Saturday, July 18, 2015

You Accept The Love You Think You Deserve

I was in that channel trotting mood recently when I stumbled on a talk show. One of those ones that invite guests with relationship issues with the hope of helping to resolve the issues. A woman complained of her husband’s demeaning treatment of her. She complained that he verbally and emotionally abuses her and sometimes, he gets physical. He checks the mileage on her car and checks the time to make sure she doesn’t go anywhere else asides from where she said she’d go. She is not allowed to have male friends, in fact no friends at all. He even checks her underwear to be sure she hasn’t been with another man. She does everything around the house including sorting the bills and paying off the mortgage. All he does is wake up, torture her and have sex.
When the anchor of the show asked the accused husband why he treats his wife so badly, he replied ‘why is she still with me if she feels so terrible?”
The first thought that went on in my mind is how do these things even happen? How desperately should one want a relationship that one totally ignores the place of peace and happiness within?

The husband is very wrong but the chief problem is the wife that allows herself to be treated that way
As humans, we love being validated, we are fascinated with the idea of being perceived a certain way. We love ideals. We are in love with the feeling of being in love. We forget the place of personal fulfilment and happiness in our search for such validation. When we are not in relationships, we ask ourselves if it is something wrong with us.

We ask, “Am I not pretty enough?”,  “am I too uptight?” “Why is everyone settled asides from me?”
So, we jump into the arms of whoever shows even a little interest in us. Not caring how terrible we are treated. It looks good in the eyes of the society and there is someone we can finally call ours, we think. In our hearts we consider ourselves lucky that someone showed interest at all because inside us we don't think we deserve to be loved.  We tell ourselves we can manage the situation. We walk on eggs around our partner, scared of saying the wrong things or acting the wrong way. Perhaps if we stay well behaved, he/she wouldn’t flip. We find ourselves in really terrible situations and we convince ourselves it is better than nothing.

If you fall in this situation, you need help, you have serious esteem issues.
Wherever we got that thought that staying single is a plague. Who said our happiness is the ultimate sacrifice for being in a relationship or marriage?

We need not stay unhappy living a lie. Staying back in such abusive relationships can be dangerous to one’s existence. It is bad enough that our esteems are in shambles, how about the kids that can get caught up in such situations. You need not stay back while you are getting stepped on. (If you are in an abusive marriage, you need to get help).
 My dear, don’t be deceived being single is not a disease, what is sickening is staying back in a relationship where you could die and all that is left of your esteem totally washed out.
 Always remind yourself how great of a gift you are. You are intentionally and deliberately created. You deserve to love and be loved back. Don’t be forced to manage. It doesn’t matter if you are a tomboy with little tolerance for make-up or if you feel comfortable wearing bright colored clothes. It is not a problem if you like to listen to your songs really loud or that you think Mr. Right should get the door for you. All that matters is that you are unique and wonderfully made, whoever wants to be with you should be one that appreciates your uniqueness. You deserve to be loved right honey, stop settling. Be proud of your standards.

 Always remember that nobody is doing you any favour by loving you right.

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