and so for those that are still single, there is nothing wrong with replying that brother’s ‘hello’. If you want him to notice you, like his pics or ‘lol’ at his jokes. Let him take it up from there sister. All these has to be done with moderation though. You don't want him perceiving you as really desperate.

Share interesting posts. It gives an insight into the kind of person you are and you might probably attract someone on the same radar as you are.

Be courteous in your conversations brothers, all those endearing words don't always work. If you truly like her, then come correct like a gentleman.Arrange a meet up in a place where you can make great conversation and see if you can take things from there. It is a circle, don't be thirsting after every great picture you see, you would never be taken seriously that way.

You should know better than to invest your heart without physically meeting whomever you are constantly chatting with. Online profiles don’t hold true sometimes so you need to be careful. Before it gets too serious, try and meet whomever you are chatting with to be sure you are not being deceived.

Much as you might have reached a level of trust before meeting your 'online friend' , you  still need to be mindful of where you choose to meet up. No private places for starters.
  
Application of wisdom is very necessary. You should be mindful so as not to put yourself out there to be preyed upon by wolfs acting like sheep. Don’t go all lovey dovey on a ‘familiar stranger’. Stay guided in your spirit. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right.

That said, don't be too stiff, love lives in strange places ,yours might just be a click away.






Monday, March 2, 2015

Five Basic Things You Need To Know To Help Your Relationship Grow

Happy New Month everyone and I ask again, where are you with those resolutions? I have noticed we all work better when we find someone that reminds us of our goals especially when we are sleeping on it. So, let’s assume I am that alarm clock that keeps reminding you of the things you need to do. You made those resolutions for a reason, make it happen.

To today’s post, I was having a conversation with a friend and we were discussing about relationships generally. We talked about the beauty of seeing people in love and compared it to the switch when they suddenly can’t stand to breathe the air around themselves anymore. We both agreed some relationships could have been saved if more care was taken. A tree is not felled by one strike, it takes continuous striking for it to be felled.

We all have our individual identities separate from whatever relationship we might be in and this informs some decisions we take. Whatever we do, to keep that relationship growing stronger, we need to bear the following in mind:

Image result for strong relationshipIt is not a competition. Love doesn’t have to come with so much strive. If you miss him/her, pick the phone and call. If you don’t feel so sure about where you stand or you feel starved of affection, call your partner’s attention to it. At times, it is just an oversight and things change soon as the guilty partner is made aware of the effect of his/her actions/inactions. However if he/she doesn’t change, then keep walking. You need not stay stuck in a relationship that is heading nowhere. If your mind tells you it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Bear in mind that it really doesn’t matter who calls or sends messages first, long as the feeling is mutual.

Sorry is not just a word, it is an action. The acknowledgement of doing a wrong and the conscious effort towards righting the wrong is very necessary in building a strong relationship. It is important to say it as it is to act it. There have been times that I have been really livid that all that was needed to calm me was a well said Sorry. I used well said because some people sound even more insincere when they use the word. We are not perfect beings so hurting one another can’t be avoided but in order to have a healthy relationship, we need to acknowledge the hurt we caused and not feel too proud to say Sorry. Pride has no place in your relationship. Having a healthy image of oneself is very important but letting your ego rule when sense should, is disturbing.

There are no rules against being vulnerable. Don’t be so in control of your emotions that your partner starts being unsure. Be trusting enough to let them in that is how great relationships thrive. If she doesn’t know you are under pressure at work, how is she going to understand your lack of interest? Sharing your problems might not solve them immediately but it relieves you of some pressure. Going through rough situations together bring couples closer. Come on, even super heroes break. You are in each other’s lives to complement yourselves.

Be sensitive: don't be so detached from your partner not to notice any change in their behavior. Let him/her feel that you truly care. Take into consideration their backgrounds and feelings before saying things. come on, there are better ways of telling your partner to work on their weight other than calling them 'fat'. You shouldn't crack insensitive jokes at their expense. All these can lead to bad blood if not well managed.

Talk about it: Communication is the most important ingredient that relationships thrive on. By all means talk every difference through. It works 85% of the time. Chances are that he doesn't even know you are mad at him or that the remark she made was rude. You need to let them know.


Don’t miss out on great things because of situations that could have been avoided. I implore you to do the right thing and fix whatever situation you might be in. It is not as bad as it seems.

PhotoCredit: elitedaily.com

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Compromise Can Destroy Your Relationship!

When we talk about relationships, we like to throw the word 'compromise' around. Everyone talks about how compromise is the name of the game, and if you want your relationship to work out, you must be willing to compromise all the time. I don't have any problems with compromise; as a matter of fact, I also believe it is the sure-fire way to make your relationship work. However, like everything else in the world, too much compromise can  make your relationship fail, rather than help it work.

There are certain things you ought not compromise in your relationship, and as selfish as they may seem, they are the things that give you a sense of belonging and contribution to the relationship. Below, I have listed three things that stand out to me. These are three things that I have learned the hard way never to compromise and I believe it is worth sharing with everyone.

1.) Your identity: This is one thing you should NEVER EVER give up simply because you want to be in a relationship with someone. Your identity is who you are, and is comprised of little things that make you who you are. Who you are determines what you will contribute to a relationship, and it is disheartening to give that up simply because you want to become a clone of your partner. Stick to your originality! Trying to be someone else is not something you can keep up for long, and soon it will result in cracks in your relationship. Don't give up your real self to impress someone; don't tame your personality to give the wrong impression. Simply be yourself; the person who will accept you for who you are will come along, and you'll find the relationship much easier!

2.) Your dreams: How many times have I heard people say "I always wanted to do a,b,c... but when I met Sally or John, we decided it was better to forget that and live in the real world". So many dreams are truncated in the name of compromise. They eventually lead to very unhappy people, and subsequently troubled relationships. Don't give up your dreams! That's not compromise, it's selling yourself out! Your dreams, no matter how small or big they seem are part of the things that 'breathe' life into you everyday. They are the reasons you wake up excited every morning, the reason you see each day as an opportunity to be joyous. Don't give them up simply because you believe your partner's dreams and aspirations are more important than yours. Your dreams are your fuel for life. Without them, all you'll be is another clone of someone else, and mediocrity will be your first name. Your partner will get bored when he or she discovers you have lost your drive, and before you know it, you will find yourself 

3.) Your Core Values: When it comes to core values, I have learned that it is better to be with someone who shares the same core values as you do. It is easier to build a relationship where both parties agree on what the fundamental building blocks should be. Once you begin to compromise your core values, your identity begins to lose its 'footing' (for lack of a better word). You slowly find yourself absorbing values you can barely comprehend, and before you know it, you are confused, and simply going through the motions of the relationship. But one day, you will wake up and realize you are not living life the way you want. You will crack under the pressure of this unknown way of life you once gleefully accepted and you will eventually find yourself sitting at crossroads- to turn back to what you knew or keep walking a path you probably will never understand.

There are probably a few more things on your mind about compromise. Do share your thoughts. XOXO


Friday, February 27, 2015

3 Relationship Myths We Believe In

Generally, Relationships are being judged by all the words lovers confess for themselves on the social media walls and all the doctored pictures we see. We go all ‘awww’ whenever we read romance books with perfect endings silently hoping our lives are that way. We know these things are far from real life so by now, we all agree things are never as simple as they seem right? Well, just to further drive home that point, I decided to touch on some myths most of us believed in or probably still believe in.

Love is perfect: Sweetie, I hate to be the bearer of this news but I need to help you out of whatever dreamland you are stuck in. Love is nothing close to perfect. There will be arguments and there will be down times. There will be times when you just want to end it all and just leave but the good news is it will not be the end of the relationship. Most times, it makes it stronger. The disagreements can only bring you closer. Despite all its imperfections, love is still a beautiful thing. There are times you hear things like if he loves you, he would go to the end of the world and back for you  ( A cynic like me is like oh ! sweetie , I hope you know you aint trying out for a role in a Disney movie because things don’t play out that way).

You Become Who You Admire

There is something rather interesting about human nature; as much as we like to think we determine how we turn out, we are often failed by our proclivity to involuntarily become whoever or whatever we admire. Sadly, many of us are unaware of this fact, so we focus on what we now refer to as trends, following blindly what has been dictated to us by someone else, yet believing we are carving ourselves apart from others.

I met a young man recently who during our first discussion mentioned his desire to carry out a genocide against a different tribe in his home country. He talked about it so passionately, I almost ran for help. I happen to know people from his home country, who are from the tribe he intended to vent his anger, and all I could think about was what could possibly lead a young man in his late twenties, in this century, in this day and age to even entertain the thought of leading a genocide against innocent people who were not in his hair, or breathing down his neck. My confusion was resolved when during our second discussion, he mentioned how much he admired Hitler. We all know how controversial a character Hitler was and still is today. His name still sparks a lot of anger, hatred and sad emotions that words cannot express, yet... here was someone who had watched every documentary Hitler was ever featured in, and who unknowingly was beginning to fancy himself as a 21st century Hitler. It didn't happen by chance; his admiration of Hitler was bound to lead him to think in bizarre and irrational ways.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

SEX Is Tricky: Discussing Sex With Kids

I don't believe in the conservative ways our parents handled things.The average adult never really got 'sex schooled'. We had to discover all we know on our own.Sex is a very uncomfortable subject generally. Having to discuss it with kids makes it even more tricky.You try very much not to say much but you don't want to be guilty of not saying enough too. My child is just a year plus and I can tell she is more conscious of her environment than she used to be. Now, I avoid watching some kind of movies around her,lest she thinks those things are the right things to do. I am very paranoid and I advocate for kids to be given good sex education to equip them with the right tool to save this perverse world.I stumbled on this page on the Momastery blog and I found the author's post both hilarious and informative. I have to agree that it got weird in the middle but she stuck on like a warrior.Imagine the look in my eyes when I read the sentence below.
And then my YOUNGEST said, “Well, if it’s the penis thing, then you don’t have to be married. You could just walk up to anybody and say: HEY: DO YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA???” 
I would have literally frozen if I were in her shoes but she stayed strong like a soldier. I shared the excerpts from it below but you can read the full post here.

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