Thursday, June 6, 2013

Why Some Men Become Emotionally Unavailable?

.For many years I wondered if it was my imagination, because it seemed that many men just became emotionally unavailable after marriage. I really wondered why. You even see it in some relationships before marriage even comes into the picture.

I found out that when humans are overwhelmed by negative emotions, their bodies give them two options: fight (criticize) or flight (withdraw). But is the experience of marriage negative? Of course not but if you have  if their is an absence of mutual support it can be. The reason men tend to go into withdrawal mode is that their cardiovascular systems are much more reactive to stress compared to women’s, making the experience of strong negative emotions extremely uncomfortable.

In order to avoid that sensation, men shut down. So it seems like he has amputated his emotions, he becomes this emotionally-limited, two-dimensional man.Or he will use different ways to protect his emotional self, to hide the hurt. He may learn to respond to any mocking or criticism with defensive aggression, with anger or denial. Or he may adopt a non-caring, sullen attitude.

Unfortunately, rather than making the problem go away, when you tune out in response to a woman's criticism, she feels like she’s not being heard, which makes her criticize in overdrive mode and he then shuts down further - in short, a vicious cycle ensues that can have a major impact on the quality of your relationship. 

So Ladies, you're hurt and/or angry and find yourself saying a whole bunch of things that start with: "I need. I want. You should. You need to. You'd better"? Those phrases come from the dictionary of ENTITLEMENT. Many ladies have it embossed on their hearts

Take a look at Rachel and Jacob fora second. Jacob loved Rachel so much that he labored for her for seven years, “but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her (Gen 29:20) and when he was tricked into marrying Leah he laboured another seven years to get Rachel.

 He wasn't pressured, he wanted to.When you're feeling hurt  and talking with attitude, with your hand on your hip jutting your head side to side in that Egyptian fashion so it's just the chin moving... (you know how we do) saying stuff like"You should, could" or "You really need to", you'll likely not get the kind of reaction you really want. Instead of seeing how you feel, a man will naturally shut down and back even further away from you. 

By simply approaching things differently you can get to the gentle side of your man.
  • Be calm when you present your grievances 
  • When he opens up and wants to share his feelings, let him 
  • Always think “big picture” 
  • Give him time to think
  • Let him know you appreciate him
The nature of a man is such that he has to have his own reasons for wanting to do all the things that make you happy and keep your relationship strong. It has to come from his own volition. You can never tell a man how to feel or act - just as a man should never do the same to you. But you can inspire a man, and you can share what it is that you like, love and want. And therein lies the secret of having a solid relationship. 

Ijeoma Olujekun

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