I find pretence rather exhausting! How some people manage to keep up with it still baffles me. Sometimes I wish I had their zeal to carry on, memory to remember what to do and what not to do in front of their 'victims' and the imagination they put to use to create their alternate characters- my writing would be so much better if I had a combination of all these attributes.
Pretending to be who you're not as a single person might be a little forgivable. When you're in a relationship and still presenting a facade to your partner, then it is safe to conclude that you have attained the greatest height of immaturity known to man. Go any further, and you'll exceed the limit.
I recently read a post about things people shouldn't do in front of their partners- don't trim your nose hair in front of your spouse, don't fart in front of your spouse (whether you are male or female), don't wear hair nets to bed, don't sneeze next to your partner, don't do 'the number 2' while your partner is in the next room, wait for him or her to leave....the list goes on, and I'm just like "HUH?!" How long is that supposed to go on for? Is pretense now a norm that will defy natural human occurrences? What happens if you really need to take a dump in the toilet and your partner is at home? Will you push it back into your intestines, hold your sneeze, leave your nose hair till it's so long you can braid it? Some people even pretend they hardly eat. To what end?
Relationships are supposed to be exhibitions of true love, characterized by true expressions of who both parties are. Pretending to not do certain natural things like farting and sneezing is not a guarantee that your relationship will last any longer or be more sophisticated. If anything at all, it is a sign that you and probably your partner are so immature, your relationship is based on lies. Some people go beyond defying natural human occurrences to lying about their travels (which are sometimes non-existent), their families and even their network of friends. How they manage to keep up with these lies is still beyond me.
Quit pretending and accept who you are! It is effortless, liberating and means you will have more time to dedicate to more important things. Besides, it will create realistic expectations from your partner where you are concerned, and will help you grow into who you really are. There's nothing more fun and endearing than being yourself around your partner! XOXO
Friday, December 19, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
I didn't think in recent times that I'd have to write about this. I thought it was a trend that was abandoned ages ago- a trend where one partner forged ahead in all aspects of life while the other simply took a laid-back approach with no vision, no desire to achieve anything and no guilt whatsoever that they are leeching off their partners, living the good life, while the poor spouse is out everyday breaking his or her back. How people feel comfortable doing this is beyond me. I'd walk out of my skin with frustration!
This seemingly obsolete trend is slowly creeping back into society, leading to exhausted spouses, and dysfunctional marriages. Many people become so comfortable in marriage, they believe all their dreams and visions before marriage are meaningless and should be swept under the rug. Instead they bask in their partner's success, live for their partner's dreams, and eventually end up tiring their poor partners out. Every need they have is placed on their partner's shoulders- need for affirmation, financial needs and even trivial needs. Sadly, women are mostly guilty of this, and they wonder why their partners look elsewhere for someone that fulfills the needs of a partner.
Keep up with your spouse! Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Being married is not the biggest achievement you will ever attain in life. Many people expect their spouses to carry them along, and I always ask "why can't you simply walk alongside your spouse? why do you need to be carried?" It may sound unfair and perhaps cliche in some cases, but many relationships disintegrate because spouses do not keep up with one another. They grow apart because one person has drive and vision, and the other is OK with reaping the benefits of that drive and vision, without contributing a dime to it. Keeping up with your spouse does not necessarily mean following in the exact same footsteps; it means following your dreams, having a vision for the family and contributing in every way to the stability and wellbeing of your relationship.
Keep up! Grow together, learn together, walk together. These are some of the simplest ways to keep a relationship evergreen. XOXO
Saturday, December 13, 2014
He was born on 4th December 1982 with Tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs.
He got married last year and he now shares his 5 Point Survival Guide for the First Year of Marriage..
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Cheating- the one word that can make any spouse feel like an idiot, and ruin the dynamics of any relationship. Back in the day, whenever we heard the word 'cheat', our thoughts immediately drifted to men. Thanks to our gender equality demonstrations, we now have women hanging out on the cheating block, passing the baton to one another and teaching each other the tricks of the game. These days, men are on the lookout for signs of cheating, even their friends are willing to offer unsolicited assistance. They look out for any hug that lingers a second too long, a smile that seems too wide and anything that can be passed off as a look of admiration.
I have tried many times to work out why men cheat even when they have the Proverbs 31 woman tending to their every need, and I have come up with nothing. On the other hand, the same research with women has turned out interesting results. Why do women who seemingly have everything cheat on their partners? Are women truly as hard to please as men think? Is it always about money, or are there deeper reasons why women cheat? I've uncovered three reasons women who seemingly have it all cheat.
Attention: So your lady cuts her hair, dyes it a different color, paints her nails, wears makeup for the first time and wears a new dress she bought the weekend before, and you don't notice anything has changed? Well, someone else will. Many men with cheating wives wouldn't even notice if their wives grew horns and claws. Women live off compliments, and I've noticed men do too. It is important to notice and appreciate the little efforts your lady puts into looking good everyday. Apart from doing it to make herself look good, she's also doing it for your admiration. Not noticing means she's probably like another old coffee table in your majestic mansion that you can't be bothered to look at. It's only a matter of time before someone else notices that 'old coffee table' and brings it to life and makes it shine with compliments.
Friendship: Everyone is busy, and with life becoming increasingly expensive, no one wants an idle partner who sits around the house and empties the refrigerator in two days. In spite of the daily hustle and bustle, it is important to create some time to nurture your friendship with your lady. A comfortable life in the biggest mansion, best cars and most fashionable clothes will mean nothing if you can't take some time out of your schedule to laugh with your lady, listen to how her day went, tell her about yours and simply just enjoy each other's company. Lack of friendship turns couples to strangers. To avoid cheating, nurture your friendship, take a road trip together, spend a weekend away from your phone, and just spend time with your lady. As little as it sounds, it makes a big difference in how your relationship plays out.
Oppression: Now, this is one factor that definitely leads to cheating. Many men are of the opinion that when they provide the best lives for their spouses, they have a right to talk down to them, belittle them, treat them like they don't matter and generally disregard their opinions. I don't know why many women endure such marriages, perhaps leaving a comfortable life to go shack it up with an average Joe is scary for them. One thing for sure though is that many oppressed women find liberation in the words, character, and arms of other men. The presence of oppression in any relationship creates an avenue for cheating.
For some women, money might be a reason to cheat, but that's not always the case. You can have a loyal spouse if you do the simple things. Money is not the only way to keep a woman happy. Try being a real husband, not just an ATM machine. XOXO
Photo Credit:Flickr: Pro Juventute
I came across an CNN article/video online which I think every Parent should be aware of.
This goes to show that in this internet age, parents should be internet savvy and aware of what their children are into.
This article tells about acronyms popularly used across the internet, especially on social media and texting apps
Some of these acronyms can give the uninitiated parents the chills.
Here are some of the "Sext" slangs that are being used now...Mind you There is a study that shows a correlation between Teen Sexting and risky Sex.
- IWSN - I want sex now
- GNOC - Get naked on camera
- NIFOC - Naked in front of computer
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Often times, I have heard ladies speak of meeting that special one and getting him hooked forever. Oh Lord! If only this one will stay some exclaim. Is it something I am doing wrongly? Some ask.
I cooked, cleaned and made myself available in every way but he still dumped me and married some other girl.
What can I do?
Sis, I understand your plight, trust me I really do. I was advising a friend a while ago and I made a representation with our growth as humans. Relationships are in stages and while I understand a grown lady’s eagerness to settle, one needs to understand what is needed at every stage. Don’t be in so much hurry that you mess things up.
-Don’t scare him away by telling him all you want in a husband on the very first date. That is just too much girl. You don’t want to be perceived as desperate. Get to know him. Enjoy the food, chat about your interests. There is ample time to tell him everything else in subsequent dates. The first date is about making an impression and you don’t want him to perceive you as desperate.
-My dear, please don’t assume where you are in a relationship. Let it be defined. By all means, ask him what you are to him if you are not sure. Men can be undecided atimes, don’t be caught up in that web of indecision while your heart is getting toyed with. Let him put a name to it or just keep walking.
-Don’t be so needy. Emotionally or materially. It is alright to let a man know how much he means to you. However, don’t call him in the middle of a meeting, threatening suicide if he doesn’t come see you immediately. Or asking a freshly employed man to get you an iphone 6 for your birthday. Be reasonable please.
-Leave some things to wonder. Stay in his thoughts for all the right reasons. Most men love when they put in work. Some people are lucky to be married to a man they had sex with on the first date but this is a small percentage compared to the large population. Fornication is a sin but more so, it is God’s way of looking out for our hearts. You would agree it is easier to move on when you are not getting all muddled up in a sexual mess. Prepare him to have things to look up to. Let him feel like he put in work. Don’t be so easy my dear. Most guys take this into consideration (most of the ones I asked).
-Don’t turn yourself to a maid because you are trying to show your domestic skills. A man once said he didn’t marry his girlfriend of many years because he didn’t see why he should. They were staying together and she does everything a wife does. Marrying her according to him was just formalities. There was another time I was listening to the radio and a woman shared her story that she had been living with a man for the past 12 years and he still hasn’t married her after three kids together because according to him he is not sure she is the one. You need to understand where you stand in a man’s life, don’t do some things out of desperation for his attention. Displaying your sexual and domestic skills doesn’t guarantee commitment. Let him come to the understanding that you are indeed a price so he can treat you so.
-Please don’t try to manipulate him. If he loves you, let him come to a decision by himself. If he can’t make that decision and you feel you can’t wait, then keep walking. Trust me, there is someone tailor-made for you.
So, be yourself.
Have fun getting to know the other person.
Nurture the relationship.
Don’t be playing wife roles when you are just friends.
That knight in shining armor knows he will be wrong if he doesn’t sweep you off your feet.
Don’t let the pressure get to you dear, you are more in control of your life than you know. Having a man in your life doesn’t validate you.
Above all, Prayerfully ask God for guidance in taking decisions. You don’t want to embark on that serious journey without directions from the One that knows all.
Photo Credit: lovethispic.com
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I have discovered a new trend I never thought existed. I had always thought couples accepted that arguments are key in relationships to help them develop mutual strategies to resolve conflict, however my recent surveys have shown that some couples do not believe there should be any room for arguments. In some cases, one partner believes arguments are part of everyday life while the other believes they create unnecessary friction and may hurt the good flow of the relationship. I was rather surprised to discover this; I thought every couple had their arguments, forgot about them and moved on. Turns out it's not as easy as it sounds.
Some people are the best people to argue with; they end things with a joke, laugh at indirect insults and add a touch of sarcasm that sets everyone rolling on the floor with laughter. People like these may not take certain arguments seriously, and may even end up making a joke out of serious situations. On the other hand, some people like to win! They want to win every argument even if it is about whether omelettes taste good with sardines or not. These people are rather exhausting to be around, struggle to listen to other people, and always try to enforce their opinions on others. Doesn't sound like fun arguing with them does it? Having discovered these two extremes, I have come across a third set of people- those who argue fairly, like to talk things out, and are willing to let both parties agree to disagree. Of course everyone wants a partner like that! So back to the big question: how should you resolve arguments in your relationship?
My answer is that should depend on the nature of your partner. It is almost impossible to have a relationship without arguments but it can be done (that's a topic for another day). I often advice people to employ one of two strategies when they want to resolve arguments- understanding plus tolerance or understanding plus avoidance. I'm sure you're not battling to understand the first strategy but avoidance? huh? what's that about?
Many people have the impression that they MUST discuss every single issue with their partner, get their point across and well-understood, and come to a mutual conclusion. That is not likely to happen in every situation, and before you know it, your relationship will be more like a marriage counselling session that just won't end even though you get the point. Avoidance is a skill, a strategy, a helpful tool everyone should learn if they intend to have relationships that will stand the test of time. I am not asking you to overlook major issues, but learn to overlook the small or inconsequential issues. Try to avoid beating the dead horses of events that cannot be reversed, the "I told you so" moments and the "you can't function without me" debates. Rather learn to recognize your partner's style of arguing and try to employ the right strategy to handle situations- avoidance or tolerance, but understanding should be a key factor either way.
Arguments are inevitable; even though they tend to reduce in frequency and intensity over time, one cannot wish them away or expect them not to happen at all. Instead of hoping arguments won't occur, employ the right strategy to resolve every situation. As a matter of fact, silence (not the silent treatment) can sometimes be a resolution to a hurtful or inconsequential argument. Learn to understand your partner, try to listen more and talk less, and if you are the type that sulks when you're hurt, learn to express yourself calmly. Whatever the case, always argue fair, with respect, without the use of derogatory words and with the calmest tone you can muster. XOXO