Friday, September 19, 2014

Why You Just Can't let Go Of a Bad Relationship

Bad relationships have reverberating consequences on a person's life. They affect an individual's sense of worth, self-esteem, healthy mental development and emotional intelligence. In spite of all these, many people, especially women are unwilling to let go of relationships that hurt them, belittle them, and emotionally rob them of their true sense of self and virtue.

Of course there are always excuses fro holding on, ranging from textbook lines like "I love him and love overlooks all wrongs" to very ridiculous statements like "He probably charmed me withe some love potion because I just can't let go in spite of his misbehaviour".... a friend of mine said that recently for real, and all I could do to keep myself from yelling at her was stare harder at the TV.

Many people are so hungry for love, for some sense of acceptance, and for companionship, that they become blinded even when they being treated badly. Abuse, be it emotional or physical becomes a way of life for them and some of them hold on to the excuse of "We've been together for so long, we have to make it work." I wonder who came up with that. I started to ponder on this... why is it that in spite of hurt, pain, and clear indications of lack of love or respect, people find it hard to let go of bad relationships. I came up with the following plausible explanations

You Think They're Doing You a Favour: This is not necessarily a conscious thought or even one we dare to admit to anyone or ourselves for that matter. However, from my conversations with many people in this boat, I deduced this was the case. Many of the ladies in this situation speak fondly of how they'd never had a plane ride or dreamed of hanging out at a certain restaurant until they met Mr. X who showed them 'le good life'. For them, this is the ultimate dream, to live a lifestyle that they can't afford on their own. Hence, subconsciously, most of these women start to accept ill treatment and belittling behaviour simply because they believe wrongly so that Mr. X is the prize and by being with them, he's simply doing them a favour.

You Don't Think You Can Do Better: There is a fear, mostly among women when they happen to date a guy they never thought would wink at them in the first place. This borders on thinking the man in question is doing you a favour. Most women even get surprised when they are noticed by certain men, and work towards making that man a demi-god. Now, he may not necessarily be the wealthiest man on earth or the best behaved individual. He could simply be a popular vagabond who for some reason earns the admiration of his peers. The fact that he offers some sort of fame, even if it's the wrong kind leads some women to believe he is the best man for them, irrespective of his abusive behaviour.

You Lack Self-esteem: Never mind a low self-esteem, some people have none at all! The funny part though is these are the people that would stomp and talk when they are with their friends. However, behind closed doors, when they are confronted with the source of their agony, they become wilted vegetables. Lack of self-esteem can explain many relationship issues faced today. From a woman's perspective, I can tell that many women are out there looking for a man to complete them, because they feel like they are not whole. They need a man to confirm their abilities, their beauty and even their existence. Owing to this, most of these women can't let go of a bad relationship because they feel they'll become half of who they are, as opposed to the whole individuals they truly are.

You Don't Understand Love: Many people would not admit to this even if you held a gun to their head. When many couples start having sex out of lust or passion, they assume that feeling they have is love. Of course all is well and good until something terrible happens like a miscarriage or one of them is caught cheating...then the cracks begin to show and they start talking about taking a break. The fact that a relationship, be it built on lust or passion or a combination of both lasts for years does not mean it has commitment built into it. It does not mean it's love either. You'll be surprised at the magnetic effect lust has...enough to keep people together for even decades as long as nothing rocks the boat. Most people don't understand what love truly is, hence they settle for something that's less than love, but clothed in the right apparel. Deep in their hearts, they know they can be treated better, have a more respectful relationship and even have commitment but owing to contributing factors listed above, they choose to settle for what's disguised as love, believing they can make it work their way.

You Are Too Close To The Situation: In other words, you don't listen to advice from those that can see your relationships and its hurtful effects on your being from outside. I stopped giving advice to some of my female friends because they were always quick to point out I'm single and can't understand their relationship. Well, my mouth is now under lock and key. I'm not saying you should listen to the advice of friends who do not understand their relationships themselves; sometimes, it may be in your best interest to approach an older individual who has seen it all and present your relationship to him or her hypothetically and hear what they have to say. Sometimes it may be that single but brutally honest friend of yours that can give you an objective view of things. Whatever the case, don't be in isolation. The closer you are to any situation, the more you think you see but the less you actually see. You need someone who has no emotional or sentimental attachments to your relationship to give you his or her two cents once in a while. If you are able to see things from the persepective of an outsider, you can properly evaluate your relationship.

Letting go of a relationship, bad or good is often a difficult task and requires a lot of questioning of one's values, self-worth, self-esteem etc. Objectively evaluating the progress and conditions of your relationship from time to time can help you determine if it's in a good place or heading for the rocks. We should all do this to save ourselves from the devouring relationships we are often so desperate to hold on to.

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