STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!

Nobody saw it coming, it all happened in a flash. She went in fully clothed and ran out within minutes with every bit of clothing she wore shredded. Her husband was at it again. Nobody knows the underlining story but rumor has it that she is an unfaithful wife. But the beatings are so scary that all the neighbours wonder why she never left in spite of her failing health.

Dirty cooking pans littered a corner of the room. The guys in room D just finished their supper and were chattering in their usual way when the muffled sound they have all come to realize belonged to Kole, the guy next door seeped through the crack in the wall. A more audible voice could be heard giving orders ‘kneel down and say your mother is crazy’. Kole muffled some more amidst sobs and frantic apologies to his enraged girlfriend whose semi high pitched voice was raining more orders. The boys are bemused as always, indeed they agreed Kole needs an intervention.

Lai had a long day at work, he was looking forward to a long shower and a quiet evening when he was met at the door by his angry wife. All he could make out from the noise was how he had failed to pay for the cable services which led to their cable getting disconnected. The insults she was howling at him felt like different jabs of sharp edged knives being thrown at different parts of his body. He was going to turn back when she stood in the way, pushing and shoving as she screamed for him to react. A push from him to get her out of the way sent her flat on the ground which was followed by a hysteria and a loud call for the neighbours to come to her rescue. His life is a living hell. Nobody fully understands his plight, all they say is ‘she is a woman’ and he needs to be a gentleman.

As I was writing this post, someone on my contact list put up a picture of a middle aged man that was said to have been stabbed dead by his wife, the wife is also said to have sustained some  injuries. They both have been in a fight apparently but only one of them made it alive and she has been arrested at the moment.

Abuse is not limited to one gender, it cuts across both genders. One life is not more important than the other. Lives are lost, enemies are made,homes are destroyed and the list just keeps getting longer.

It is very sad how ‘love’ degenerates to such level. We cannot stop raising the awareness and talking about abuse till everyone understands that abuse always births casualties;  loss of life, loss of self, children and so many other losses. Something always gives.

Nobody deserves such dehumanizing treatment.

There are always signs to watch out for. We all are not of the same temperament but emotions can be managed. Be careful not to allow yourself cross that line of reasonability. Jealousy can fast get out of hand. If you have problems trusting your partner, talk about what might be the cause. Don’t allow your insecurities override your judgement.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. There are respectful ways of resolving issues. Try to avoid using provocative words or pushing and shoving your partner while arguing.

Love is kind and patient. Love is slow to anger. It stops being love when you allow yourself to bear grudges that lead to deep resentment for your partner.

Nobody is perfect, your partner is a work in progress and so are you. Provocation or not,violence is never an option.

If you are an abuser, take responsibility for your actions and seek help. Deal with all your underlying issues. Also go for counselling and pray. Manipulation isn't a way of showing love.

If you are a victim of abuse, speak out. Run and Look for support groups (they are everywhere). Dead people don’t speak. Stop making excuses, you deserve to live and be loved right.

Romance and Finance: How To Properly Manage Money As A Couple

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Love brings the best out of many of us. We find that we become more tolerating and forgiving of actions we never could tolerate. The sky looks bluer and the music of the birds sound more melodious, we even start to feel like we have springs in our feet. It is just so amazing to know that there is someone who is always going to be there for us through our flaws and all. As our relationship grow, we find that love is not all milk and honey, and there are things that can become deal breakers when not properly managed. Turns out many people can fall in love but it takes a large dose of maturity and emotional intelligence to stay in love.

Not many people start relationships hoping for the end of it but things happen along the way that make people get less fond of the love that used to be.

One of such things is finance.

Having the talk about money is never so easy but it is one of the most important things as it can decide whether a marriage will thrive or not. Many of us claim to be very in love but we won’t even divulge how much money we make to our significant other (this is a post for another day ).

You Can Give Your Child Everything

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Parenting is not the easiest job in the world. Many people become parents without really planning to, and many people just want to wing it. In spite of wanting to wing it, many parents realize there is a need to be cautious so as not to raise children of despicable character. It is a battle of wills – giving your child everything versus making your child grow up the way you did, where the word “No” was a chorus your parents sang whenever you wanted something that could put you in the same league as your friends. The truth is many parents are torn even though they would not admit it. Should you give your child everything and risk raising a monster you cannot handle in future, or should you implement austerity measures that instill fear in your child and risk your relationship? Don’t despair; you can give your child everything. 

Contrary to what many people may believe children of good character are not raised by using deprivation as a tool nor are monsters raised if a child gets everything. The key is in the approach you apply as a parent and the measures you put in place to ensure your children do not feel entitled. 

Desire Vs Value: Know The Difference

It is becoming clearer each day that many people are confused in their relationships. Some people are unsure of where they stand, and some relationships have hit the rocks before they’ve even had a chance to take off. The problem boils down to the fact that many of us do not understand the difference between being desired and being valued. 

Truth be told, many people confuse these two terms to be synonyms when truly they have completely different meanings. 

To be desired is amazing; to know that a person or many people want to be with you can be a much-needed self-esteem boost. Desire is craving, longing, yearning for a person, and is often the way relationships are born. A relationship that begins without desire might as well be a business arrangement. Real relationships begin with the desire to be with a person, to speak with a person, and to learn about a person but that feeling must graduate from desire to value. To be valued means to be held in high esteem preferably by the person who desires you, and whom you desire. It means to be appreciated, cherished, prized, and treated with a high level of importance. 

In Laws Are From Hell???

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A young woman got married to the love of her life. They had children and were living the life many hoped for. She couldn’t have been on a smoother ride, until death came and rained on her parade. Her beloved husband died in a motor crash, leaving her to fend for herself and their two young children. It came as a total shock and her inlaws didn’t make things any better. She was frustrated out of her marital home and had to do several odd jobs in order to provide for herself and her kids. She invested all she made on them, knowing pretty well that they were going to look after her when she becomes frail. It was like having sunshine after a heavy downpour of rain when her elder son got a job with one of the biggest multinationals in the country. He quickly moved the family into a decent apartment and made sure every need of his mother’s was met. Life decided to deal them another blow when her younger child died leading to the woman suffering a mild stroke. This made her very reliant on her son, who did all he could to fill the void death had created.

Theirs was a very strong bond.

He met Jocelyn on one of his assignments and they fast became an item. He couldn’t spend as much time as he used to spend with his mum as he had to juggle work and his new found love. Jocelyn didn’t understand the bond the woman and her son shared and she found every avenue to complain. The feeling was mutual as the woman found she had to share her son’s love with another woman. The son is however torn between the two of them not knowing whose side to stay on.

The scenario above is fictional and you can tell I am trying to find justification for some mother in laws that have been labelled annoying.

People complain a lot about their in-laws and most times it has to do with finances and accommodation. Many of us get married with the delusion that family members automatically fade away after the bridal party. Imagine just how shocked and unprepared we are when we find out in-laws cannot be wished away. There will be reasonable and unreasonable ones and we would have to deal with them all without causing unnecessary rifts.

We need to get our minds out of the stereotypes the society has created and understand that the key to building a good home is diligent application of wisdom and patience.

Some parents can really be overbearing but it turns out some of us also forget that our spouse had a life and commitment before he/she met us. Although two has become one, a child still has obligations to fulfill to his parents that is totally independent of whatever love he might have for his wife/ her husband. Remember "Honour your father and your mother so your days may be long".

What matters the most is for such issues as this to be adequately discussed and for reasonable choices to be made. Are the parents involved too overbearing? Are they such troublemakers or Is the spouse just intolerant?

Wisdom is what is needed here. “By wisdom is a house built and through understanding, it is established”. “Every wise woman build her home while the foolish pluck it down with her hands”.

Many parents sacrificed a lot for their children and it is important that we do not neglect them. Not all parents in law are from hell. Don’t be so on edge, things are always so much better if we walk in the shoes of those we are quick to condemn.

I had a discussion with a friend earlier in the week where we both agreed that issues are better resolved when the parties involved are not so screwed tight and set in their ways. There is no harm in meeting each other half way. Discuss your fears with your spouse. Be flexible and opened to accommodating some of your spouse's ideas.

 Pray for the aged ones, love on them. I am not saying there are no wicked humans but the battle is not yours to fight. Commit all into God’s hands.

Live For Yourself: Relationship Advice for Women

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It’s a trend I have noticed in almost every relationship I’ve observed. Women are more likely to lose their individuality in relationships. Women are more likely to lose their close buddies; they are more likely to stop having fun; they are more likely to give up hobbies they enjoy; they are more likely to end up depressed amidst achieving their relationship and family goals. I’ve seen it happen to friends, acquaintances and strangers, and I have often wondered if they are aware of what they are doing. Do women go into automatic ‘lose yourself’ mode once they meet Mr Right, or is it some kind of societal conditioning that makes us give up who we are for the joy of being in a relationship? 

Here’s the thing I’ve come to realize: Many women get caught up easily in romance to such an extent that they feel the need to be closer to the man. They will rather sit home and wait for him while he goes to hang out with his friends, rather than go out and hang out with their own friends. Many women cut off their friends in a bid to protect their relationship. They worry about the external influence of friends, and dedicate their full selves to the survival of the relationship. As their relationship goals are fulfilled however, they find themselves withdrawn and depressed. Yes, they have the man, the kids, the nice spacious house, the maid, and everything else a woman could want, but they still feel empty inside. That is because they stopped living for themselves the moment they met Mr. Right. Instead they absorbed Mr. Right’s expectations and played out the roles expected of them, rather than being who they really want to be. They cut off their friends to project the ‘right image’ to Mr Right in order to seal the deal. Big mistake. 

Stop altering yourself to suit the expectations of Mr Right. If he is Mr Right, he will take you as you are. Yes, there might be a need to trim off some edges and sharpen some corners but it will not require you losing yourself completely. It will not require cutting off your friends who have stood by you through thick and thin and encouraged you. It will not require you giving up what you’ve enjoyed doing all your life. And this is not the fault of Mr Right; it’s yours for thinking you have to modify and lose yourself in order to win him over. Learn to live for yourself. Enjoy the same things you used to enjoy. Don’t set the stage for future depression amidst a life of abundance. Keep your friends close, confide in them. Mr Right won’t hate you for living for yourself; he will most likely value you more. XOXO

Are You Afraid of God's Will?

Many of us often utter the words “may God’s will be done” but deep in our hearts, we are trembling with fear at the possibility of what God’s will is. What if God’s will involves a 40 year sojourn in the wilderness? What if God’s will brings you that ugly husband you can’t stand to look at, not to mention be intimate with? What if God’s will tampers with every single thing you have built up until this point? 

I have observed that as human beings, we are afraid of God’s will. Joseph was shown he’ll be a leader, but he first went through slavery, prison, and all sorts of undeserved punishment before God’s will was fulfilled…. And that was during a time when people lived to be 100s of years. These days, people start praying for death by 100, so we worry God’s will might take too long and we won’t ‘arrive’ on time to be celebrated by our friends, haters and anyone else we want God to show his power to. 

I find that many people bite their tongues when they are about to pray for God’s will. What if God’s will does not put you on Bella Naija, or take you to the oval office in the White House? What if Oprah Winfrey is no longer interested in covering miraculous stories before God’s will is fulfilled. What if God’s will is in complete contradiction to all your dreams and aspirations? 

I used to be like that; I’d pray for God’s will, and then wonder in my head if I can take it. Can I really take my hands off the strings and let God play his tune? This was until I was pushed to the brink of hopelessness where there was absolutely nothing I could do with my own strength. I found myself praying for God’s will without any fear or doubt. Surely, if my ‘control freak’ ways got me into the mess I found myself, God’s will had to be way better. 

You don’t have to get to the brink of hopelessness before you accept God’s will without any fear. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” say the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God is not planning to humiliate you or suppress you. God’s plans are not evil. God’s plans for you are actually bigger than you could ever dream, and more fulfilling than you could ever think. God is on your side. God is rooting for you. God is your cheerleader; God is your supporter. 

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Don’t bite your tongue when you pray for God’s will in your life to be fulfilled. The earlier you start praying for His will for your life to manifest, the quicker your life will be rearranged to bring you peace, riches in abundance, health, and happiness. The sooner you start praying for God’s will for your life without any doubt, the quicker you will be positioned in the right places that will lead you to the fulfilment of your purpose on earth. Start praying for God’s will without any fear or doubt. Don’t let anything be a hindrance to God’s plans for your life. You may have made grand plans for your life, but your plans cannot be bigger than God’s awesomeness. Let God show off in your life with blessings uncountable and joy unspeakable. XOXO.