Are You Looking To Settle Down? Five Things You Must Consider

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To make a pot of traditional Nigerian stew, you need your scotch bonnet, onions and tomatoes plus other condiments, without which the stew will be a total disaster. So also, to have a successful marriage, you need a great deal of love and attraction, among so many other things that make a union a great success. It is very important to note that while the pepper and tomatoes are major ingredients, the overall taste depends greatly on the combination of some other condiments. 

When we meet that special person, we are overtaken by emotions that cause us to believe that there is no mountain too tall to climb or an ocean too deep to swim in for the one we love, and I must confess that that is so empowering and beautiful. Not in a bid to be the bad talebearer but you will need to consider so much more in choosing a life partner. You need to work with your heart and your head so as not to end up in a courtroom citing irreconcilable differences as a ground for divorce or being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

So what are these other considerations one has to make?

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TLC’s my 600 pound life life fascinates me in so many ways. It is hard to imagine that one can allow oneself get so morbidly obese that one could die, but it is the reality of the participants on the show seeking weight loss surgery as their last resort to surviving and living a healthy life. 

Most of them share how they lost control of their appetite for food and find themselves slipping down the path of self-destruction by over feeding on unhealthy food, and leading them to become so dependent on other people to get through their day to day activities. Some of them have to rely on their spouses or children and it is sad to know they are sometimes stuck in a room for years. This leads to a lot of depression resulting from missing out on important family functions and basic social gatherings. Above all these, is the reality that they might die if they didn’t seek help.

Three Important Things You Need To Teach Your Child(ren)

Bethany Thompson was a cancer survivor who had her brain tumour operated on twice. She was given a new lease of life with the success of those operations; her parents must have felt really grateful that their baby scaled that large obstacle and defiled death. Their joy was cut short however when Bethany committed suicide because the kids at her school kept making fun of her appearance which was as a result of the treatment she received.

I’ll allow you take that in and imagine how many people have been thrown into darkness by the insensitivity of the other children in Bethany’s school.

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This story left a really bad taste in my mouth and it also stirred up a lot of emotions in me as a parent and a person that has survived bullying. 

I had some very low times too but I was lucky to get past that period of my life and realise that bullies act the way they do to cover up their own insecurities. Not everyone is as lucky as I am as it is evident in Bethany Thompson’s story. 

Bullying has claimed a lot of lives and put many more in mental prisons.

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I watched a movie recently, it was centred on a lady who became desperate to be in a relationship because most of her friends were in happy relationships and she desired to have the same. This led her into thinking that she was in a relationship with a guy whom she had known for a while. 

Interestingly, the guy never asked her out but they spent a lot of time together causing her to believe that he was involved with her romantically. 

She dedicated herself towards serving the man, washing his clothes, cleaning up after him and all other things she convinced herself she had to do only to discover that he had a fiancée all along. She was heartbroken and insisted that the man deceived her.

While I understood her outrage over being exploited, I couldn’t ignore the fact that she set herself up for heartbreak. To be fair to her, she is one of the many that make the mistake of not defining their relationships. It is not all the time that a man that is interested in a woman tells the woman of his intention of starting a relationship, there are times the relationship blossoms from platonic to a more serious one. The line can also become blurry in several other instances. 

5 Wrong Reasons for Getting Married: Part 1

Marriage is probably the most misconstrued idea in the world. Many people go into it for all of the wrong reasons, forgetting that it's a divine institution and a life-long commitment. This results in many unhappy homes, dissatisfied people and failed marriages.

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So if you're planning a wedding soon, it's best to get a reality check and ensure you are going into it for the right reasons. Here are a few common reasons people get married:

1. To escape the stress of home

Believe it or not, some people, especially women, get fed up of home as they get older, mostly because of chores, curfews, or rules laid down by their parents or guardians. In this state of dissatisfaction and complaints, the idea of marriage seems all the more welcoming, as it presents the opportunity to escape the stress of staying at home. The only problem with this is that people often find the very issue they are running from in their matrimonial homes, at an even higher level. They still have to clean, cook and take care of the family, and also become accountable to their husbands with several 'dos' and 'don'ts' which they try to keep up with to sustain the marriage. If there is no other substance or foundation on which the marriage is laid, then it will undoubtedly fail.

2. To conceal pregnancy
Sometimes marriage is seen as a cover for pregnancy out of wedlock and an escape route from the stigma that comes with it. It is understandable that sometimes a family with a high society or religious status might want to avoid the embarrassment and troubles of having a baby out of wedlock. It is true that it is good for a baby to have the security of a home as it comes into the world, as this is what God intended in the first place. However, marriage should not be entered into solely for this reason. If other salient issues such as compatibility, common faith and or values, love and understanding are ignored, there may crop up in the near future and destroy the marriage or drastically affect those involved.

5 Wrong Reasons for Getting Married: Part 2

We are exploring five common wrong reasons people get married. If you missed Reason 1-3, please click here.

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Here are other reasons worth considering:

4. Because you are getting older

"You better settle down, because you are not getting any older", might be one of the most popular sayings among African families. The society cannot process a single woman above thirty pursuing her career. There must be something wrong with her, her standards must be too high, or probably she cannot submit to a man.

These are a few of the misconceptions prevalent in the society that lead people to make wrong decisions in marriage, simply to avoid hitting the age 30 mark. The mark is higher for men, but there is still that societal, family expectation and pressure to settle down perhaps by 40. The pressure may be worsened by the fact that all your close friends have gotten married and seem to have left you behind.

Although it's been said by some health professionals that it is easier for a woman to have children at an earlier age (the average woman's fertility peaks at early 20s) with less chances of complications, age should still not be the sole reason for getting married. What's the point of rushing into marriage with someone you hardly know or someone who you are not convinced is totally right for you, only to end up divorced, separated, unhappy or abused in the near future? The stigma of being an older single woman which you tried to avoid will even get worse, with additional labels of 'divorcee' or 'a woman that cannot keep a home' (Not that these stigmas are right, but that is a topic for another day). It is better to marry later than others to the right person for you, than to rush into a marriage you will later regret.

Can You Play Safe In Love?

Being in a world where it is easier to discover the existence of another planet than it is to know what goes on in another man’s mind means that love is one of the biggest gambles we’d ever take as humans. The mystery of it all and not knowing how fair or not love would be to us, reflects a lot on how we conduct ourselves and our affairs generally.

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In fact, if we could build walls of steel around our hearts and secure it with bronze padlocks and gates bearing large captions for trespassers to KEEP OFF; perhaps, we’ll record greater luck in love. The stress of having to break the walls or the risk of being bitten by ferocious guard dogs may deter the players among us, who have no regard for emotions of fellow humans from perpetrating devilish heartbreaks.

Much as we might have wished for there to be some form of mathematics involved (and maybe there really may be ways people can be manipulated to behave in certain ways) but the truth remains that no one can ever truly tell if who he loves will love him back at all or if such person will love him back in the same measure. This uncertainty that comes with falling in love breeds one of the deepest issues in relationships. The inability to let ourselves go totally in love puts us on edge and starts to breed insecurity.

We start to wonder if we have let our guards off too much or for too long. We become so calculated in our actions. Love degenerates to a game.

‘He should be the one calling me now because I called two times already’

‘I can’t risk letting her know that I love her that much, less she starts to take me for a fool’

‘I can’t tell her that I love her before she tells me’

‘He is too smooth, I can’t trust him’

While some of our worries may be valid, many times they are not. We need to reprogram our minds and just take love for what it is; a pure and selfless emotion. If we are so focused on being loved back in certain ways, we unconsciously mar the beauty of it all.

 Hearts are broken and mended every day, so one or a few failures at love shouldn’t be the reason for one to hold back when with someone new. Don’t be afraid of letting yourself go or being taken for a fool. Who cares who calls who, long as you are both happy? There will be temptations to hold back and take stock of who has done what but your insecurity shouldn't be given room to grow. 

Whatever you decide, bear in mind that it is alright to be vulnerable in love, let your guard down sometimes. An African proverb says if you shut your eyes hoping to ignore bad people, the good ones will also pass you by . Playing it safe takes the beauty out of it. Bask in the beauty of the 'no holds barred' kind of love. There is always that special person that wouldn't throw your love in your face.

N.B: This does not apply to you if you are in an abusive relationship or with someone that doesn'tt care about you at  all.If you are in an abusive relationship, you need help. If your partnerdoesn't' care  at all, then you need to leave, Your love alone cannot sustain your relationship, there has to be two people on board for the relationship to work.