Should Your Partner Dictate Your Career?

My answer is a big NO!

I am back in the habit of having interesting conversations with friends, acquaintances and even random individuals about relationships, the dynamics involved, and the pitfalls couples have to sometimes work through in order to get to their 'happy place'. I found it rather surprising when one of such discussions with a male acquaintance went rather awry after he insisted he must have control over his partner's career. I tried to pacify him, explain it to him, and even tried to understand the direction he was coming from, I just couldn't. Nothing I said worked, nothing he said convinced me, and I ended the day with headache pills. 

I always try my best to make it clear that being in a relationship does not and should not lead to a loss of individuality. Before a relationship begins, there are two individuals with different plans for their lives, and perhaps different ideas on how they intend to live. Of course, the development of love will bring about compromise in different areas, however there is a limit to how much compromise one can make. 

Some people are career-driven; they have big dreams about where their careers are heading and they hope to follow through whichever way they can, without sacrificing their family time. I find it rather disturbing that some spouses become troubled by the idea of their partner following a career, and instead of providing support, they offer emotional blackmail, criticism and lots of threats. This is especially common amongst men who believe women should only be limited to the kitchen and to the childbearing ward in hospitals. The idea of a woman attempting to pursue a career just does not sit well with them, and they make that clear. I have no problem with that, the only issue I have is with the women who agree to sacrifice their happiness for the purpose of serving someone else while he pursues his happiness. 

I am not asking people to replace love with their jobs, nor am I asking them to be power-hungry, selfish individuals who do not care about their families. What I am saying is that being in a relationship doesn't mean you should lose sight of your dreams and aspirations. It is not a license to lose sense of your individuality. Your happiness, emotional health and mental health are important and should be treated as such. If your career contributes to your happiness, then go for it. If your spouse doesn't understand, then he's not selfless enough to let you enjoy a little happiness. Like Dr. Phil once said, "if a person asks you to sacrifice the whole of your being just so you can become half of him/her, that person's asking for way too much!"

Making A Case For Housewives(A Cry For Appreciation)

I was raised in a business oriented family. My mum worked as hard, scratch that, harder than my dad. I was taught to see the woman as one with an inexplicable reservoir of strength. This lesson wasn't taught consciously but it was what I came to believe watching my mum juggle work, home and social life. She seemed to be larger than life. I never could picture a stay at home mother, my young mind concluded they had to be lazy to be caught up in such situations. It didn't matter that they cleaned all day, prepared food, helped with the children’s homework and a host of other things women are involved in.

Being where I am now, I can say with no shame that my thoughts about this class of women was so ill informed. They are indeed the unsung heroes of this time. They are the ones that have given up on all other dreams just to make sure every other person’s dream in a home is actualized.

Contrary to societal belief, a housewife is a master at some of the greatest tasks most people struggle with. She is a great bookkeeper. Being able to stay within the constraint of a budget is one thing the average housewife has to master. I still try very much to find this balance and half of the time, I almost go mad at making the same mistakes every other time.

One of a woman’s greatest challenges is making food both delicious and delighting. In this part of the world, the dishes are restricted and it takes a lot of creativity to keep one’s husband and children interested in meal times. For me, all I have to worry about is sometimes one meal of the day. I really wonder how the woman that plans three meals everyday does it. It is so commendable but not many people appreciate this.

The housewife is indoors most times deeply vested in house chores. She does or pick up the laundry and many more things. It is a far cry from the life she probably envisioned, one with her ambition of great career success. She loses touch with real situations. Her confidence sometimes become very questionable. She is not sure when to talk or what exactly to talk about. Her life sometimes seem to her unrecognizable but then her husband complains of his meal tasting bland. She can’t understand it. All she asks for is a little recognition of her contribution.

I watched a movie the other day and the man in the movie kept making reference to the fact that his wife had all she wanted and had no reason to be tired, since all she does is just taking care of their three kids and the home. That’s the painful assumption of most men. Most women working and ‘non-working’ feel underappreciated. You’ll do well to take time out and acknowledge the efforts of that woman in your life today.

Being a housewife is a full time job. Trust me, half the stress she feels will be reduced if you appreciate her contributions and sacrifices.

 Photo Credit: istockphoto.com

How To Get Out Of The Friendzone(Guys)

Nothing hurts more than loving another with little hope of being loved back same way. It’s really disheartening to hear one’s love go on and on about another. Often times, you might even have to console that special one that holds the key to your heart through a heartbreak. She might see you as a caring and fun friend, someone she can always rely on no matter what. But that is where the issue lies, the relationship never goes past that. You are a very good friend and nothing more. Do you ever wonder how you can get out of that messy situation?

First things first. We need to recognize what the real issue is here because chances are she is just not into your kind of person. Women are almost 100% sure they are into you from the first few hangouts. So, you either become more than friends or she reaches the conclusion that you can only make ‘good friends’. There is no big explanation to this other than that you are not just her type. If you fall in this category honey, you need to keep walking. You would be begging for her love and that way you would make yourself opened for exploitation. You don’t want to be caught up in situations such as this. As they say, there are lots of fishes in the ocean. Be a wise fisherman.

However there is the other situation whereby she knows you are interested in her but needs you to man up and step up to your feelings by voicing it out or doing something to signal your intentions like setting up a date. It is not enough that you are hovering all over her like insects on a petal. Most people in this category are the ones that are scared they might ruin the friendship by asking the girl out. Thing is you need to think of yourself and your feelings too because you also matter. What is the essence of a friendship where you are miserable 99.9% of the time.  It is also possible that you asked her out at some point and she said she just wants to be friends and now, you don’t know how to get yourself out of this fix.  Well, it is time to get you out of you misery.

Most importantly, you need to improve yourself. Women can’t get enough of a successful man, she needs to know you are so much better than just a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Improve yourself intellectually and physically. Some women improve their looks through the use of make ups but as a man you need to groom yourself. Get a nice hair cut, exercise and get that chiseled look if you can. Just make sure you improve yourself. It not only gets you noticeable but it helps with your confidence.

Spend time out with other people. There is a popular saying that nobody wants what someone else doesn’t want. Don’t choke her by spending all your free time with her. Give her some time to miss you .

She will probably notice the changes in you and you are sure to perceive her changed attitude towards you if she is interested in you. Move on it and take her out on a date or something.

Note however that if you fall in the first category I mentioned earlier, she is probably not going to change towards you because you are just not her type. If this happens, look for someone else and  stop wasting your time my brother.

Photo Credit:freshprintmagazine.com

Let Your Relationship Be About You

It is really interesting to sit and listen to people talk about how amazing their relationship is. This is especially common amongst women; men tend to talk about football, food, women, politics and cars...yeah they hardly talk about books. Women on the other hand seem to be in a competition with all the other women that exist in the world. They speak about their 'not-so-perfect' relationships in such perfect manners that you may be convinced the man they are speaking about is not from mars like the others but from Pluto. They spend hours talking about how he does everything perfectly, including chewing his food (like seriously, who cares?) Whether you care or not, you may have been in my shoes a couple of times, forced to listen to this perfect embodiment of the word 'man', thinking you ought to 'jump ship' off your relationship and swim off to the green shore that is based on a simple probability of 'maybe/maybe not'.

I have often wondered why women feel the need to boast, camouflage, hide and conceal the horrors of their relationship. Why do we have the unreasonable and unnecessary desire to outshine one another? I think I know the answer- we make our relationships about everyone else, and not really ourselves.

A male friend lamented to me recently that he was forced to take his girlfriend out on a date every single day because she wanted her friends to believe they were rolling in style, living the good life, and spending the big bucks. She wanted her friends to admire her as the lady who got the perfect man- a man who cares to her every whim, eats from the palm of her hands and is as loyal as a newborn puppy. Of course he didn't mind the loyalty part but he found the rest of his 'job specification' rather exhausting. Many of us are like my friend's ex. Our relationships are not about us and the person we're with. Instead, our relationships are about impressing our friends, outshining them and making them believe we got the cream of the crop. It doesn't matter if we spend the entire day fighting with our spouses, the important thing to us is to save face in public by stepping out in style, laughing together and of course keeping up the facade we believe earns us respect amongst our peers.

I find it hilarious, sickening, mind numbing and just downright exhausting! Your relationship is between you and your spouse, not between you, your spouse and your circle of friends. It is highly immature and unnecessary to put up a facade simply for the purpose of outshining everyone else. Your relationship is not a reality show, nor is it an audio channel for creating false impressions; it is a union between two people who should be the center of the relationship (not necessarily attention) at all times. XOXO

The New Age of 'Marriage Prophecies' in Nigeria

This is not a new trend, but it is fast becoming a widespread one; the prospect of marriage now brings fear more than anything, and people are keen more than ever to ensure they do not make mistakes when choosing a partner. It seems marriage is developing into a phobia of its own without people really being aware of it.

I never really paid much attention to how people are misled when it comes to marriage; I always assumed their mistakes were solely theirs, not influenced by any external factors. However, these days, I am beginning to question the need and the authenticity around the ideas of marriage, and some scary prophecies unsuspecting victims are exposed to. My first question is why on earth do people, especially ladies go to prophets to seek futuristic prophecies regarding who they want to marry? Why is it a necessity to know if your future husband will be successful, the kinds of different kinds of trials you may face along the way and the big question- to know if you are a match made in heaven? It is not surprising, with all these questions constantly playing on people's minds that marriage prophecy is the new business in town.

I once met a lady who was told she couldn't marry the man she was in love with because he is lighskinned. He's not a murderer or a slave trader..nope...he's lightskinned and that's just it. Other men who approached her had their flaws too according to these prophecies- they were either too rich, too gentle, too handsome or some other flimsy excuse that could not hold water. Being an obedient child, she followed these prophecies and guides till she found herself knocking at the door of 38, with all her suitors married with kids and living HAPPILY! Many women fall into this trap; they believe they need to seek the face of a prophet to decide if the man who has proven beyond reasonable doubt that he wants to be there for them every second of the day is the right man. Why can't you pray for yourself and let God minister to you? Will it be from the mouth of another man that you hear if you've met your God-chosen husband? What happened to your personal relationship with God? Why are we so lazy to approach God ourselves that we end up falling victim to fraudulent spiritual practices that may affect our lives negatively forever?

Perhaps back in the day, those prophecies were reliable; things were not so difficult economically, so people did not need to scam others as much as they do now. These days, it's a dog-eat-dog world, with everyone trying to be the smartest dog! Let's assume the 'prophet' can truly see things, what are the chances of him telling you your man is truly the one for you? How will get you to return for more prayers (which you will pay for by the way) if he gives you exactly what you want the first time? It is sad that some people bank on the fears of individuals to swindle them, but what's worse is that Christians are beginning to act like they have no access to God through prayer. They prefer to exalt the words of men who are prone to sin over the word God drops in their hearts when they pray for a partner. I had to write this because I know many people keep falling victim to these 'prophecies, losing out on love, and ending up in very disturbing and unhappy marriages. Let who you marry be God's choice and yours only!

Do you know anyone who has been a victim of false marriage prophecies? Do share! XOXO

Have You Heard From God Regarding Your Future Spouse?

Before you walk down the aisle, it is a key factor that you are sure your future spouse is the one. While many people may rely on pure intuition and emotions, there are people who rely on directions from God. No one wants to marry the wrong person, that's for sure, but how do you know for sure that the person you've chosen is the one for you?

I recently read a couple of posts about women who were in search of a future partner. Both women had solid friendships with men who were prayerful, strong in the church and could chase demons for a hundred miles without growing weary. These characteristics seemed attractive, but for some reason, these women were unsure of whether or not they wanted to go forward.

One of them stated clearly that her dilemma laid in the fact that she was yet to meet any other guy at 25, and in spite of the obvious lack of attraction to this godly brother, she was willing to walk into marriage with him. It made me question the growing desire to know for sure that we're indeed in a relationship with the right person. How do we know it is a union God has blessed?

Three Reasons Your Relationship Might Fail

Every relationship has a chance of failing, however there are some efforts we put in ourselves to contribute to the demise of our relationships. Often times, external influences are our role models/major factors that cause us to slowly decapitate an otherwise beautiful relationship. Here are three reasons why your relationship might fail if you are not vigilant.

• Drama: The fastest way to frustrate your partner and destroy your relationship is to create unnecessary drama. For some reason, some people are so comfortable with creating drama, they revel in it. Without it, they get bored, believe the relationship lacks a certain vava-voom, and generally believe they are hanging with the wrong person. Some people try to emulate the dramatic reality shows they see on TV, believing their relationships ought to have the unnecessary fights, the public display of anger and of course the 'kiss and make up' faction that makes everything seem perfect. Stop the drama, no really, please do. It is unnecessary, exhausting for mature minds and just downright irritating. If you want your relationship to go the distance, stop pulling stories out of thin air, building them up in your head and creating a whole scene around them! If it's from your imagination, it's not worth fighting over!

• Insecurity: Too many people are insecure - men and women alike. Insecure men try to either control their women or they become wimps that care to her every whim. Insecure women on the other hand, either become victims of emotional and physical abuse, or they try to dominate their men in a bid to make themselves feel better. Insecurities play a very big role in the destruction of relationships, and weird enough, no one is picking up on that! Asking your partner to report his or her every move, going through his or her cellphone to know who they've been texting or chatting with, are all signs that are concurrent with the idea of a self-confessed private investigator, who is too scared to be in a room by himself. Stop the insecurities! So your partner is out with friends, that is no assurance that he or she is cheating! Before the relationship, your partner was an individual with a life filled with work or friends or family, or a combination of all three. That will not change simply because you are in an exclusive relationship. Everyone needs time out with other people every now and then. Take a chill pill!

• Apathy: Now, this is probably the worst one of all. The development of apathy on any side of a relationship means there is an unshakable lack of concern, emotion, or even enthusiasm. Many people develop apathy in their relationships without realizing it; they stop trying to look good for their partner, they stop going on dates, they stop giving compliments, and generally just assume anything their partner does for them is a right they possess. Apathy is often evident by the lack of appreciation even for little things, the lack of admiration and most importantly, the lack of interest in whatever their partner has to say. Apathy is definitely a dangerous relationship killer, but it can be overcome by making conscious effort to make your partner feel special. This may not be achieved by buying an expensive piece of jewelry; even the little things will help. A sincere compliment every now and then, conversation, and simply just taking note of the little changes in your partner can turn things around for good. Talking, laughing and praying together are the strongest weapons against apathy!

You can save your relationship or marriage if you make the necessary effort. \

XOXO