Monday, August 26, 2013

"My Spouse Wants to End the Marriage"

* " I have been married to my husband for 11 years and I recently discovered he has been having an affair with a woman where he was posted to. I wanted the whole family to move to the city he was going to be working in but he didn't want to change the children's schools. I must admit, the marriage has not been smooth, after we married we had a lot of fights and I just chose to stop fighting and face raising the kids. He would come home late and I would perceive female perfume on him and I just ignored so that there
would be peace in my home. So when the transfer came up, thoughts of other women crossed my mind but I had to dismiss these thoughts and I told myself I would visit often. Last month he admitted to having an affair and I was dealing with that . I was even happy that he was being honest but yesterday he opened up and told me the lady is pregnant and he wants to work out living arrangements so that he can remain with her. I want my husband back, I wasn’t as mature as I am now, I withheld sex after arguments, that probably pushed him outside. I didn’t care because I didn’t want him touching me anyway. He is not such a bad man, I was demanding. I will do anything to have my husband back."
Firstly, I am happy that rather than focusing only on the faults of your spouse, you are admit your own weaknesses. We cannot see our spouses doing something we are uncomfortable with and turn a blind eye. That was your first mistake. I know you wanted peace but that was just a recipe for disaster. I don't advocate that couples argue all the time, but its natural to disagree at times if you are mad then express yourself and let it go. The carefree attitude was the beginning of you giving up on your husband the latest revelation about the affair and the child on the way are byproducts of the failure to nip certain things I the bud. Sweeping things under the carpet only gives them a chance to come and haunt you afterwards.

That said, we cannot take responsibility for another person's actions if he chose to have an affair that was his choice not yours.

Don't do the Clinging thing!  Trying to keep the person you love from leaving you by pleading, begging, arguing, demanding, apologizing, or manipulating typically fails terribly. Nearly everyone tries it, but hardly anyone succeeds. Some people cry, from the pain of abandonment and the prospect of being alone but also with a hope to evoke compassion. One woman said, “I followed him to his car and banged my head on our concrete driveway until blood flowed like a river. And he STILL left!” Some get sick or “accidentally” hurt themselves, hoping that will trigger a rekindling of the love lost deep within the departing spouse.

Rather than drawing the straying spouse back, clinging behavior usually propels them further away. Clinging, begging and whining is never attractive. It also means that you are ready to give a get-out-of-jail-free-card. In other words, no matter what they do, you will take it. thus removing any reason for them to change.

Take your Time. If your husband is rushing to dissolve your marriage, do not give into the temptation to join the race out of pride. Time is on your side. Time will begin to erode the intensity of the emotions in that illicit relationship. "The broom is often despised in the night; but in the morning we will look for it" another proverb says that "The  same broom that was used to chase the first wife is used to chase the second."  If your spouse is dissatisfied with the way life has been with you, enough time provides you the opportunity to demonstrate changes you are willing to make.

Perseverance and Focus Focus on praying and taking care of yourself. Actually, as you do, you also do the things that have the strongest likelihood of causing your spouse to realize what he will lose if the marriage ends. Look good, eat well, engage in things you enjoy to keep yourself from thinking to much.. Get involved in your church get involved I your community. Whether your marriage makes it or not, you need to provide for yourself and your children spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Stay strong. It takes strength to work at saving a marriage when your spouse wants to leave. Find a support system of people who will encourage you and be there for you. When you begin working on improving yourself in the areas you have highlighted like being demanding etc, you benefit yourself. You also make strides toward salvaging your marriage.

*Shared with permission

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