Thursday, June 11, 2015

By All Means Stay Married But Not Only For Your Children's Sake

A woman shared her dilemma on a blog today. She expressed how deeply unhappy she is in her marriage because of her unrepentant philandering husband. She mentioned she has exhausted every approach towards solving the issue. From confronting him to reporting to his family and friends and also going for counselling. She wrote that she has resigned to her fate and that the only reason she is still with her husband is because of her kids.
Reading her story struck a chord in me.

What is the real essence of marriage? Should one stay married despite the emotional and physical torture one might be suffering? Should one remain in a marriage just for one's children's sake?

See, marriage is so unlike every other institution where you patiently wait to finish so you will be honored with whatever kind of degree you studied for. You don’t enter with a set time frame of when it would end.  It isn’t one of those contracts you sign and hope to pull out on certain terms- or maybe there are some deal breakers.
People naturally don’t get married looking forward to situations that will tear them apart but things happen and relationships really could go sour.

God intended for marriage to be life long and also to be enjoyable. Marriage is meant for sex, companionship, friendship, procreation. Marriage is meant to be fun and enjoyed.

Many issues in marriages can be fixed when well managed. I believe in the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. Even the best of friends disagree, it is how situations are resolved that matters.

Divorce shouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind because you are going through a bad phase at work or some mid life crisis. Divorce is a very serious issue and I must mention that God detests divorce and by all means it should be avoided. It brings with it lots of stress and sometimes bad blood. Not to even mention the financial and emotional strain that comes as a result of spouses trying to spite themselves.

It is naïve to say the effect of divorce especially messy ones don’t rub negatively on the children and so for the love of the children and what you used to share, it is advisable to try every method that can lead to mending the frail relationship. But if things are totally irredeemable especially in cases such as spousal abuse and similar extreme cases, you both have to conduct yourselves in less malicious ways and let go regardless of the kids.

Children are also very sensitive and they can tell when things are not going well. The tense atmosphere the strained relationship between their parents create could even be more harmful than helpful. A study shows that children of abusive parents also exhibit such traits when they grow up.
The home is the first point of influence in a child’s life and many children learn first-hand from their parents how to handle situations. Most children in such situations can see through whatever façade of normalcy their feuding parents try to create and it shapes their views on certain life matters. You don’t want to be the reason your child grows into an unhappy adult with the wrong outlook towards life.

While looking out for your children’s emotional needs, also concentrate on what the real issues are and tackle same accordingly. Every child deserves to grow in a balanced home and you also deserve to have a happy marriage. Remember after the kids are gone, all you have is each other.

The right approach should be to find ways towards reconciliation. Don’t be so quick to anger and do not be unforgiving. Remember your vows and try and make amends with your spouse. Read books, seek counselling, talk to those you respect, letting go shouldn’t be a decision you jump to. Don’t close the door to reconciliation. God intended for marriage to be till death. The bible frowns at divorce and it is only a choice in the case of cheating and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.

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