Monday, June 22, 2015

Don't Get Married!

Last week, I read all about the turnout of radio personality and video blogger Toke Makinwa. The tales of her husband’s infidelity and the resulting pregnancy was on every social media outlet. I felt sorry for Toke; It wasn’t because it was Toke, but really because any woman in such a situation would probably feel like her world is crashing around her. I was tempted to write about it but I held back. Now I’m writing about it because I am sick of infidelity. This past weekend was an eye opener for me; I watched a married man camp in my neighbor’s apartment while his wife was led to believe he was out of town. It wasn’t his first time visiting. As a matter of fact, he has been her most frequent visitor in the past couple of months. I was pushed to ask the question ‘why do people get married?’

Marriage is an institution ordained by God, built to reflect the way Christ is married to the church. Marriage is a sacred entity, a reflection of God’s unfailing love and his unending grace. Why mess it up with infidelity? I sometimes sit and wonder: what would it be like if God promised to love us, cherish us and be there for us, but joins the devil to point at us and mock us, while tormenting us with our biggest fears  every chance he gets? How would we feel if we got to know that Jesus who died for our sins also makes deals with the devil behind our backs? How would we feel if God betrayed us, and brought shame on us in spite of us faithfully worshipping him?

Why get married if you know you still want to play the field? I don’t understand it. Why get married when you know you have unresolved feelings for someone else, or you don’t have any willpower to reject advances from the opposite sex?

The problem is many people do not marry the ones they love; they marry the convenient reliable one, with the hope that they can keep the one they love on the side, or continue with the adventure of having multiple partners

Marriage is not just about spending money on a good venue, taking beautiful photos and sticking to your gender role in the marriage (which is why I have an issue with gender roles, but that is a topic for another day). Marriage is a great commitment that you have to weigh very carefully before you decide to work down the aisle. The problem is many people do not marry the ones they love; they marry the convenient reliable one, with the hope that they can keep the one they love on the side, or continue with the adventure of having multiple partners. If you happen to be one of these people, please don’t get married.

Don’t get married if you are not mature enough to stick with your commitment or fight the urge of temptation. Don’t get married if you cannot be faithful. It is better to be single, playing the field than it is to get married and make a fool of your spouse. People usually are quick to blame the other woman/man as it may be, but I always say ‘the married individual is more culpable than his willing accomplice’. At the end of the day, if the other woman/man is not married, he or she is not betraying any vows. Don’t get married if you believe marriage is all about financial provision. It’s not. It’s a lot more than that. Marriage is a deal made with God as the witness, and shouldn’t be treated with flippancy. It’s about emotional protection, nurture and forgiveness.

I meet a lot of married people who claim their partner’s misdemeanors, such as a little argument or an unresolved issue drove them into the arms of someone else. Based on that, I will add that if you don’t have the maturity to let go of issues, talk about them, learn what it means when you have to agree to disagree with your spouse, don’t get married. If you’re a blame shifter, obsessed with making yourself come off as perfect while you make your spouse suffer for your offences, don’t bother getting married.

Marriage is not a game for children, and even for adults, it is not a game. If you want to get married, be ready to compromise as an adult, be ready to let the little issues go, be ready to agree to disagree, be ready to forgive over and over. Be ready to let go of your selfish desires for a collective achievement. Be ready to take blame, and to apologies’. Be ready to meet people who are way better than your spouse and know you can’t unzip your pants and jump into bed with them. If you can’t do any of the things, don’t get married. Spare an innocent soul who is probably happy being single at this moment the torture of being stuck in an unhappy marriage. XOXO

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