Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Dear Moyosoreoluwa, (Notes From Me To You)

As you grew within me, I felt more pressure to love your sister more so as to make up for whatever attention she might not get once you arrive. One thing I was most scared of was how to share my love between two of you.

See, I have built such a deep relationship with your sister that it didn’t look quite achievable to bring another person into that mix. She’s been my world and we have developed lots of communication techniques that don’t need words. Like when her eyes seek me out in a crowd asking for approval on something she just did or when she bursts out of her class right into my waiting hands before going into endless chatters.

Let me tell you a little about your sister, she loves to be cuddled to bed and she calls my name from the time she opens her eyes till she sleeps. Oh yes! She could be very opinionated too and she comes across as stubborn. I take notes in my head on some things I have to make her stop before you get here – more like I am still in the process. At times when she ran about the house forming conversations with her imaginary friends, I felt you turn inside me sometimes and I wondered if you were trying to tell her to calm down for your arrival. I trust you will find great friendship in each other as I have found in my siblings.

This is supposed to be about you but I find myself writing so much about your sister. Forgive me but she was the biggest thing in my life just before you - my darling you.
My love, you sneaked upon me like Santa on Christmas night. Like I knew I was going to get a gift but I never considered just how delighted the gift would make me. Pleasant surprise, some would say but I still can’t find words that adequately describe the smile that kept dancing around my lips and the music that just wouldn’t stop playing in my head soon as I confirmed you were growing inside me. I was overwhelmed with a special kind of warmth and my doubts slowly drifted away as I prepared my heart for you. I never knew loving you was going to be so easy because I thought I had expended all my love on your sister.

My dear, you didn’t come without drama. Needless to say I was constantly tired and ill in the first months. Don’t even get me started on the mood changes and the meaningless tears. My head didn’t feel like mine and my insides were such a mess. My food became really limited. Although I was glad to have you growing inside me, I wasn’t excited at all the many changes and discomfort I had to bear. At my sane periods I was glad I was on the path of a much desired journey. I got teased by your dad many times for always rubbing my tummy even when there was no visible bump. There was no way I could explain to him how much I felt like I knew you already.

Would he even understand our conversations? Like when I felt really ill and I implored you to take it easy on mum or the times I shared some of your sister’s moments with you and I am convinced you laughed?

I wasn’t in a hurry to find out your sex. I just wondered sometimes if all the fore-owned pink stuff of your sister would go to waste. The scan showed your tiny toes and hands and I was told the growth in between your legs meant we were expecting a boy. That explained the very different feeling, I thought. That butt kicking made more sense. Like I did the day I found out I was expecting a girl- your sister,I wrote down my thoughts. I felt deeply overwhelmed with joy. I called you Moriregba which literally means ‘I received goodness.’ You started to turn more frequently and I could almost guess your favourite food. I could even swear you developed character. I think you will be really sociable like your dad. That was the only explanation I had for your incessant kicking whenever there were many kids around.

My love, I can’t explain how impatient I got in the last months. It wasn’t enough having you inside me anymore; my anxieties were driving me crazy. I just wanted to get right into it and be able to speak to you while holding you. Your sister has been great company but this journey has taught me that there was room for another and I was so expectant. I wasn’t without my vain thoughts too. I was in a hurry to see if your dad won the battle of the ‘looks’ again. I prayed you’d look like me- something to justify all the pain I went through.

I got this strange surge of energy in those last months. I was on every chore I could lay my hands on. I expected you to come out with your abs being on point. All that exercise and restlessness had to count for something. My doctor told me that your head was near on the day of my last visit, so I packed my bag readily waiting.

‘I was a pro’, that was what I thought as I monitored the frequency of my contractions. Mayomikun-your sister got back from school really hyped. It was so much unlike her. She was jumping about excitedly; I wonder if you told her you were coming that day. The pain intensified, my brain must have frozen in pain when I called the ambulance. Grandma sprinkled some holy water on me while uttering prayers just like she did when I was going to deliver your sister, aunty Adijat rode with me in the Ambulance just like she did when it was your sister’s. Your dad was on the phone with me for most part. I have been here before.The players were the same but the feeling was different. There are no professionals on this field; it’s really God’s grace. Death felt really close but you can tell I pulled through (smiles). I must have broken the nurses’ eardrums with my screams. All I really remember now is that soon as your cries filled the room, all the pain vanished in seconds.

I am looking at you now and still can’t understand why God thinks me worthy of such goodness. I can’t imagine I once worried about how possible it was to love you. I definitely underestimated how much my heart can stretch.

Love you my prince, my breasts are at your service.

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