Thursday, February 5, 2015

Playing Inspector Gadgets And Handling Trust Issues In Marriages

I promised myself after a few months into my marriage that I was going to learn from my own mistakes. Just before I took the walk down the aisle, a number of people, most of them well-meaning gave me one or two pieces of advice. My ears were filled and it was a struggle not to be sucked into a bitter resignation even before I started that journey into forever. I love my husband and he loves me too. I would never cheat on him but I was supposed to expect that my husband would naturally cheat on me. I was expected to tolerate everything he does because he is the man even when I am deeply hurt. I had to play the docile wife because men would always be men was my favorite aunt’s two cents just before the d day.
I was literally implored to drop all standards I might have had, the perfection I sought was only going to be in my dreams I was told. All the high hopes I had was suddenly being pinched by holes of pessimism and hard resignation. Funny thing is, this advice came from women that have been married for several years.
Come to think of it, I didn’t have unreasonable standards, I just didn’t think my husband should cheat on me because he had no control over his passions. I believed he should be in love with me enough to make the right choices when faced with temptations. Not much has changed about these thoughts but my lessons were re-learnt through experiences.

Imagine just how I felt as a green eyed young adult entering the new zone, I felt like I was on my first visit to the dentist with no idea what to expect but I was already prepared for the worst. Remarkably, I was able to brush off all their tiny voices in my head till we were about a few months into the marriage and we had a major disagreement.
All the things I have been told couldn’t be shrugged off, they were there in my subconscious and probably behind my reactions. A good relationship was suddenly marred with distrust and all kinds of what ifs and whys. He could have left his phone by my side earlier in the relationship and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to check what was in it, but suddenly I knew every password and probable passwords to all his accounts and devices. It was a real struggle coming to terms with the truth which was that I had become very insecure in my own home.

Of course, I asked questions based on some things I saw and gathered from sneaking up on him but I was wrong most of the time and my attitude was ruining the relationship we share. It was a situation that needed to be remedied fast. In hindsight, I can see just how faulty my thoughts were because there are some conversations I have that can be misinterpreted if my husband was searching every message and listening in on every of my conversation too.

Much as we are a couple, I think there is that part of respecting each other’s privacy. Not because we are not trusting enough but out of respect. Trust is a fluid concept. The fact that someone hurt you doesn’t make them untrustworthy, it only makes them human. Trust is not limited to issues of infidelity , I also think sneaking up on the other person is you breaching his/her trust too. 

If you suspect anything, present it to God before you ask your partner about it. If you feel the need to go on with the confrontation, then do. Give him/her that benefit of doubt and preserve that mutual respect that exists between two people in love.

We all learn new things every day, Life is a continuous learning process. I am not as na├»ve as I used to be, it is really refreshing to be where I am now and I am open to many more lessons along this path.
 For now, bear in mind that It is harmful to approach things based on general opinion, be sure to appreciate your own peculiar situation before reacting. All Christians are not saints and every non believer is not bad.

In all you do, apply wisdom.

Stay blessed.


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