Monday, April 1, 2013

What If Your Husband Accused You of Cheating

A lady found herself in a sticky situation recently. "I am hurting so much right now. My own husband accused me of having an affair with my boss because my job takes me out of town and I often spend more time at work than at home. I really can't forgive him for these allegations. I actually had the plan to involve an elderly person from his family but now have a change of mind. I am so bitter right now!"

Sometimes it's hard to understand that marriage is not really dependent on managing the rational behaviour of your spouse. It is about managing the irrational behaviour that come up periodically.

If you examine this issue from a purely rational point of view, the husband is being irrational. Implementing an approach that will not lead to the breakdown of the marriage is very important. This kind of accusation has the potential of damaging a marriage permanently so it needs to be handled wisely.

Doing all the RIGHT things conscientiously, come home early when you can, cook his favourite meals, intimacy etc I wouldn't advise involving a third party immediately. But if after some months, there are changes from the him or at least an explanation of how the allegations came about, then one can involve a suitable third party (counselor, pastor etc).

Calling her husband for a face-to-face talk and saying: "Sweetheart, you are accusing me of cheating on you with my boss. This is not true and it hurts me more than you can imagine. However, I have come to realise that the fact that I stay at work much more than I stay at home is a major factor that has led to your suspicion. Hence, I am thinking of leaving my job to kill the suspicion and conflict between us. You do realise that leaving my job is a big risk. Hence, I would like you to help me find an alternative job that is more "marriage friendly", I will also be scouting for other jobs as well. "

I can already hear people asking "How many jobs will she leave because of his mistrust?" The major reason that her husband is accusing her of infidelity is simple - he is thinking to himself: "I am married to this woman, I get to see her much less than she gets to work with her boss. That is not fair!" Then anger and jealousy set-in which is what they are both experiencing. There is no amount of counselling and sweet-talking that will remove this resentment.

However, if she can show him that she is willing to leave the job to assure him of her love, he will understand that her loyalty lies with him. His fear and irrational behaviour will die down.

Her job is creating schism between her and her husband. The least she can do is to indicate her willingness to leave the job to save her marriage. Willingness to do something does not necessarily translate to eventually doing it.

Before a man comes out from silent suspicion to vocal accusations of unfaithfulness  the woman must have been giving out subliminal signs for quite a while.

For women, body language can reveal so much to any man with common sense. There are many signs that women give off when they are violating or on the verge of violating their marital vows. So, I agree, there is no smoke without fire.

When she says that she has not slept with any man, I am inclined to believe her, but..., what else might be going on in the background that is making her husband so uneasy?

Jesus, himself, made it clear that unfaithfulness begins in the mind and that illicit intimacy is just the final manifestation.

So when your trusted and beloved spouse accuses you of infidelity, you should take time to take stock of the subliminal signals you may have been transmitting instead of just getting confrontational.

The bright side is that he or she loves you so much that it hurts to be losing you to another.

Ijeoma Olujekun

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