Do you have answers to these questions before saying “I DO”?

With the kind of problems in Christian marriages today, there's more to ask. You want to be convinced that your marriage will last and not be shaken by anything. Are you really going to stay with this person till death do you part? You should have the mindset that things will come up that will really make you think otherwise, but the thought of divorce should not be an option. Together you can work on any problem, but if your mate won't agree to such; you should play your part.

There are so much to be given in Marriage i.e. in marriage, giving should be reciprocal. No party should be seen as the recipient all the time, hence the need for a balance. It is pertinent to know that before committing yourself to this whole marriage idea, you have to give up certain things like the “I” factor in decision making, fashion taste, lifestyle, food choices, ostentatious spending etc.

Here's Why You're Stuck In a Rut

forbes.com

At some point in your life, you may feel like you're stuck in spite of the effort you're putting into this journey called life. You may start to lack motivation, start to question your journey and the essence of all the right decisions you have made, and why God is just not hearing you. You may even start to think about all the sins you committed in the past that God is only just beginning to punish you for, and the opportunities that questioned your moral code but could have probably worked out. This thing of being stuck in a rut is hectic and I have been there. I can tell you now that all the sins you committed in the past hold nothing against you as long as you have confessed them and sought the forgiveness of God, you are good. Trust me, God's grace comes in waves and not in droplets. Those not-so-moral opportunities that pass you by? Thank God you didn't take them. You might have ended up in a bigger rut than the one you're in. 

If none of the above-mentioned reasons can explain why you are stuck in a rut, then what is the real issue? 

#1 You have stopped taking charge of your life: So many people would be greater than they are if they will stop going with the motions and start making intentional decisions. This is probably you over the past few years- stayed at the same job, never bothered to look for something better with zest, never bothered to study further for a promotion, or even take a training course to improve yourself. The problem here is you have stopped looking at possibilities for your life, and are now hibernating. If this is where you are at, your situation can easily be changed by your determination. Get up, stop walking around with drooped shoulders and a bowed head. Search for opportunities that will make you better and start to make intentional plans towards them. You will feel revived, have something to look forward to, and subsequently escape the rut you are in. 

Drop the Dead Weight of Exes

If there is one thing many people struggle with after a seemingly good relationship ends, it is moving on. By moving on, I don't necessarily mean moving on to a new relationship. Many people move to new relationships without really moving on from their last relationship. By moving on, I mean leaving whatever hurt, whatever worked, and the hope that things might be restored at some point behind. Unfortunately this is easier said than done.

Moving on completely is difficult because an ex is like a comfort zone. Many people keep hoping for their relationships with their exes to be restored for two simple reasons: 1.) they believe they cannot connect with anyone else as well as they did with their ex and 2.) they believe erroneously that they are not good enough for anyone else. More often than not, when a relationship ends, people go through feelings of inadequacy where they tend to blame themselves for everything that went wrong. Even in occasions where they blame the other person, they still hope for emotional restitution. What happens with these people is that they keep checking in on their exes, hoping for the perfect opportunity to swoop in and regain their relationship. Sometimes there are no plans to swoop in; rather there is hope that their ex will realize the big mistake ending the relationship was, and come running back...just like in Telemundo. If wishes were horses....

If you intend to be happy, to discover who you are, what you are capable of doing and the amazing relationship opportunities that await you, then you have to drop the dead weight of your ex. You need to step checking on your ex to see how far he or she has gone in life; you need to stop getting depressed because you can't seen to find anyone new and your ex has moved on to two or three new people. You need to stop looking back and wondering about what could have been. If it should have been, it would have, but it isn't, why punish yourself? It is sad when relationships end, but the end of a relationship is not the end of 'lovability'. There is someone else out there who will stick with you through thick and thin. However to meet that person, to see how much that person cares, to let yourself receive love, you must stop carrying the dead weight of your ex around. It's hurting your life and it's not worth it. Go on! Open yourself to new possibilities!

T D Jakes Favorite moment as a Father

I came across this video of Bishop T D Jakes and his son. He publicly showed his affection for his son who was going away to Columbia University.

A touching moment.

Finance Issue - Ugly Power Struggle in Marriage

Money tends to bring about arguments in relationships, if not properly addressed. You can't have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money. The issue of finance in marriage should be thoroughly discussed by both partners before marriage or in the first month of marriage. Some couples shouldn't talk about money because it only leads to fights. You might want to address the issue of:

• Joint account – Do you need one or not? What is the risk involved in having one? 
• Separate accounts i.e. one for kids’ school fees, another for extended family, another for day to day expenses like grocery, subscription bills, etc. 
• Personal Account where you can control your own savings and spending – Can you both have a personal account in order to avoid conflict. 
• Both Accounts i.e. Joint and Personal Accounts. 

Both couple should make financial decisions together so that they don't grow apart if done solely. We all have personal differences when it comes to spending, saving and accounting for money and this should not pose problems in our relationship. A partner may question the other partner's financial decision when one party is unemployed and solely depends on the other partner; the employed partner wants to question every cent the unemployed partner spends and even wants to take all the financial decisions because they bring the money. 

Don't Fall into the Capability Trap! Relationship Advice For You

The capability trap - so subtle, yet so crippling in future. Unfortunately, many people walk into it, and end up making relationship decisions that affect them in the long run. The capability trap syndrome is prevalent in many relationships today, because at first glance, it does not look like a bad thing. If anything at all, it gives many people, especially women a much need self-esteem boost. The big question is what exactly is it? 

I have recently observed and spoken to a few people in relationships where their choices of partners have been based on the adequacy and ability of that partner to fulfill certain needs. And that does not sound like a bad thing. At the end of the day, most of us want partners we can vibe with, win with, and scale hurdles with. However, and this is a big however, when that is the only reason you are choosing your partner, or the only reason you are being chosen, you have fallen into the capability or adequacy trap as I call it

What does the capability trap feel like? It makes you feel like you are adequate, full stop. Your partner relies on you for advice, for information, for help because he or she knows that you are handy in these things. However (and this is another big however), the relationship he or she has with you does not go beyond that point. You are respected because you can make things happen, but when you are emotional, irritable and hurt by anything, you are left to deal with it on your own. In fact, in many capability traps, the 'capable partner' is hardly considered when emotional decisions are being made. The attraction and interest begins and ends when there is a situation that needs to be handled. You will be praised for your ability to handle these issues, but never truly valued or nurtured. 

How do people fall into the capability trap? By feeling they need to prove their worth to their partners. Many people bend over backwards 'unnecessarily' (note the quote marks and italics) to prove they are worth being with, worth staying with, worth marrying, This creates the impression that they are not as important as their partner and gives that partner the impression that his/her needs will always be satisfied. Why is that such a bad thing? It doesn't lead you to your desired destination of genuine love and respect because you cannot earn love. By walking into the capability trap, you are putting yourself in a position where your partner constantly withdraws from you emotionally, intellectually and in every other possible way, and only makes superficial deposits that are meaningless in the long run. 

How do you get out? Simple. Stop trying to earn love or approval. Bend over backwards only when necessary. Put your needs at the forefront too, and always fully express how you feel. Don't get caught in a trap by trying to motivate for the things your bring to the table. As much as you want to vibe with your partner and clear hurdles for him or her, first be sure that you'll get the same treatment, not just superficially but emotionally too. You deserve as much as you invest in someone else. First be loved, and genuinely so, before you lay the table. XOXO

5 Marital Lies You Might Have Believed

Some marriages might have survived if the people involved in them got married with the right orientation. There are many misconceptions about marriage and some of them have been said so much that we have become conditioned to believe them. Asides from being misleading, some of these misconceptions can have dire consequences if left unchecked. Many marriages crash because of such unattainable assumptions. 

Below is a list of lies we believe.

Image via www.pinterest.com

If someone loves you, the person wouldn’t hurt you: People we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us. We are not perfect beings and so we err sometimes. There are times we hurt the ones we love not because we intend to, but more because of our human nature. 

Marriage thrives on open mindedness and forgiveness but if we have conditioned ourselves to not make room for any kind of mistake, it becomes really hard to forgive. As controversial as this may sound, I believe a marriage can survive grave offences such as infidelity depending on the circumstances. You just need to understand that making mistakes doesn’t automatically mean that your spouse loves you less.

You can change your spouse: Love sometimes make us go into the superhuman mode. We find ourselves taking on projects that are sometimes futile. We assume that love would automatically erase habits that have been formed by our proposed spouse over a long period of time. More often than not, we find that this isn’t true. Habits are very hard to break and it is better for one to not go ahead with a marriage if it is one that one cannot cope with. This doesn’t mean that people don’t change at all but it isn’t guaranteed. Change also doesn’t become achieved by constant ranting and nagging.