Monday, April 18, 2016

When He Marries Someone Else...

Over the weekend, someone reached out to me with the question "how do you get over a boyfriend who suddenly gets married to someone else?" 

I thought it funny that someone would ask me that. Does it show that I have been through it? If it doesn't, I'll tell you now that I have so I know that 'hit by a train and dragged for miles' feeling that comes with it. How do you get over that brokenness that you feel so deep within you? How do you explain how you feel to others because you really can't even explain it yourself? How do you move on when all you can remember is the many times he said "I love you", and you believed it, not knowing that he would be saying '"I do" to someone else?

I'll give you three simple yet harsh realizations that worked for me.

#1 Understand that his decision is not based on something you did or did not do: Except you poisoned his mother, shot his dog point blank, or cheated on him, there is nothing you can possibly do to a guy who loves you that will cause him to rush into marriage with someone else. Many women tend to blame themselves when the men they trusted and built a life with in their heads end up walking down the aisle with someone else. They tend to believe they didn't prove they were worth marrying; they didn't' try hard enough, didn't cook often enough, didn't clean well enough, didn't give him enough chances... the list goes on. No my dear. You tried enough, you were your perfect lovely self, and you were a delight. The fact is that he just did not want to marry you, and that is absolutely not your fault.

#2 Understand that if he could turn back the hands of time, he still wouldn't choose you: Many women fall for the line 'I would have chosen you if not for circumstances'. That is the worst excuse you can accept. Except those circumstances include being held hostage by a pride of lions, do not accept this excuse for one simple reason - It is a lie. Many men feel remorseful after they get married to someone else and ditch their long time ride-or-die chic, so they try to soften the blow with various circumstantial excuses. No circumstance should make a man ditch you like trash if he loves you, which leads me to my next point. 

#3 Accept that he possibly never truly loved or valued you: These days, there are so many variations of love, people are confused as to what it really means to be loved AND valued. Many women confuse desire with love; they confuse desire with value, so they get confused when this man they have given their all to suddenly pitches up online with a wedding band around his ring finger. the fact that a person desires you does not mean they value or love you. 

Some people desire you because they are getting certain short-term benefits from you, but when people ask them about the love they have for you, they become tongue-tied. When a person desires you, sure they will spend time with you, they might even indulge some of your whims but that is where it ends. You cannot cry on their shoulder, and you'll hardly hear any verbal affirmations of their feelings for you (it is easier to type things on whatsapp and bbm. saying them face-to-face is a different story). They will not come rushing when you are in dire need of help or support, and they will not stand as firmly by you, or seek a deeper knowledge of you. If a man has chosen to marry someone else, it's because he has invested more in that person than he has ever considered investing in you. And that is because he values that person and he simply desires you.

I know it is difficult to come to terms with these tips but sometimes you need to rip off the band aid, bear the pain and keep moving. There's a man out there with your name tattooed on his heart. 


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