Tuesday, June 2, 2015

How To Choose The Right Partner

Choosing the right partner is probably the best decision you'll make during the course of your lifetime. Your choice of a partner will definitely affect how your life eventually plays out, and is therefore the most important choice you will ever make if you intend to get married and start a family.

More often than not, when I speak to married couples (whether they are happy or not),  I am often told the best thing to do is to marry your best friend. Some couples emphasize the need for a church-going partner while some have come out to say they simply got married because their spouses chased them for so long, they decided to give in. These stories obviously do not reek of the fairytale stories many of us like to hear when we talk about weddings, and the resigned attitudes of married couples have made me question if they made the right choices from the beginning. Based on my many discussions with these couples, I have compiled a list of right moves and factors one should make/consider, and also some key things you need to know when choosing a partner. 

1. You do not have to marry your best friend: The idea of the best friend as a suitable spouse has been so romanticized, I see it on almost every engagement or wedding photo. "I married my best friend" is the new quote many people post in order to reassure their friends that they made the right choice. What I have come to learn from expienced couples is that marrying your best friend in its own way can jeopardize your marriage. Surprised? Marriage is not only built on friendship, it is built on passion, and a whole lot more. The idea that friendship is the only foundation required leads to marriages with lackadaisical attitudes that only seek to maintain the status quo, and not spice things up when necessary. Think about it...when was the last time you ever thought of spicing up your friendship? Hardly ever, right? Making the friendship the only foundation on which your marriage is built will lead to the same complacent behaviour. Watch out! What you should do is marry your friend! With time, as you both grow older, your spouse will become your best friend.

2. Passion is key: Couples who enjoy sex together will stay together. Sex is a basic human need, and married couples ought to enjoy it, and not simply go through the motions. If a marriage is lacking in passion, it is nothing more than plain old friendship! Before you choose a partner, consider the passion or should I say sexual tension between the two of you. If there isn't any, you should not be getting married. My pastor once said "you should not fornicate before your wedding, but your hormones should respond passionately during your courtship. You should want your partner sexually else, don't bother getting married." 

3. Consider compatibility not availability: Many young people these days consider availability much more than compatibility. Most young men, when they reach a certain age are so keen to get married, any young lady will do. They often say "as long as she is a Christian and behaves well, then it's OK". This right here is the reason many christian couples are unhappy. They just don't get each other; in other words, they don't click. They can't pull each other's legs or make loving fun of each other. The relationship is robotic, and lacks any feeling of fulfilment. Such marriages are often doomed to fail, and end up with two people wondering what they did wrong. That a woman is single and available does not mean she is meant for you. That a man is proposing marriage does not mean he will be the right person for you. There has to be a certain x-factor that just exists between the both of you in a way no external person can explain.

4. Communication is key: Do you talk over each other? Do you undermine the opinion of the other person? Do you struggle to get your voice heard because your partner goes on and on and acts like your lips aren't moving? Perhaps, you should reconsider before walking down the aisle. Communication is key between two individuals who want to spend eternity together, and it does not have to be only regarding the serious stuff. Choose the partner you can talk to about nothing in particular, the one you can gist with and gossip with (yes, happy married couples gossip together!). Choose the partner who listens to you and who speaks to you too. Choose the person who communicates respectfully even in the midst of an argument! Derogatory insults sure should not fly between you two! Choose the partner you can communicate your anger to as well! Don't choose someone you are scared you'll offend by expressing yourself. Marriages where one has to put a mask in a bid to keep the other happy often lead to broken families and an unnecessary stack of emotions.

5. Choose the partner you always yearn for: As marriages get older, some emotions may begin to wane. Life will get in the way, and sex might not be as frequent. It is best to choose a partner you always long to be with, even when you are not having sex. Choose a partner who makes you laugh, and a partner who can make you smile even when he or she is not there. Choose the partner that makes your heart melt and the one you know you are willing to cross boundaries for. Love that keeps you going against all odds might sound like something from a romantic novel, but that is actually the love for you. Yes, some of the feelings will wear off, but not completely. Choosing someone simply because you're ready and that they're ready will not help you when the initial emotions (if there were any present) begin to wear off completely. People underestimate love these days, and they accept convenience instead. We have even come to a time where we embrace the ideology that we do not end up with the people we love. Well, a 79 year old man told me when I was having these discussions about marriage: Life always offers two choices- the original and the adulterated. The adulterated will very often come at what seems to be a lesser price, and will end up being more expensive in the end. To feel young at heart everyday, people should learn to choose the original. Choose the love that makes you genuinely happy. Choose to be happy and don't apologise for it!

Any more tips? Do share XOXO

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