Ladies Avoid a Man If He Says Any of These Things

Many women go into relationships with hopes and aspirations of enjoying a blissful time with an amazing partner. However, with time, the relationship turns sour and they find themselves facing loads of false accusations, derogatory words and all sorts of emotionally abusive expressions. The truth is many abusive men do not show the signs from the beginning, however, there are tiny little things you can pay attention to that may save you from heartache, and keep potentially abusive men at bay. Here are some of the things a man might say that you should pay attention to. 

#1 “You are intimidating”: This is not a compliment so don’t blush. It is a veiled attack on your personality, but you should not rise to defend it. Don’t say “I’m not! If you get to know me better, you’ll see I’m not.” Nah… rather smile, nod your head and keep walking. From personal experience and the experiences of others, I can tell you that a man who tells you you are intimidating is hoping you will lower yourself for his benefit. He is hoping you will droop your shoulders, speak in a lower tone of voice, and stop offering your opinion. Don’t fall for it. 

#2 “You are too strong”: There is no such thing as a woman who is too strong. Many men use this statement to disarm women and force into a mode where they have to prove they are submissive. They are stylishly demanding submission in a way that enables them to exert control over you. Do not fall for this. You are not too strong (there is no such thing). You are strong full stop! And you should be! Given everything you have overcome, no one has the right to chip away at your strength by saying you are just too strong. 

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Musings Of A 'Worrying' Young Mum

I never really loved animations and cartoons while growing up. Not like I loved TV time that much generally, but if I had to watch TV, then, I love for my characters to be human. My imaginations are not that creative I suppose.

 

But in recent times, I have found myself watching so many of the popular and unpopular animations, I even know the studios that produced them. I sometimes feel like I can take a quiz on these animated movies and cartoons and perform excellently. The reason for that is definitely my obsession to try and keep whatever we watch at home child friendly and most of the animated movies have safe themes for kids. I kind of feel like I owe it to my child to help preserve her innocence. I desire for her vocabulary to be devoid of profane words, I desire for her to learn and understand everyday courtesies. 

While scouting for her school, I chose one that has high moral standards because of my perceived thought that I’m in control of who she’ll become. Unconsciously, I am trying to mold her life a certain way. But I have found out that I am not in control at all.

Rebellion - A Cry For Help (Advice for Parents)

I have been made to understand parenting is the most difficult job in the world. I have watched from the side lines as parents try to raise their children with the right values, instill the right moral code, and simply ensure they grow up to be hardworking and productive. Sadly, not all children grow up to fully internalize these lessons at the time their parents want them to. Some children make friends and become rebellious. Sometimes, they appear rebellious when really, they are simply crying out for attention. As a parent, you must learn to know the root cause of this.

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The worst thing any parent can do is to praise one child while highlighting the flaws of another. This is often common amongst parents who have a child or children who have managed to accept all their teachings without any extreme show of rebellion, and that one child who seems to dispel every teaching they try to put out. This leads to unnecessary comparisons – “Your brother is so much better; look at how far he has gone while you are still stuck in this phase”; “Your sister got married because she is so hardworking and well-behaved. You on the other hand are so lazy and unable to attract a good man.”

I’ll tell you now that by comparing one child to the other, you are creating disaster. You are creating a rift between your children, and setting them up to compete with one another rather than work together. It is not advisable to focus on the flaws of any child. Rather, invest your time and energy in noticing what each child does right. Oh yes! Even the worst child on earth has a few good qualities. Rather than hammering on what he or she does not do right, praise the good qualities and encourage them. This will cause your child to engage in those activities more, and this may eventually help to overturn negative characteristics. 

Instead of condemning your child’s rebellion, try to assess your failures as a parent- your lack of attention to his or her feelings, your desire to spend more time with one child and not the other, and your lack of encouragement. Children feel these things and express themselves through rebellion. Learn to love and encourage as a parent. XOXO

Thinking Infidelity?

I find many things troubling about our societal values. I can never truly understand how as a society we can measure wrongs based on gender. Many times when this lapse is pointed out, people are quick to talk about one being feministic but that really isn’t the issue.  I am not about to write this post by unveiling my viciously feministic alter ego. No! I will spare you the pains of listening to my riddled thoughts on unbalanced scales of the genders.

 

I am not even going to go into details about how four married men at work were unashamedly bragging about their extra marital affairs. I am also not going to rant about how I find the fact, that the wife of one of the men packs him condoms, befuddling.

What is wrong with women not having standards? I am sorry I digressed.

I will try very much to keep this post devoid of pained feministic opinions. It is one intended for you to reflect on simple moral values.

I read of a woman who cheated on her husband of 23years after she found out that he bragged to one of his numerous mistresses that his wife was ok with his philandering ways.  Of course, people judged her and told her just how shameless she is. One of the predominant questions most people asked is how a married woman can conceive such thought and carry such out.

Truth be told I am sick of how many times I have heard the sentence ‘a man will always be a man’. I am not an advocate of avenging a wrong by committing more wrong but I suppose sanity can be achieved by acknowledging we all are accountable for our actions irrespective of who we are. There are certain values that should never be compromised. Temptations abound but one needs to bear in mind that only guilt and betrayal outlive that short moment of selfish desire.

When next that ungodly thought creeps in your head, let the following be your guide:-

Stop and Think: - Spontaneity is good but in situations preceding adultery, you need to STOP and THINK. Ask yourself if you would be able to live with the consequences that follow. I have seen families that have been destroyed because of short misplaced and uncontrolled passion. ‘It’s just sex” some say. It is never just sex, trust is broken, people get hurt and many other consequences follow.

Do as you would be done by: - If your spouse were in your shoes, would you forgive him/her after such act? By all means, respect your partners’ feelings. There are no scales of balance on who should be hurt more. Man/ woman, the mandate is same. Lots of work goes into building trust in a relationship, don’t mock all that hard work by acting selfishly. Think of the aftermath.

What company are you keeping: - The Yoruba have a proverb that says “a sheep that walks with a dog will eat faecal matter”. Bottom-line is that you cannot be in the company of adulterers always and be acting like you have a special immunity. You need to choose your friends. In a world where sin has become the fad, dare to be the weird one.

What standards are you holding yourself to: - Have you asked yourself what Jesus would do in your situation? Being a Christian goes farther than paying tithes and attending services, it is a lifestyle. Flee from sin my dear.

Take your vows seriously. Forget what the society think is right or wrong, your vow is between you, your spouse and your God.  Man or woman, whoever you are, we all are accountable to the same God.

Being Single is the Best Phase of Your Life

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I don’t understand why many young women are obsessed with the idea of marriage. These days, even twenty-two year old ladies are on the lookout for someone to marry, and it makes me wonder if they understand how amazing being single is. I’m not saying people should be single forever, but understand that while you are single, you learn a lot about yourself, and that is the best preparation for married life.

I watched ‘How to be Single’ the weekend it was released, and the lesson in the movie, though subtle, was very profound. Many single women out there are so engrossed in the search for a life partner that they are not paying any attention to themselves, their growth, or the life lessons around them. Their time is heavily invested in attracting the right kind of man, dropping subtle hints about proposals, and well, you know how these things roll. 

Your single phase is actually the best phase of your life. This is the phase where you work out your identity. This is the phase where you learn everything you need to know about yourself. This is the phase where you get to work out what you can and cannot tolerate. Many women skip this phase and jump into marriage, only to find themselves in emotionally abusive unions. Many women are so eager to skip the single phase, their identities are heavily dependent on the kind of man who approaches them. If he’s into extreme sports, suddenly, they want to join extreme sports too. If he already has children, then they want to put on mommy jeans; if he is highly educated, then they suddenly have a desire to pursue advanced degrees. If you have been letting the men you meet dictate your identity, then you are yet to learn how to be single. 

As a single woman, aim to be grounded in your self-developed identity, not an identity that is dependent on what society says or the men you meet. Keep yourself busy; earn some money or study if that’s what you want. Get your own apartment; learn how to manage your own funds, how to plan for your day, how to cook, how to clean up after yourself, and how to manage your time. Learn how to pursue your dreams on your own, and surround yourself with amazing friends who support your aspirations. This is what being single is all about – a phase filled with life lessons you cannot learn when you are tied to someone else. 

If you can learn the right lessons as a single woman, marital life with the right man who appreciates your strengths and respects your identity will be fulfilling. XOXO.

My Pastor Said "He Is The One For Me"

I am saddened whenever I see people eating grasses because their pastor instructed them to or when children are almost/sometimes beaten to death because they are said to be possessed by ungodly spirits.

I am sick of hearing people complain about brothers/sisters that they were told by their spiritual heads are their perfect fits turning out to be worse than the devil. My questions to such people are did you seek the face of the Lord concerning the person yourself? Is your pastor in sole possession of the direct line to God? Will the pastor be in the relationship with you?  

There are many empty giants, a Facebook status read, alluding to the starvation of the spirit by many believers.

It read strange at first, but on a closer look, I got what the author of the update meant. It is true that many of us invest more in our physical bodies than we do in our spirits. We are guilty of being really lazy at developing ourselves spiritually. This lapse makes many of us prone to living lives far below what God intended for us. We find ourselves being exploited by people hiding behind the facade of spiritual heads. Your walk with God is a personal journey. Don’t be tricked into believing your future can only be decided by fake prophesies. Doctrines are definitely not the same but one thing is constant- the bible. This is the truth we all need to turn to for guidance instead of believing in things we ought to question.

Our spiritual heads are there to encourage and guide us and at times when their words are contrary to the word of God, the word of God should override.

This knowledge is only made available to us if we take out moments from our very busy lives to feed our souls. This keeps us sharp enough to know when counsels are downright ungodly. Even the bible enjoins us to seek the truth always.

Life is truly filled with uncertainties. If what tomorrow holds were as clear as writings on a paper, many of us wouldn’t be where we are today. One will be smart enough to know from start, the love that is doomed. One will be wise not to be caught in fruitless pursuits. Living life would be so easy and yet so boring. This is because the thrill of life lies in its uncertainties.

The gift of discernment is one of the biggest gifts man’s given. Since we don’t know for certain what tomorrow holds, we owe our lives to the decisions we make because we live with the consequences of whatever decision we make. This is why we ought to keep our souls and spirits nourished with the truth.

I say this especially in relation to relationships. If your pastor says he/she is the one, it doesn’t translate to you throwing caution to the wind and going forward with preparation for marriage. You still have to seek God on your own and try to court the person so you can know for sure if you compatible or not. Many marriages have crashed due to some pastors’ “matchmaking ways”.

Brothers and sisters, let wisdom guide you always. 

Don’t Leave Your Territory Unguarded!

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I have often wondered why good people end up stepping out of their marriages to seek adventure in the arms of someone else. By ‘good people’, I am referring to people who do not have a disposition to cheat, or feel cheating is justified in any way, yet they end up in the arms of someone else, discussing their life’s issues and enjoying the attention they receive.

Last week, I watched Tyler Perry’s temptation; I watched it when it was first released at the cinemas and at that time, my attention was focused solely on the woman. She got tempted by a dark, tall and handsome stranger who waltzed into her life and gave her everything a girl could ever ask for – rides on private jets, designer clothes and shoes, a fancy apartment, money, the good life… the whole nine yards. That was my first understanding of the movie. However, when I watched it again last week, I realized that this woman was actually not dissatisfied because her husband could not give her the finer things in life; she was terribly unhappy because her husband left her unguarded. 

Many married couples take each other for better, for worse, and for granted after a little while. The compliments stop coming; the words of assurance are forcefully offered; birthdays are forgotten, anniversaries are just another day; gifts seize, and well, the spouse becomes another fixture in the home. Romance is lost, and the relationship is nothing more than functional. Then someone comes along and gives all the attention you are not giving. No, it might not even be someone who’s richer; attention is more than enough for most people. You might even find that your spouse is the one with the financial resources in the illicit relationship. 

Stop taking your spouse for granted! Marriage is meant to be functional, but that does not mean it should lose its spark. A compliment here and there will not break your tongue; words of assurance offered to your spouse will not reduce your identity; thoughtful gifts do not have to break your bank account. Sex does not have to be just another encounter. You need to spice things up. You need to guard your territory, and guard it with all you have, not by throwing jealous rages but by continuously expressing your love for your spouse. 

Plan a trip for you and your spouse; plan a project you can both get involved in; take a class together; plan movie nights just for you both. Tell your spouse how good they look; notice new shirts and new hairstyles. Spend quality time together talking and laughing. Give gifts often, even when it is not a special day. Be more involved in your spouse’s life; invest in your partner. These seemingly small gestures make a big difference when a stranger tries to invade your territory. If you don’t guard your spouse, you’re leaving him or her open to invasion. At that point, it’s not about whether or not your spouse is a good person; it’s about the need to be appreciated and loved. XOXO