By All Means Stay Married But Not Only For Your Children's Sake

A woman shared her dilemma on a blog today. She expressed how deeply unhappy she is in her marriage because of her unrepentant philandering husband. She mentioned she has exhausted every approach towards solving the issue. From confronting him to reporting to his family and friends and also going for counselling. She wrote that she has resigned to her fate and that the only reason she is still with her husband is because of her kids.

Reading her story struck a chord in me.

What is the real essence of marriage? Should one stay married despite the emotional and physical torture one might be suffering? Should one remain in a marriage just for one's children's sake?

See, marriage is so unlike every other institution where you patiently wait to finish so you will be honored with whatever kind of degree you studied for. You don’t enter with a set time frame of when it would end.  It isn’t one of those contracts you sign and hope to pull out on certain terms- or maybe there are some deal breakers.

People naturally don’t get married looking forward to situations that will tear them apart but things happen and relationships really could go sour.

God intended for marriage to be life long and also to be enjoyable. Marriage is meant for sex, companionship, friendship, procreation. Marriage is meant to be fun and enjoyed.

Many issues in marriages can be fixed when well managed. I believe in the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. Even the best of friends disagree, it is how situations are resolved that matters.

Divorce shouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind because you are going through a bad phase at work or some mid life crisis. Divorce is a very serious issue and I must mention that God detests divorce and by all means it should be avoided. It brings with it lots of stress and sometimes bad blood. Not to even mention the financial and emotional strain that comes as a result of spouses trying to spite themselves.

It is naïve to say the effect of divorce especially messy ones don’t rub negatively on the children and so for the love of the children and what you used to share, it is advisable to try every method that can lead to mending the frail relationship. But if things are totally irredeemable especially in cases such as spousal abuse and similar extreme cases, you both have to conduct yourselves in less malicious ways and let go regardless of the kids.

Children are also very sensitive and they can tell when things are not going well. The tense atmosphere the strained relationship between their parents create could even be more harmful than helpful. A study shows that children of abusive parents also exhibit such traits when they grow up.

The home is the first point of influence in a child’s life and many children learn first-hand from their parents how to handle situations. Most children in such situations can see through whatever façade of normalcy their feuding parents try to create and it shapes their views on certain life matters. You don’t want to be the reason your child grows into an unhappy adult with the wrong outlook towards life.

While looking out for your children’s emotional needs, also concentrate on what the real issues are and tackle same accordingly. Every child deserves to grow in a balanced home and you also deserve to have a happy marriage. Remember after the kids are gone, all you have is each other.

The right approach should be to find ways towards reconciliation. Don’t be so quick to anger and do not be unforgiving. Remember your vows and try and make amends with your spouse. Read books, seek counselling, talk to those you respect, letting go shouldn’t be a decision you jump to. Don’t close the door to reconciliation. God intended for marriage to be till death. The bible frowns at divorce and it is only a choice in the case of cheating and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.

4 Things You Should Consider Before Giving Up On Your Marriage

Infidelity has become more rampant in recent times or maybe not, our grandparents were probably ‘decent’ enough to justify theirs through the practice of polygamy. The moral decadence in recent times is at an all time high. It is alright for a man to have a side chick in case he gets bored with his major chick-his wife or fiancée (whom in the eyes of majority of the society is the lucky one). Men are not the only ones guilty of this, women have also been found wanting in the fidelity department.

Growing up in a Yoruba setting with women still nursing heartaches and betrayal didn’t help my paranoia much but I remembered at some point I consciously projected in my mind the kind of husband I wanted. I wish I can gloat and say the perfect life I envisioned actually exists but with everyday that passes I understand just how much work marriage and dedication need from both sides.

My friend and I were discussing about the increase in the divorce rates and all the courtroom dramas that accompany it and we came to the conclusion love and hate are neighbours.  Watching the parties involved air their dirty laundry in the presence of everyone makes one wonder if love ever existed between them.

While infidelity might make up for a larger percentage of most divorces, there are other factors that lead to divorce

Whatever happened to the’ for better or worse’ you would ask? Irreconcilable differences is the most frequent ground couples on the verge of divorce give. Most times when one probes deeper, one would uncover a web of deceit, lies and betrayal. Some give up too soon while some work through it.

I am an apologist of the marriage institution and I believe some marriages can be redeemed if the problems plaguing it are rightly and promptly attended to .

·         First, communication is very important. There are times during client briefing and interview that we discover that couples have deep communication problems. Given a situation where the spouses have gotten bored with routine, the reasonable thing to do is to talk about it. For some couples, Words are misinterpreted; talking to each other is just a total disaster. Most times, it takes a while before it gets to this point. If the spouses have taken some time to talk while trying to deal with their issues without bottling up so much, then, some situation would not become so bad.

·         For those with spouses that cheated, it is always good to consider how sober the other partner is and if she/he is ready to make amends. Second chances are great, long as the two people involved understand the place of respect for the vows taken. I honestly think marriages can outlive one or two cases of cheating if the erring partner is sober enough and hands on on making a change.

·         Visit a counsellor. You will be surprised how therapeutic it can be talking about all the issues to a neutral third party. You can see a professional or a spiritual head you both trust.

·         Pray,pray and never stop praying. Some things are not as complicated as we think they are, taking them to God in prayer produce solutions to our lifelong problems. Pray for strength,courage and wisdom in building your home.

Remember every relationship has its ups and downs. Also bear in mind that people's destinies are tied to yours like your children,so whatever you do,keep an open mind towards recoinciliation. For some, divorce is inevitable and for others, they just need to put in some work to save their marriage.  The marriage vows are to be taken very seriously ,divorce should be the very last resort, couples must seek reconciliation first.

The What-To-Expect of Lovers Quarrels (for Lovers)

After we published the piece on the Not-Safe-For Wife-Pictures I wasn't surprised at all the mails from people going through the same thing. 

When you go through challenges remember that if you hear what other people have overcome to kiss, hold hands and smile triumphantly on their 50th wedding anniversary, you will see every reason to join the winning team. Can I get a witness when I say --Tests birth Testimonies and Trials Breed Triumphs!!!

When you are in the courting stage of your relationship, it seems like you will live happily ever after - and you will, but there are some disagreements that almost all couples have at one point or the other. Watch out for them so that you don't blow them out of proportion because it's the little things that lead to BIG arguments. 

"My Spouse Wants to End the Marriage"

* " I have been married to my husband for 11 years and I recently discovered he has been having an affair with a woman where he was posted to. I wanted the whole family to move to the city he was going to be working in but he didn't want to change the children's schools. I must admit, the marriage has not been smooth, after we married we had a lot of fights and I just chose to stop fighting and face raising the kids. He would come home late and I would perceive female perfume on him and I just ignored so that there

Is this Your Marriage???

 

If this is your relationship CLICK HERE: When Your Devices become barriers to Communication

 

If this is your marriage CLICK HERE: Steps to better Communication

If this is your marriage CLICK HERE: His Hers or Ours or HERE: Your Attitude Towards money In Marriage

If you need discreet marriage or relationship counseling or just someone to talk to CLICK HERE

Is There Hope For My Marriage After Long Separation?

Like I have mentioned before on this site, I gathered a lot of examples of how not to run a marriage from my parents. One of the insights I got from them was the realities of separation.

There are several scenarios that might lead to a couple or one half of a couple to choose separation. If a husband or wife feels that they are living in intolerable and miserable conditions eg one spouse us verbally or physically abusive and all attempts to get counselling to improve the relationship have proved futile.

The other scenario is where there is a massive argument between a couple which might or might not have become physical and one spouse chooses to leave maybe as an attempt to let the dust settle and avoid further harm. Couples in this situation should use the separation interval as a time to reflect and prioritise and consider their duties and expectations of their spouse and not plan on the how to put an axe to the marriage finally.