Together and Apart - Stephen Martin

Like every married couple, you and your partner will have to wrestle with how much is enough togetherness — and what constitutes too much. There are as many answers to this question as there are marriages. Your agreement on this subject is also likely to change over the course of your marriage, as each of your individual needs and the needs of your family shift.

Problems arise when you and your partner disagree about the right balance of togetherness and separateness in your marriage. Take heart — very few couples begin in the same camp on this issue. What successful couples know is that the balance of togetherness and separateness is an issue they must keep on the table for ongoing discussion and compromise throughout their marriage.

Feelings of loneliness can also indicate another, more personal, problem that results from not liking your own company. If this is true of you and you haven't yet come to terms with your dilemma by going to individual therapy or taking other constructive steps, there is a danger that you will project your unconscious feelings of poor self worth onto your partner; in other words, you may believe he doesn't love you when in fact the problem is that you don't love you. At the base of loneliness is poor self-esteem.