Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Handling Differences In Relationships/Marriage

Bollywood movies really capture what some of us think being in a relationship is. We assume everyday is a lovesong. We get the picture of a man and his lady smiling sheepishly while gazing into each other’s eyes like they could see into each other’s hearts. They both would have a theme song they’d dance to and be locked together in an embrace forever. And if there arose a villain, the man is portrayed as someone with super heroic powers. He kills all the enemies of love and does everything to be united with his woman. Dramatic much, I say.
Nollywood presents her own version of love with the prince falling for a maid and couples wearing matching attires with a penchant for meat/food straight from their lovers’ mouths (I suppose the saliva makes it taste better *chuckles)
Don’t even get me started on the romance novels with physically endowed damsels in distress and knights in shinning armours. Discovering they are soulmates because they are alike in every way and can complete each other’s sentences.

While it might seem I am making a mockery of these settings, I still believe love could be stronger than even what fiction portrayed. It is a good thing to fall in love but one has to appreciate that love comes to us in different ways and however way it may come, it doesn’t necessarily have to follow a defined pattern. 

 I find it interesting how life helps us create our own love stories with our individual peculiarities.The other day, I was having a discussion with an older friend of how little issues in relationships can become escalated when mismanaged. As a law student I wondered about what it meant when we studied cases of couples that broke up as a result of irreconcilable differences.

It is true that we really could  share a lot in common but still make a mess of what we have because we forgot that love isn't about perfect beings. No relationship is devoid of its peculiar issues. Whatever it is, minor differences can be as damaging as major differences, our attitude is what determines the consequence.

My colleague at work has this weird music taste for 70s blues and all I think of whenever he turns his playlist on is how his wife copes with that because I wonder if his young outgoing wife also shares his classic taste.

When I got newly married, I found out that I had to adjust to a number of things. I am sure my husband felt the same way too. I would rather watch a chick flick compared to a third time re run of a football game. If this difference in taste was left unattended , it could pave way to something deeper. It doesn't matter if the debate is about spicy foods or how to press toothpaste tubes, what matters is respecting that each person has the right to his/her opinion.

Those differences don't mean we are mismatched . To work through some of these differences;
  1. We just need to cultivate the right attitude towards making the needed amends. Always bear in mind that you are a member of a team and some things need not become dealbreakers.
  2. Communicating appropriately solves the bulk of issues encountered in relationships.Stop nagging, talk about the situation and come up with a common solution. 
  3. Remember that there is no need being rigid when compromise can be made.
  4.  Differences are good, the fact that we don't understand some things our partners do doesn't make those things bad, we just need to get our minds out of our fabled expectations of perfection. 

When it is all said and done, differences and all, love always wins but that is if we let it. 

Stay blessed.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

What You Should Know About Waiting Till Your Wedding Night!

After every wedding, it is expected that there should be a honeymoon- not just a trip somewhere exotic but an actual taste of sexual honey that you've abstained from all through your relationship. There are many people these days who do not wait till the wedding night.

Many are eager to find out if they are sexually compatible with their spouse before they commit Afterall, marriage shall not survive by good works alone, but also by the satisfaction of sexual urges. For those who choose to wait till the wedding night (which I strongly advise), here are a few things you must know:
  • The fact that you have decided to wait till your wedding night does not mean you shouldn't lust for one another. Many people are so frigid, they consider lusting for their spouse a sin. Hello! lust is part of marriage! If you do not feel any lust or any urge to cross the lines of temptation, you may want to reconsider getting married. I am not saying you should actually cross the line, but it is very important that you feel like you want to. Friendship is all well and good; but if you have friendship without lust in a marriage, it will not survive... just like lust without friendship won't sustain your marriage.

Abortions and the Big Question Mark

Whenever we hear the word 'abortion' as Christians, we are quick to write it off and judge whoever has engaged in it. Surprisingly for me, I discovered through a friend who's a medical doctor that abortions are not limited to unmarried women only. Many married women have abortions when they feel they've had enough children or are simply unwilling to deal with any child at the time. That's a topic for another day.

I have wondered in recent times if there is any justification for abortion. What happens if a woman is gang raped and she ends up pregnant? Will we encourage her to have the child and be constantly reminded of the psychological trauma? What happens if a woman find out that the father of her child is actually married, and wants nothing to do with the child? Can we really tell her it's OK to have that child and be reminded every single day of emotional heartache? What happens if the doctors suggest a medical abortion because the fetus is ill-developed and will die within a few days after birth? Where exactly can we draw the line between abortion being right or wrong?

Friday, July 24, 2015

Be Deliberate, Stop Leaving Your Life To Chances

Reflections are great. We all need to be able to look back at where we are coming from in order to appreciate the progress we have been able to make and also to analyze and strategize on moving forward.

How does one reflect if one had no expectations /goals?

As a child, I was one of those kids that would seat at the back of the class for fear of being perceived as too serious and uncool. I ignorantly thought anyone who set goals took himself too seriously. It took me a while to realize that it can be very dangerous sailing on the sea with no destination in mind. So, I started setting goals; mini and major goals. Along the way, I discovered that setting goals in itself doesn’t guarantee results but knowing that there is a destination you need to get to, keeps you going even at the low times.

Fear can be very intimidating. There were times I found myself giving myself so many excuses why I should not follow through on a plan I had because I was scared. I wondered what I’d do if I fail. I found out however that the road sometimes might get foggy and that one’s well mapped out plan might suddenly seem unreadable. The path one taught one has studied so well might become unnavigable but that time is not the time to give up. This is because fogs always clear. A Yoruba proverb says when one falls off a horse, one climbs the horse again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Five Simple and Surprising Ways to Get Over a Breakup!

Breakups are hard, but sometimes the drama associated with them is overrated. Many people get caught in a personal fable after a breakup and simply refuse to live again. They stay cooped up in their rooms, cry their eyes out, refuse to eat and post the most depressing updates on social media. 

I get it…breaking up feels like a part of you has been ripped out and all the dreams you’ve stacked over the months or years have been dashed by one single blow. It is sometimes hard to get over a breakup, and there are thousands of suggestions that include trying to win your man or lady back. I’m all for winning a person back if that person wants to be won over, but what happens if that person has truly moved on? Will you sink into depression forever? 

Here are five surprising, yet simple ways you can get over a breakup fast!
  • Throw a tantrum! Are you surprised? I guess so. So many magazines and articles often suggest keeping your cool, and being matured about the fact that someone virtually ripped your heart out of your chest. I don’t buy into that. Ever noticed children after they throw tantrums? They fall into a deep restful sleep! Throwing a tantrum is a way of expressing your anger, instead of bottling up all the emotions of inadequacy and ugliness that may be sweeping through you. Scream over the phone, shout, say exactly what you think of your ex, then make yourself a nice cup of hot chocolate and go to sleep. It will be the best sleep you’ve ever had I promise you. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

How Long Should Women Wait After Giving Birth Before Getting Sexually Active Again

I remember eavesdropping on my mum’s conversation with a friend of hers when I was much younger. They were sharing birth stories and both of them agreed it was the most painful and life changing thing they had ever encountered.

They talked about how the size of the baby might make the midwives decide to cut the vagina for easier passage. The picture that information left in my mind made me fear I would never be ready for the encounter. Imagine being stuck with sanitary pads for close to 30days at a go.

I was told by the doctor to wait for at least 6weeks after my child so you’d understand my horror when a woman shared how her husband slept with her six days after giving birth and it sparked a lot of debate. This coupled with other thoughts in my head roused my curiosity to know if there was a uniform time we all have to adhere to as women before our body feels ready.

I hope the men read this too because it is important to understand your wife’s body.

Relationship 101: Three Basic Social Media RulesTo Live By.

How many of you are guilty of looking up someone you just met on the social media? Have you ever gone through their profiles to kind of get an idea of who they are and what they love doing? You haven’t? Well, I used to and did I discover a lot? (Story for another post I tell you)
 Do you ever find yourself years deep into your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister’s page and you start to feel you might need no introduction when you finally meet such person?
No lies the social media really does blur the line and there are times we are tempted to feel we know strangers through feeding on their pictures and posts. I read an interesting Instagram bio recently, it read: you don’t know me, you know my Instagram. Really interesting right?
The allure of the social media is unending, from the man that wants to brag about his latest auto mobile to the lady that wants to show off her hot new love or the guy that wants to rant about his cheating girlfriend. However way we act, we all seem to leave a piece of ourselves for everyone to see (and perhaps feast on).
Relationships are not without their natural drama but the social media seems to add a new twist, we find out we might have found it easier to forgive a lover that erred had we not shared the details on the social media or had we not reconnected with that old flame from school. We find we might now have to consider the number of people that might think we sold ourselves cheap.
Someone once said that our parents found it easier to stick together because they didn’t have hundreds of people following them and liking their pictures when things were tough in their marriages and relationships. They didn’t have a choice but to work through their issues together. I agree with this too.
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