Thursday, November 20, 2014

When Your Spouse's ex Just Won't Go Away

Dealing with a spouse's ex is probably everyone's nightmare when they go into a courtship or marriage. The ex is a threat no one wants to deal with; by threat, I don't mean the ex is a rival. Sometimes, just hearing little bits of the things your spouse did with his or her ex is enough to make you feel envious and perhaps competitive. In some cases, your spouse may not be into the ex, but what do you do when that ex just doesn't get the point?

From the many stories I've heard and read, women are the ones who are mostly faced with the ex issue and their reactions most of the time make me wonder if we know about energy conservation laws. There's often that ex girlfriend whose 'ghost' lingers in marriage- she calls once in a while to check up on your spouse, she asks for money once in a blue moon, she calls to complain about her boyfriend to your spouse...and if she's not doing any of this, she has a supporters' club filled with people who believe she would have been a better match for your husband. How do you handle an ex like that? Yell the house down? sulk around the house, refuse to cook dinner? Call her and tell her to go to hell and combust into ashes? Send her bible verses to send her on a guilt trip? Or do you call her to meet for lunch and gently try to cajole her into leaving your spouse? 

Save your energy! That's my advice for every woman who has to deal with the issue of the ever-present ex. It may sound too simple, may sound like you are not fighting for your marriage but believe me it works. Why fight? Marriage is not a war! Learn to treat your partner's ex like a stranger at the bus-stop- someone you do not pay much attention to or feel the need to speak about when you arrive home. Stop making your spouse's ex a topic of discussion in your marriage; stop asking if she has been in touch recently or if she is making moves on him. If you have a good man, he will tell you of every development if there's any. You don't need to go after her, raining curses on her or sending 'destructive prayers'. You are married to your spouse, not her! Don't give her a throne in your home, don't let her be the bone of contention between you and your spouse. Don't let your insecurities overcome your confidence. Be confident in the knowledge that your spouse chose you because he saw what he needs in you. If he wanted his ex, he wouldn't have had any reason to come for you. Make your marriage private, avoid letting outsiders like your spouse's ex into your home through unnecessary conversations that lead to bitterness. 

Marriage will have its ups and downs. It will have its days of joy and days when tears will threaten to roll down your cheeks. Don't let your spouse's ex be an additional burden in your marriage. See him or her as a child; if you ignore a crying child long enough, he goes to sleep. Trust in your spouse's love, and save your energy for your marriage. XOXO

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