Saturday, February 13, 2016

Three Things You Should Consider Before Giving An Ultimatum

A young lady posed a question about herself. She has been dating a certain man for three years and she made it clear at the beginning of the relationship, her intention to settle down soon. However, the man seem not to be ready and she was thinking of giving him an ultimatum on Valentine’s Day. “Marry me or I’ll walk out”. People had split opinions on whether she ought to stay or not. I think there are times people need a push to move and ultimatums could be such needed push.

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There are times we find ourselves in relationships that seem to have reached a deadlock. There seem to be no future in view and we are scared of quitting same. It just seem like we are going round in circles with no way leading forward and our partner seem to be fine with this.  Times like this require for you to have ‘the talk’ and depending on the circumstances, an ultimatum might not be a bad idea.  

Ultimatums can birth ugly results like getting a negative answer. Whoever is going to give an ultimatum should brace himself/herself. Matter of fact, things can’t get worse than they already are so the sooner you know where you stand in someone’s life, the better.
Not all situations are the same and there are factors that one ought to consider in giving ultimatums. Such factors are as discussed below.

Age: - We all use the idiom ‘age is just a number’ but on deeper consideration, it is not true all the time. It is not the most reasonable move when you start putting pressure on a 23 year old man to settle down, same goes for a girl of 19 or 20years. It doesn’t matter that you have dated for 5 years, his age might be a good reason why he doesn’t feel mentally ready to settle down. This means that a financially stable young adult might still feel the need to give his career more priority than his relationship. Hence it doesn’t make much sense giving such person an ultimatum. Instead, engage him in discussions that would make you know his plans. What matters in this instance is for you to know if you are part of that plan and also if you have as much time to wait.

How long have you been dating : - A friend of mine shared with me how a girl he only just met in the previous week started a discussion on what and what not she wanted for her wedding. She also introduced him to a group of friends as her boyfriend. He said he was both shocked and bemused considering that was the second time he was seeing her. Needless to say, he backtracked out of her life. This means that there is that period of ‘getting to know each other’. This period is however dependent on each person’s situation. If you are dating a woman of marriageable age, it is only fair that such woman would have plans of settling down within a year or two. If such woman perceives you are stalling, she might be giving an ultimatum soon.

What sort of arrangement do you have: - The lady that shared her story on the blog was upfront with the fact that she wanted something serious. There are also times when a man/a woman despite being of age has other things on his/her plate which they already discussed with their partner. It could be educational or career advancement. If these goals are not met such person might not feel ready and so giving ultimatums in such instance may not be fair.

Whatever happens, ultimatums are both good and bad, it could turn out to be that much needed push to the right direction and it could also confirm your fears that you have been wasting your time. It also can make you feel really insecure as you may never know if the person you gave an ultimatum truly cares about you or just felt pressured. Whatever the situation is, it is a disservice to yourself to stay in a relationship that is heading nowhere. You should always have plans even if they don’t fall through.

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