Thursday, May 12, 2016

Why You Just Can't Leave That Abusive Relationship

Ever since I read about the death of late Mrs Shonde whose husband absconded after pummeling her to death and locking her children in the house with her corpse, I have been thinking extensively about why women do not leave relationships where they are being beaten black and blue everyday. It is always so easy for us to ask women to leave when they see the first sign of abuse but many women don't see the signs people on the outside can see. The truth is no abusive man meets a woman and starts to pummel her after the first couple of dates. Abusers are very patient. They take time to nurture their prey and get them in tight corners before they show their true colors. However, this post is not about abusive men; it is about you the victim of abuse who's reading this post. Why can't you leave? I'll tell you in three simple points. 

#1 You literally can't afford it: Many women get wooed by abusive men into leaving their sources of income. They get coerced with promises like "I can provide everything you need", "You have to be a stay-at home mom; I don't want my children to be raised by a nanny", "My mother was too busy for us when I was young and I don't want my children to experience the same" (yeah cry me a river). The moment you give up your earning power no matter how little it is, you have closed off your options of leaving should things take an awry turn. Abusers often appeal to the maternal nature of women to get them to give up their earning power. Rather than giving it up completely, opt for a flexible job that gives you enough time. If you are currently unemployed and being abused, start to take your power back by resetting or establishing your earning power.

#2 You've lost your sense of worth: There are so many ways to lose your sense of worth in a relationship,  so many that many women often miss it. Does your spouse or partner compare you to other women and in the process paints a better of them than he does of you? Does your partner always point out your flaws or criticize your opinions? Are you expected to agree with everything he does or often told to know 'your place' as a woman? Are you the one who apologizes for everything even when the events were set in motion by him? Welcome to the age of self-worth loss through manipulation and criticism. And now that you know what the aim of it is, stop accepting it. He says you're not good enough? Tell yourself you are. You don't know your place as a woman? There is no such thing. You don't have a right to voice your opinions? You are not a rubber doll. Even dolls can speak these days, so why can't you. Take some of your power back. 

#3 You value your husband more than yourself or your children: Many women would not admit this is true but the fact is that it is. Women, especially married women are more likely to make decisions based on how their husbands feel, rather than how they or their children feel. And this right here is the core of the problem - believing that you don't matter as much as your husband does. This is the reason why women keep enduring abuse. "I don't want my children to live without their father" But it is OK if they live without you? Woman, you are the priceless jewel in your home - the light that keeps the home warm. Stop doing things for or because of your husband. Do what you have to do because it will make you happy too.

You can't leave an abusive relationship if you don't start to take some of your power back. The fact that you have been abused means a lot of your innate strength and awesomeness has been taken from you. If you want to leave, you need to get that back. 

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