Marriage: An Institution of Equality, Not Similarity

 Whenever I have discussions with my friends about marriage, different opinions creep up. One interesting opinion that always builds the base for an argument is that of equality in marriage. Many people including myself believe that spouses in marriage are created to be equal. However, I believe many people mistake equality for similarity. For some reason I cannot comprehend, we expect that males and females should approach situations in similar ways. I am an astute observer of people, and I can tell you today that marriage is an institution of equality, not similarity.

I read an interesting post by a famous Nigerian actress who stated that her husband does not apologize to her in the conventional sense; in other words, he doesn't utter the magic words that constitute an apology. Instead, he cajoles her, perhaps tickles her, maybe buys her something to show he's sorry.... Many readers of that post went on and on about how her husband is arrogant, not a good man, bla bla... I on the other hand saw it from a different angle. Some people are remorseful, but believe that the words 'I'm sorry' are so cliché, they are not worth uttering. It doesn't mean they do not view their partners as equals, or believe their partners can easily be bought with a kind gesture. 

The problem I see is that many people go into marriage with the expectation that their partners will approach situations the way they expect them to. We want our partners to apologize a certain way, speak a certain way at all times and understand how we feel every single time time. The issue is that is impossible! You are not married to your siamese twin, you are married to someone who was exposed to a different environment from yours. You might be equal in your marriage, but you can't be similar in anyway. The sooner couples start to understand it, the easier marriage will be. 

Between You,Your Spouse and God

It is interesting how as a society we can measure wrongs based on gender. I am not about to write this post by unveiling my viciously feministic alter ego, no! I will spare you the pains of listening to my riddled thoughts on unbalanced scales of the gender.

I am not even going to go into details on how four men at work were unashamedly chattering about their affairs. I am also not going to rant about how I find the fact, that the wife of one of the men packs him condoms, befuddling. What is wrong with women not having standards? *sighs*

I will try very much to keep this post devoid of pained feministic opinions. It is one intended for you to reflect on simple moral values.

I read of a woman who cheated on her husband of 23years after she found out that he bragged to one of his numerous mistresses that his wife was ok with his philandering ways.  Of course, people judged her and told her just how shameless she is. How can a married woman even conceive such a thought and carry such out? Is one of the predominant questions most people asked.

Truth be told I am sick of how many times I have heard the sentence ‘a man will always be a man’. I am not an advocate of avenging another’s wrong by committing more wrong but I suppose sanity can be achieved by acknowledging we all are accountable for our actions irrespective of who we are.

There are certain values that should never be compromised. I understand temptations abound but one needs to bear in mind that only guilt and betrayal outlives that short moment of selfish desire.

Spontaneity is good but in situations preceeding adultery, you need to stop and think, would you be able to live with the consequences that follow? I have seen families that have been destroyed because of short misplaced and uncontrolled passion.

Do as you would be done by. If your spouse were in your shoes , would you forgive him/her after such act?. By all means, respect your partners’ feelings.

 Lots of work goes into building trust in a relationship, don’t mock all that hardwork by acting selfishly. Think of the aftermath.

What company are you keeping, the Yorubas have a saying that “a sheep that walks with a dog will eat faeces”. You need to be your own person. In a world where sin has become the fad, dare to be the weird one.

Have you asked yourself what Jesus would do in your situation? Being a Christian goes farther than paying tithes and attending services, it is a lifestyle. Flee from sin my dear.

Forget what the society thinks is right or wrong, your vow is between you, your spouse and your God.  Man or woman , whoever you are , we all are accountable to the same God.

Photo Credit: dreamstime.com

Make Your Mark Today

Chaz B

A few months ago I was home in Nigeria for a couple of weeks. During an afternoon drive with my mum and sister, we listened to a show on the radio. I think it was "sharing life issues with Chaz B". It was rather entertaining, it was enlightening. I laughed at some of the issues that were discussed, and I found the advice Chaz B whose full name I now know is Charles Bruce Chukwuma, eye-opening and mature. He had the appropriate attitude, the right approach, and the most heart-warming responses to people's questions. He offered real help whenever he could, and reminded people of God's importance in their lives. I loved the show! It lacked the general air of affectation most of the radio shows I've listened to in Nigeria had. Imagine my shock a few minutes ago when I heard that Chaz B passed away!

How? Why? When? Just a few days ago, I was trying to come to terms with the death of Myles Munroe and his wife, now this? I hear people say it everyday that life is too short, and I now know that no matter how long we live, our lives will be too short for all we can achieve. For us to feel a sense of fulfillment during our last few breaths, we need to make our marks in our own little way.

Are You Falling Through The Bottomless Pit of Depression?

There are times when we feel like the walls are closing in on us, and we don't have the strength to push them apart. We find ourselves constantly pondering over issues we cannot find solutions to, we find ourselves suffering from intense insomnia even after exhausting ourselves through hard work during the day. We slowly find ourselves withdrawing from the company of others, caught in a personal fable where we believe no one else can understand what we are going through, not even God.

Depression is an illness that catches a lot of people unawares; it is not like flu, where you get symptoms like headaches, fever, or the occasional blocked sinus. It creeps in when you let your guard down, and before you know it, you are mad at the world, or worse, disconnected from the world. A lot of research has gone into helping depressed individuals, however, in spite of the many anti-depressants on the market, people still commit suicide, get addicted to drugs, or even lose sight of their purpose in life, and just end up floating through. To tell depressed people to just snap out of it might seem mean right? But what if it works?

Like happiness, depression is a state of mind. It may creep in on you unawares, but it cannot steal all your strength. Taking pills may help you for a while because they release your 'happy hormones', but they can only last for so long. Depression is a battle of the mind, and it is definitely not a battle for the faint-hearted. You need to 'snap out of it', and take control of your mind. It is easier said than done, but it is not impossible to overcome depression. By changing the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning, you can change the way your mind perceives situations, and the way you approach each day. Depression is a disease that robs the infected of any joy they may dare to enjoy, as well as destroy any meaningful connection they have with loved ones. I see depression as an abusive partner that isolates his or her prey, constantly robs the unsuspecting prey of their self-esteem and creates an illusion that they can never meet anyone else that would treat them better.

How do you put an end to abuse?

When Your Spouse's ex Just Won't Go Away

Dealing with a spouse's ex is probably everyone's nightmare when they go into a courtship or marriage. The ex is a threat no one wants to deal with; by threat, I don't mean the ex is a rival. Sometimes, just hearing little bits of the things your spouse did with his or her ex is enough to make you feel envious and perhaps competitive. In some cases, your spouse may not be into the ex, but what do you do when that ex just doesn't get the point?

From the many stories I've heard and read, women are the ones who are mostly faced with the ex issue and their reactions most of the time make me wonder if we know about energy conservation laws. There's often that ex girlfriend whose 'ghost' lingers in marriage- she calls once in a while to check up on your spouse, she asks for money once in a blue moon, she calls to complain about her boyfriend to your spouse...and if she's not doing any of this, she has a supporters' club filled with people who believe she would have been a better match for your husband. How do you handle an ex like that? Yell the house down? sulk around the house, refuse to cook dinner? Call her and tell her to go to hell and combust into ashes? Send her bible verses to send her on a guilt trip? Or do you call her to meet for lunch and gently try to cajole her into leaving your spouse? 

Save your energy! That's my advice for every woman who has to deal with the issue of the ever-present ex. It may sound too simple, may sound like you are not fighting for your marriage but believe me it works. Why fight? Marriage is not a war! Learn to treat your partner's ex like a stranger at the bus-stop- someone you do not pay much attention to or feel the need to speak about when you arrive home. Stop making your spouse's ex a topic of discussion in your marriage; stop asking if she has been in touch recently or if she is making moves on him. If you have a good man, he will tell you of every development if there's any. You don't need to go after her, raining curses on her or sending 'destructive prayers'. You are married to your spouse, not her! Don't give her a throne in your home, don't let her be the bone of contention between you and your spouse. Don't let your insecurities overcome your confidence. Be confident in the knowledge that your spouse chose you because he saw what he needs in you. If he wanted his ex, he wouldn't have had any reason to come for you. Make your marriage private, avoid letting outsiders like your spouse's ex into your home through unnecessary conversations that lead to bitterness. 

Marriage will have its ups and downs. It will have its days of joy and days when tears will threaten to roll down your cheeks. Don't let your spouse's ex be an additional burden in your marriage. See him or her as a child; if you ignore a crying child long enough, he goes to sleep. Trust in your spouse's love, and save your energy for your marriage. XOXO

Set Your Own Pace In Your Relationship

There are set societal standards we are expected to follow when we go into relationships.  There are stages we are expected to follow, and in some cases, these stages are attached to certain time limits.

Recently,  I've been observing and reading stories of couples on wedding blogs. When I read some stories where the grooms said they fell in love at first sight,  or knew they would marry their bride after three dates, I wrinkled my nose, laughed out loud and ended my derision with 'yeah right'. However when I took some time to think about the pace in relationships,  I couldn't help but admit that there should not be any set durations for relationships. 

Some couples meet and know from the first day that they are meant to be. For some couples,  it may take months, while others may take years. I asked myself what determines the pace of a relationship? Is it the number of dates,  the amount of fun activities done together? Or the amount if time spent spwaking to each other? I came to the conclusion that the relationship pace is set by what couples talk about.  So many couples spend a lot of time together, but don't have quality conversations.  Of course society looks at such couples and decides after a few years that they are ready to embark on a marital journey. Few years down the line, the cracks begin to show and people wonder what went wrong.  On the other hand,  some couples date for a few months before marriage, and go on to have the best marriages ever.

I have come to the conclusion that couples should set their own pace, and not necessarily attempt to follow the standards set by society.  After all,  it's not about how long the relationship is, but how well a couple connects.

What Do You Bring To The Table?

These days I feel like I constantly need to ask some people this question. I find myself wondering if it is a question people should now ask each other before they go into a relationship. My ears have recently been filled with complaints from both males and females about their partners, I can't help but wonder if some presumably normal people are highly delusional.

Many relationships are in crisis for one of two reasons- both parties don't know what they bring to the table or one party comes to the table with empty hands, hoping to get as much as they can without giving anything in return. In some cases, some people bring what they deem fit to the table only to find out somewhere down the line that no one is really interested in the adulterated goods they are offering.

As an individual, what you bring to the table will be directly proportional to the value you add to yourself. You can't offer anything if you have no value within yourself. Many people scale through life hoping that they will meet a saviour along the way that will solve their problems, give them all they need and not expect them to give anything to the relationship. It is the most hilarious ideology I've ever heard, but certainly not the strangest. Some women believe if they can offer sex, then they are the best thing any man could have. That certainly sets me rolling on the floor. Anyone in the world can have sex; it takes much more than that to keep the relationship going. 

What do you bring to the table as individual? If you were left alone at the table, would you be satisfied with what you've served? If the answer is no, then you have more work to do. If the answer is 'maybe', then you still have some things to iron out. There are many of us that fail to constantly improve ourselves because we are either lazy or waiting for someone else we can become half of. If what you bring to the table is excellent quality, becoming half of someone else won't be something you'd consider. Before you go into a relationship, ponder over this question. Your response may determine how your relationship will turn out. Stay blessed