Monday, June 27, 2016

Win The Battle of Silence in Your Life

This is the best advice I can give you because it is the best advice anyone has ever given me. Have you ever heard the saying "the best way to kill an idea is to discuss it out loud"? Well, guess what? It's true. 

Many people have fantastic ideas, and they get excited about them, and really there is nothing wrong with that. It becomes a problem however when you get so excited, you start to share your idea with everyone you meet and know. I don't know if you have ever noticed but the idea seems to lose steam the more you share it, the excitement wanes, and with time, you lose interest in it. It is not because someone is using mystical powers against you; it is because you are yet to learn how to win the battle of silence in your life. 

When God reveals an idea to you, he has only given you 10% of what you need. He has only given you the mission he wants you to embark on. He has only given you your project title. When you rush around to tell everyone what your idea is, you are exposing yourself to different opinions... many of which will differ from what God has planned for you. Exposing yourself too soon will open you up to the myopic views of other people who will highlight the 1001 ways your idea will not work. The interesting thing about such people is that they will not see your idea working but they will see every obstacle you will face along the way.... even up to the point where it succeeds but will never see the success of it. 

My advice? Stop sharing every idea you get with everyone, except God has placed a word in your heart that tells you to share it with a particular person. Let God be the one who knows your idea; let him be the one who gives you the direction you need. Let God be the one to give you the modus operandi of how you will achieve it. Stop blabbing off to everyone everywhere. When God gives you an idea, it's only 10%. You still need to hear the mission of that idea i.e the purpose for it. You need to hear the vision i.e. where God wants you to take it and how far you need to go with it. You need to hear those God wants you to partner with and the roles they are expected to play. You need to hear where God wants you to establish it. You need to hear when you have to take action. Before you go around exposing yourself to criticism, dissuasion and myopic views, hear God fully. Win the battle of silence with yourself. XOXO

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Don't Marry Him Just Yet!

 I have noticed many women accept marriage proposals for one disturbing reason. No, it's not because they view marriage as an achievement that makes them worthy of celebration by society's standards. Many women accept marriage proposals simply because "that's who's available and they might not get another shot at this marriage thing". Many women accept proposals because they believe they have to accept any man who appears serious and offers marriage, then they wonder why their marriages go downhill when this person starts to exhibit traits they didn't know he had, and flex muscles they didn't think he would. Many ladies choose their husbands solely based on the butterflies they get when they see him, the Brazilian hair he buys and the sweet things he says. The question is should that be the basis? Yea, I can already see you shaking your head "no". However, do you know what it is you should be looking out for exactly? Probably not. 

When a man proposes marriage and says all the right things, don't be quick to jump to jump on his bandwagon, no matter how exciting the idea of journeying with him might be. You need to first ask yourself crucial questions that have nothing to do with his bank account or list of qualifications. 

#1 Does he have a direction for his life? This is a crucial question because believe it or not, the man you end up with is leading you somewhere. The important thing to know is where. If he has no direction for his life, he will lead you in circles and other indescribable patterns similar to a toddler's doodling. 

#2 Does his direction in life correlate with mine? You are a woman, not a waste of space and oxygen. Before you meet the one, I expect that you are already connecting with your God-given purpose. Will the man you are about to marry encourage you in that purpose and walk with you? Or will he discourage that purpose for his selfish interests? If your directions are aligned, chances are he will encourage you. 

#3 Does he know why he is choosing me? No it shouldn't be because you are wife material. Anybody can be tied and dyed into wife material under the right conditions. But has he identified something else within you that makes him want to stay true to the elements of love such as respect, tolerance, understanding, nurture and empathy? Cos if the reason he's choosing you is solely because you are wife material, beware. He is probably looking to see how you can serve him and not how he can serve you in return. A good marriage works both ways. 

#4 Does he have the right values to instill in our children if we have children? The fact is your children will become you and your husband. If you think raising the children is your sole responsibility, shake your head vigorously now and let that thought fall out of your head. Raising children is the responsibility of both parents. Parents are the first examples of relationships children see, and it affects how they view relationships in future. Would you want your son to be like him? Do you want your daughter to end up with a man like him? 


Monday, June 20, 2016

Mums' Influences on our Lives.

The popular saying that "some mothers do have them" is a realistic phrase in issues of life. A mother's love cannot be quantified or replaced with another but when this love is the only air you breathe such that you start to suffocate and other sources of air (love) are being refrained, then you need help. A mother's love starts when the baby is conceived till he/she is born and grows through the different stages of life. 

Our mothers are there to take decisions for us or guide us in decision making while growing up, but the guidance should change to advice when we become adults so that we can take decisions solely and learn from our mistakes, however mothers want to remain the decision maker in our lives even as adults. This is common among Africans because we live with our parents till we get married unlike in Western countries where you have to stay on your own from age 18 and take decisions about your life.

I appreciate my mum's love in my life for guiding me through school and even influencing the course I read in school. She also played a major role in choosing my life partner and planning my wedding (she had 90% say while I had 10% say in the planning) which I appreciate and didn't complain. Now 

What Does Equality in Marriage Really Mean?

It appears the issue of equality in marriage will forever be an issue of contention between men and women. How can women be speaking of equality in marriage when men are clearly stated in the bible as the heads of their homes? Are women trying to take on the roles of their husbands? Or are they simply trying to shirk their God-given domestic responsibilities by trying to enforce this new crazy wave of equality? What does it mean when your wife starts to push for equality in your marriage? Has she gone nuts or is she trying to take the piss?
Let me state first and foremost that I believe God is the only true head of every home, A home built on the foundation of societal perceptions and expectations will eventually crumble. Culture seems like a good chain of chastisement and order until it rears its ugly bottom and turns everything upside-down. Societal expectations seem right on paper until you are in the boat and you suddenly realize you are dealing with a human being who is fallible and prone to reprogramming unlike a cell phone app. What am I saying? Even Google maps sometimes takes me to destinations that make me cry...cos you know... petrol is expensive. 

But let's get back to the point; God is the head  of the home, and equality is a factor that can help your marriage grow better and become an enjoyable journey rather an a necessary evil. Think about it. Just take a second to think about what equality in your marriage means. It means consulting each other before making major decisions (i.e. you cannot accept a promotion at work that takes you to a different country without first discussing it with your wife; and by discussing, I mean actually listening to her inputs and trying to meet her halfway. The same applies to women). Equality in marriage means putting yourself in your spouse's shoes and treating your spouse the way you'd treat yourself, or at least the way you'd like to be treated. Equality means sharing everything with each other, and that includes the unpleasant domestic chores, the screaming babies and the days of prayers and fasting. Why is it difficult to accept?

Many men and women have the wrong understanding of what equality in marriage means. Some women believe it is about taking over and laying down the law. Some men believe they have to flex their muscles to lead. Neither path leads to joy so spare yourself the pain. As equal partners in marriage, you recognize only one true leadership and that is Jesus Christ. Your decisions, lifestyle and even the way you approach the things that should be done around the home is based on the example of Christ- a leader who gave himself in love for the salvation of others. If you both have this attitude and understanding, equality will not be a topic for discussion or argument, it will be a conviction you both live by without being told, and that is how love will flourish. 

What is your understanding of equality in marriage? Do share. XOXO

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Correcting Your Spouse

Last year, my husband and I were leaving one morning for a three-day vacation. That morning, our car battery went dead and my husband jumped started the car using our neighbour's battery. 

I suggested respectfully that we still have time to go by the store and buy a new one and he said, "no, we will be fine" (a few years ago, I would have insisted). I decided to respect his decision and we continued out journey. 

We stopped on the way to use the ATM machine so we are not cash trapped on our trip. When my husband tried to start the car again - the battery was dead. A few years ago I am sure I would have berated him with an "I told you to replace that battery lecture and a lot of attitude", but I have learned to respect his decisions, so I didn't say anything. I was totally calm and at peace.

Correcting your spouse is something you have to do whether you want to or not because there are somethings you want done rightly and in a particular manner but the way you correct his/her mistakes matter. 
  • Have you ever hated the way your spouse corrects your mistakes even in public, believe me it's always not funny? 
  • How do you correct your spouse when his speed limit is too much, or when they keep late nights, or when they forget your birthday/anniversary dates or when they can't find the car keys when you are in a hurry or when your food is not ready when you are dead hungry? 
  • Do you rebuke each other publicly or escalate small issues that should have been sorted amicably between you two? 

Prophesies and Our Beliefs

"Whatever you believe in, works for you; be it positive or negative". A lot people in Africa live their lives based on prophetic utterances; while it works for some, it does not for others.

"Five months ago, my friend's boyfriend called off their 2year relationship without hesitation because his pastor told him he couldn't marry her. To my friend's surprise, her boyfriend called her three months (after the breakup) to plead with her and also to ask if they could continue with the relationship". 
My friend approached me requesting for answers to a lot questions like: 
  • Did the pastor give him another prophecy that she was the one or 
  • Was he convinced she was the one or 
  • Is he confused and does not know what he wants. 
  • Is there now a conflicting prophesy from another Pastor? 
Prophecies are meant to guide you in your decision making and not enforce decisions on you. You can turn a negative prophecy into a positive one through prayer and fasting. You need to have a close relationship with God to interpret prophecies that are meant for you and those not meant for you. You are not compelled to believe every prophecy, you can choose to reject the prophecy immediately or accept it and see it manifest. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Kind of Love You Deserve

Image result for love

I have often heard people second-guess themselves when it comes to love. Descriptions like "too good to be true", "Probably won't work out", "I don't think I deserve him/her" are often thrown around a lot by single people these days. These words play on our minds and our attitude and we eventually find ourselves sabotaging our relationships at every turn. It seems  we are all sitting, waiting, watching for this amazing person we have met to slip up so we can snap our fingers and say "haha! I knew it!" It is very clear that many young people these days do not believe they deserve love. 

You might be asking yourself "what kind of love is she referring to here? The new evolved type of love that is so short-lived, it feels like a whirlwind? Is it the new kind of love where we base everything on instant gratification and get bored right after? Or is it the kind of love where we get scared and jump off the ship the moment we perceive any sign of turbulence?" My response - None of the above. 

If you have been sabotaging good relationships because you believe you don't deserve them, this is for you. And no, this is not directed at males in particular or females in particular, this is for EVERY ONE.  

#1 Know that you are awesome and you deserve someone who knows it too: Many of use tend to change ourselves to suit the class or standards of the other person. We want to trade in our awesomeness for less, just to make someone else happy. You don't need to. You are amazing just the way you are. 

#2 Know that you are imperfect in spite of your awesomeness: It would be great to be perfect right? To have no character flaws or beauty fails... and just be the epitome of perfection. But that's not the case. You're an awesome piece made up of bits of imperfection. The kind of love you deserve is love that sees where you are imperfect yet wants to stay, and through gentle nudges and nurturing 're-directions' (is this a word?) makes you a better person. 

#3 Know that you deserve love that's truly "too good to be true": Yes, he or she is too good to be true, because you've had way less, and you are accustomed to people being 'exploitive' (I think I just coined another word) of you. But the truth is there is someone who will genuinely love you without any ulterior motives to hurt you in the end. Someone who will know your crazy past and your messed up state of mind and still want to be with you. 

My advice: Stop sabotaging those who give you this kind of love. Stop awakening demons of past experiences for nothing. Stop losing those who genuinely care. You deserve love in its most genuine and true form. Let yourself experience it. XOXO
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