Thursday, July 11, 2013

5 Reasons Couples Drift Apart And How To Get It Together

One of the most common problems couple's have, whether dating or married, is drifting apart. I have come across so many theories as to why this happens. Some people will say No, it's because they didn't take the time to do "couple" stuff. They didn't try and become interested in each other etc.From my observations these are the top 5 reasons couples drift apart and how to handle it.

1. Busyness: The prime enemy of intimacy. Don't let the business of life be all that you have in common. Get away from the lists of tasks and spend time with each other generating shared experiences. I have found both personally and by observation that relationships take work and they need tending to stay healthy and connected. It could be as simple as reading a book together, having a pedicure together or a scheduled movie night in your living room while the kids are sleeping. Set out time that is just for the two of you.

2. Poor Communication: When a woman or man isn't being heard or when a man is not understood it’s a major sign that they are in danger of drifting apart. The cornerstone of good communication is active listening. It requires the person listening to get outside of him/herself for a moment and pay close attention to what your partner is saying and the emotion he/she is trying to convey. 

3. Keeping Secrets. The best way to create a gulf between you is to start with holding information. Vibrant and intimate relationship requires deep knowing. The depth of your relationship is influenced by how open you are to each other that is why it is important to marry someone you trust. And once you have nurture that trust, submit to it (I hope that makes sense).

4. Keeping grudges: When we are unhappy about something our spouse said or did, and we keep quiet about it, we become sullen and withdrawn. In marriage you have to be really good at forgetting the things your spouse has done to offend you but only after you have talked it through. Baby I didn't like that because…Please, please, please darling, lets avoid…” then hear what your spouse has to say then forget it! A pastor once said that Christian couples are great actors. They can have issues boiling beneath the surface, come to church, be courteous to each other, smiling and exchanging pleasantries, without giving a clue of what is going on between them. There are also times when we are not honest about our feelings even when we are asked. We simply respond; "I'm fine or I'm OK" when we are not. My sister says keeping quiet about something hurting us is like wearing perfume everyday without taking a bath. You might be able to get away with it for a while but eventually… 

5. Ego/Pride. When both of you fight or have a discussion, do both of you give in now and then for the sake of the partner’s happiness? Sometimes a person is more dedicated to their ego than their partner. If you'd rather give your partner the silent treatment or avoid them instead of trying to make up with them, chances are, your ego is getting in the way. I think both a husband and wife have a part to play in this. If you make your spouse feel good about themselves by encouraging them by letting them see all their strengths and potential rather than always pinpointing and highlighting their faults they will be less inclined to protect their ego in a way that will isolate them.

I hope all of you will commit to taking time to nourish your relationships so that you will never feel like you have drifted apart.

Have a lovely day! 

Ijeoma Olujekun

1 comment:

  1. My husband and I have been together for over 6 years. For most of those years we have lived separate lives and lived under the same roof. His career has always come first. He makes decisions about his career, finances, and etc. without talking to me. He is emotionally unavailable and intimacy has been gone for a long time. I have shared my concerns with him many times and nothing ever changes, I told him about a month ago that we should separate, after he accepted a job in another state. Now he wants to fix our marriage, but a big part of me thinks its too late. Please help, what do you think???


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